New Year's Resolutions....
It is exactly 26 minutes to the new year of 2008. A lot has happened in 2007 to make it such a horrific year I would want to forget and also cherish at the same time...the love-hate tragedy.
1. I fell in love and had to leave my love behind for my chase of education
2. Long distance relationships proved more challenging which resulted in him dumping me....and a world of depression followed..(right guys?)
3. Worked my butt off for many hours to pay for my fees
4. Did my first semester of masters with partially flying colours
5. Gained another 10 tonnes
6. Found God again
I guess there is nothing interesting....so 2008 will be different....
As last year I did not post my resolutions up or put it anywhere visible, but have gladly let it slip behind my desk into a dusty secluded and never to be seen place, this year I beg you to be my witness to all I want to do this year.
1. To make my blog's readership ten times what it is now...a measly 12 readers in 3 months. Not that I do not appreciate these 12 people who make all the difference to my world now.
2. Lose 15 kg
3. Get a new wardrobe for each season and stop dressing in the same clothes I did 2 years ago
4. Start up my new businesses
5. Travel Australia...or around Australia
6. Get a full time job
7. Earn enough for trips around the world, shopping and school fees without lending money from MOMMY and DADDY
8. Get involved in charity works
9. Be happier and maybe find myself a 'MAN'
Pray hard for me that I will be able to do what I want to do and what God leads me to. And also pray hard I get enough money to sustain my meager life akkaka.....
Happy New Year...off to sleep...work in 5 hours...*sigh*
As I was sitting in the 40 degree stagnant windless heat waiting for the bus from work, I cringe disgustingly at the two girls sitting at the bus stand who has gladly placed their gigantic bag on the seat; blocking my ass from meeting great rest.
I swear silently and prayed hard that the bus would arrive soon. I turn back to give them another annoyed glare, but I saw something that made me swing back towards facing the road; rub my eyes hard, pinch myself in the arm and slap myself hard across the face.
So, what did I see?
Two pretty Hongkie girls holding hands, stroking each others' arms and gently whispering into each others' ears. On both their pinkie fingers held a white gold band in which I assume must be a 'promise/love' ring.
I turn around again to face them, determined that I was too tired and am very much delusional. What I see next shocked me a few steps away from them...making me jump towards the street amidst the honking of angry drivers.
One of the petite Chinese girls had lifted up her shirt while the other more boyish one in a pink CK baby-T applied lovingly some white cream from a silver tube. She gently stroked what I assume is sun block onto her fair but slightly scorched skin while her partner whines cutely bout the heat.
As my mind reels what I think is either the fantasy of my ex boyfriend or hard core lesbian porn, which by the way, at this point I guess many of you may already have a hard on. My mind cinema starts to play flashbacks of my failed relationships with men. As the two girls start to dry hump in public ( NOT!) ahhaha but rather whisper lovingly and cuddle closely while sharing a bottle of juice, the producer in me starts to conjure up scenarios of what might happen if I took my intimacy with women a little further than what it is now.
Most of my best friends know I am a very touchy feely person....even to the point of freaking out my ex boyfriend's best friend once. She thought I was hitting on her...akkakak. And I start thinking of possibilities for a relationship with a woman I am very close with now.
Option 1 - Miss A
Well, she is pretty and very much loving with her friends. Especially after having shared a bed with her, I wouldn't mind waking up to her morning breath. But she is not touchy feely enough. I guess a relationship with her would be...all so proper...very much British...akakakka. But she will make an excellent companion, I would have someone to accompany me everywhere and teach me new things everyday. There would be naked showers and skinny dipping in pools but all that fun won't go far with her commitment phobia. However, I know once she falls...she falls hard...so if anything did happen, it would be for life.
Option 2 - Miss B
Hmmm...we have been best friends for more than 5 years. And familiarity breeds intimacy, in my opinion anyway. She herself is very much experienced in the dealings of a woman, what else but a perfect partner she would be. She knows when to be gentle with me, and when to be stern in her ways. Oh well.....life would be so good then....
Sadly, these fantasies are just merely fantasies or just daydreaming of what might. For you see, I am not attracted to woman, (anymore?) and they are not too..to me anyway despite the several occasions of flirting. But wouldn't it be so nice if it was? The perfect partner in your best friend and she would know where your clit is kakakaka.
But then that would make life a little too simple right?
Yes...I am sick again. The horrible 41 degrees heat for Christmas is getting to me. I am nauseous all the time, I don't feel like eating and my head is pounding. Is this good? I forced myself to eat and all I feel after eating is to puke whatever I ate. How do you stop this getting sick all the time?
And I hate summer like crazy. It is so hot and clammy. All I feel is sweat all the time...its horrific. Kill me now please!!!
Oh Christmas Eve....Oh Christmas Eve....
9 am. I am awaken by the urgent need to pee. My mind screams curses at my persistent bladder. I want to go back to sleep. I try to mind-control it to stop wanting to pee. My efforts go down the drain as I walk towards the toilet. I sigh in relief when all is done and I can go back to sleep
ARGH what now? I want to just ignore the sms and jump back into bed however my hands are too quick for my brain. The call of the unknown beckons better than the sweet lumber of sleep. It was an sms from my boss....asking me which days I am free to work. Wonderful...more hours of work for me...more money for my car, house and school fees next year. I have so many things planned and I need the grace of God to provide for it.
After the adrenaline rush phone conversation with clinging cash sounds in the background, I decided...what the hell...since I am awake, I might as well just be a good girl and stay awake. So here I am....10 am in the morning and so much has happened....
1. Christmas brekkie before work (just planning)
2. Christmas dinner after work ( just another plan...hahaha)
3. More work for me...Thank God...
4. Declaration of what I missed of last Christmas..(more like whinging to my best friend)
P.S. ~ Whinging = British and Australian Informal.
to complain; whine.
Anyway, my revolutionary words today is that Christmas is best accompanied by people you love and care about. That is when Christmas becomes amazing, it becomes more than the presents and the eggnog and the eating. It is when you feel the Christmas cheer right through the heart flowing through the soul and shining through your smile. When we were younger, it was family...the people who fed and clothed and comforted you. As you grow older and the span of distance becomes a challenge, you rely on really close mates to bring about the same cheer...somehow it is more exciting and drunk but it is never the same. Then, you meet the special someone, the witness to your bland boring life, and you feel the same 'perfect-fit' warmth of home and Christmas again. But no matter which, you have to experience them all because they are all part of the wonderful walk of growing up.....
So, if you are with family, enjoy all the weird questions and nagging....
If you are with mates, shag up and drink up and laugh til your bellies burst
...and.. If you are with that someone special, snuggle and declare your appreciation of the love you both have that made everyday so much more amazing.
Merry Christmas people.....
Plea for help...
Dear Father God,
I do not want to be that girl. The girl once dumped and unloved and pathetic. I want to be what I can be best at...to do great things for You and for me. So please help me stand up again and walk. Eventually, maybe I will run again. After that, maybe the smiling comes about. And some day maybe, to love again.
But, God, please be gentle as I am fragile and vulnerable like a little child. Take me into your arms and gently guide me the right way. I need you now, more than ever. Especially on your birthday. Come celebrate it with me! I guarantee good food and deep conversation, some laughs on my part and maybe a little crying here and there.
Help me to look into the mirror again and bring hope back into my vocabulary. Allow me to pursue dreams which I use to believe in. And Lord, please make sure you keep away all the yucky people who make me feel yucky. Just for the next few days so I don't keep waking up with puffy crying-all-night eyes. Thank you...
P.S. ~ Pretty please make my 'acting happy' actually 'being happy'. Thanks loads...muax
I miss home....and its sad to know that everything I worked for was a lie.
Please give me something to believe in. Show me that this world is more than a web of lies and deception. Reveal to me the pure heart of someone who cares beyond their own selfish desires. Let me see with my own eyes that there is such a thing as heart-felt love that truly is to live to complete the other. Show me someone sincerely different. Bless the heart of mothers who actually do love this way...as I now see love like this going extinct. Please and thank you!
Wounds don't heal entirely...most of the time it leaves a scar. A gentle reminder of the pain that was once held. However, with the heart it is harder to see...but also harder to heal. Most wounds heal within a few hours to a few days but left untreated, it gets worst and infected.
Doesn't that happen to the heart too? When I leave my heart ignored, telling myself that I am fine...am I really leaving the wound to rot and heal on its own...untreated? Do I scratch at it while it is healing..leaving it exposed to the horrible elements of bacteria?
I am in pain....and I hide it. Everyday, every time. Because everyone says so. Because they say it is the best way to move on. To heal. To get better. To put it into the past is the best way. Because like something someone said, "Why should you continue crying over someone who has walked away? Why waste the precious time over something that won't return?"
So therefore, I am confused. Because my brain says one....and it also agrees with two. So where do I go from there?
Then, I start thinking about it. There are moments when it was so wonderful and all I can think about is being with him again. But when I focus on the bad parts, I feel as if maybe I can move on.
I remember that one time he felt angry because I wanted to share a birthday party with him because I missed mine as I was in the hospital. And so he refused to get me a cake and no one sang happy birthday for me. And I took it all because I loved him. But when he told me his reasoning, that I did not deserve one because my birthday had passed....I feel betrayed, unloved.
The second incident was when I told him to promise to be with me the whole Christmas day but he ended up going to play computer games with friends. And despite me telling him how important it is to be together, he decided that playing war craft was more exciting.
But that is focusing on the bad, while the good times were endless.....enjoying jet-skiing, watching his successes, going on holidays. And I remember the times we smiled and laughed and loved.
So when is the line drawn? When is it time to say it is worth it? And I know that he has said it is not worth it...I am not worth it. Then, why am I still saying it is worth it? Today, I am angry....because I wonder if all I did was nothing. Then other days I long to be together again. I pray that God guide me in the right path. Because choosing the wrong one is going to be horrible. And He has been so faithful...pulling me out of the gutter at the times I am in deep trouble.
I pray He allow me to say goodbye for the last time, if it is the last time.....and that I will be able to feel that I am worth it again...because I am...
God loves me...and made me beautiful. And because I have been rejected like a stinky rotten egg doesn't make me one as I am a wonderful treasure of God...
AND EVERYONE SAYS....AMEN!!!!
To know me...& love me....
The amazing thing about finding the best of love, the great match is when you found someone who knows you and still wants to love you after that. Haha as I was saying, everyone (at least me) has a 'screwed up' side to them. The part that thinks too much, that conjures up weird plots and that one that imagines stabbing a knife in the heart of that annoying person...the part you try to hide from the world.
Then striped naked to the core (please stop thinking dirty by now k!) of what and who you are, that person still can smile genuinely at you and exclaim in awe at your beauty...that is a gem. Isn't that so great...how great relationships and friendships can come from just loving....truly loving! But, I do admit, it is hard and really difficult to find *sigh*
But on a lighter note, I found what I may call, the best feeling in the world, the ultimate orgasmic sensation. Sadly for you guys, its not sex...haahah. It is riding in a car, windows down and blasting 60's and 70's music. Letting the Beatles sooth your soul, the Beach Boys croon their love songs and allow the heart to be healed by Elvis. Watching the Perth scenery pass you by and you feel the cool breeze chilling your face...that is part of Heaven. *contented sigh*
I am very much a loner and while at some times I find joy in a wholesome conversation with friends, the most part I find that just "feeling" is the greatest sensation in the world and last nite as I was high on lack of sleep, I felt my soul and heart pour out into the songs playing on the radio flowing into the world aura...combining my pain with the pain of those out there too...a synchronized party of tortured souls.
Haha a little too deep...or crazy...! But yea...isn't life so great sometimes.......
To be or not to be....
Accidents are horrible things. Most of the time it is both person's fault...some times it is one blur person hitting a stationary object but some unfortunate times, it is one person's fault that causes harm to many people. And here, in my blog and me personally, there is no judgment....seriously!
But there comes a time where you have to decide...justice or personal safety. And 2 days ago, I was met with that dilemma that turned my eyes away from negative disgust into positive awe of law enforcers. As many blame the police for their lack of competence in maintaining the law in the country, I stand by the fact that they are doing their best...but still in need of improvement as everything else in the world. I see what they have to go through daily and I see the care they put into dealing with some horrendous issues. My salutes to them....*salute*
A fellow regular customer pulls up into my driveway at the petrol station. Soon after, he backs out of the driveway. I find it suspicious but on the other hand glad to be rid of a customer and more work. Moments later, I hear screaming. His wife and kid races into the store pretending to look around but fearfully staring out the door every 5 seconds.
My mind draws up the conclusion that a fight is breaking out between her husband and some other guy. I conjure up scenarios of me bravely walking out, waving my personal duress alarm, warning them to stop fighting or I will call the cops. As I muster up the bravery to do so, two figures in blue walk past me followed by screaming from 'husband'. Too late for me to be a hero...the police were here. And the screams were for them...claiming mis-arrest.
Half an hour later of screaming and shouting from one side and patient talking from police, his car rego plate was taken and the police drive off. I wonder if the car is a stolen vehicle. The 'wife' and 'kid' walks of towards home....and the man enters his rego plate-less car and drove off. His 'wife' seemed pissed.
10 minutes later the police return to find the car and its residents missing. My co-worker and I refuse to look at them hoping they do not ask us for a statement regarding the police harassment screaming issue...more hassle than it is. However, the issue was more urgent. Because the man drove off and he did not have a license...the only way to catch him for a higher offense was so that we make a statement he drove a car without a license plate. The unfortunate part was that the police were not able to catch him red handed for it.
As the police officer politely ask me if I would like to give a statement, my heart beats faster and my palms feel sweaty due to the close proximity to a P-O-L-I-C-E O-F-F-I-C-E-R. I felt uncomfortable and scared of making him mad. Sadly, I did not know....if I should be a witness or not. If I do, as a regular customer, he knows me and he can bash me up any day plus get away with it. But if I don't, I am letting free a man who can one day hurt many innocent people in the freeway.
Sadly, I said NO and to this day feel like a horrible guilty injustice freak. What would you have done?
There are a lot of things in life that I hate...like;
When an old cranky man comes into the store insulting my math abilities when I accidentally short change him.
When some random crazy maniac poops at the bus stop.
When a drunken weirdo starts hitting on me.
When I have to work horrible shifts that I do not like.
When split ends start occurring at the tips of the hair due to winter.
When someone stole the last bread and egg off my shelf.
When I get random allergies because I do not know what I am allergic to.
But then, the things that I hate the most is the things I cannot control. And it pains me, pains me so so much, to not deal with them in the direct and honest way I do it...point blank open heart surgery.
See, with the things stated above, I can so something about it (even when I sometimes don't) but at least knowing in a way that you can take control of it one way or another...steering the course of its future at the point of time you think about it.
But, when there is something that involves more than what can be controlled, the mind has to wait, the actions is suspense for the right time and place.
It is here that I am utterly lost.....the need for all the junk of waiting when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs declaring revelation.
Someone said this, so so so romantic...
"Kiss me under the mistletoe, and all will be forgotten.
Take me into your arms, and we will erase the past.
Tell me you love me, and forever is more than a dream."
Another friend stated;
"All I want for Christmas is YOU, baby, standing at my front door"
While another chimed in saying,
"I just know I love him and its all I ever want for Christmas...but Santa doesn't exist and dreams are not always fulfilled; so that's life for you!"
As Christmas approaches, especially in such an Anglo country, you feel the stress of the celebration heading towards you. As I will be working on Christmas day, I feel no attachment and anticipation for that special day. I miss home and I miss certain people but to be not there with them just makes the day a little more dull.
However, Christmas has become my conversation starter with every customer and I pray all their Christmas wish list comes true...unless one of them is to 'dominate-the-world'. I pray for all the happiness in the world and while I may be sitting alone in the store on that day, I pray for the Christmas cheer to warm the hearts of everyone.
What I did not expect was that, with the title of Christmas also comes the talk of love, and thus all the rantings as you see above. But hey....its a great time of the year, why not celebrate the wonders of magical love!
So to all, Merry Christmas 'to-be' and let the cheer of love & giving warm our hearts this month!
Laden with guilt and fear...
Truth #2: I am feel fearful and guilty all the time
I believe that guilt brings us away from the things that matter most to us. For me, I admire those who can continue to stand by and be close to the one person you know whose opinion matters and that when you did something wrong, is able to look the person in the eye and say, "Yes I know I am making a mistake but I choose it and am willing to face the consequences for it. But despite it all, I still love you and I know you do!".
This is a powerful and mature statement. If only I can abide by it. I am so driven by approval that I never allow myself to get out of line, and if I do, I hide it til the cows come home. A very unpleasant feeling..
Today, I aspire to not allow fear and guilt be my guide. I will be who I am and be proud of it.
No. 1 - I like snacks and I will not hide them anymore in the nook & cranies in my room because I can feel the judgemental eyes accompanying the 'that's-why-you-fat' philosphy.
No. 2 - Just because I sin does not mean I have to backslide and be angry at God. He still loves me no matter what, and I should be close to Him and not feel guilty for what I did but slowly learn thru His motivation.
No. 3 - I will send out the resumes that I meant to send out and not be afraid of rejection. I will be brave.....and not think I am not good enough.
So, today, with you as my witness, I will improve........
My house was broken into yesterday. And I am freaked! I do not feel safe at all everyday and I am afraid to be alone. I wake up in the morning dreading to go out my room door...afraid of every sound and shadow lurking about.
I work at 5am every weekend. So, on Friday nights my housemates and I are usually busy with cell group. However, that Friday I decided to come home a little later than usual. As I reached home at midnight, I see the lights on in the shower and my other housemate sleeping like a log. I think nothing of it...everything seems fine.
I come home and instantly fell asleep in account of my early start in a few hours. In that 4 hours and 50 minutes I was sleeping, a thief broke the glass of the window in my living room and rampage through looking for stuff to steal. We closed the door joining the living room to the bedrooms. Thank God we were safe and unharmed....
In the morning at 5 am as I walked out of the room into the kitchen, I find myself feeling scared and unsafe...which is unusual for little brave me! I saw that the TV cupboard was open and the DVD player was missing but I just assumed it was my housemate who took it and kept it in her room...
So, off I was to another horrid day at the petrol station. At 10 am, I check my phone to 2 miss calls from my housemates. I was worried and called back despite company regulations. They broke the news and my mind goes into a whirlpool. I feel bad for not noticing it earlier...
I tried to get off work earlier but there was no one to cover my shift. Many endless hours of worry and frustration later, I am finally able to asses the damage. Broken window and dirty footprints all over the house.
Forensics has been at work earlier...taking finger prints but telling us of the low chances of finding the criminal. I then arranged for the agent to replace the window and await news from the police.
Despite it all, I am very afraid....I cant sleep peacefully anymore. Any moment I find myself looking at the door or window....I just don't want to sleep alone anymore. The stress from it all is taking its toll. Now, I only sleep when I am tired..the only time I am able to sleep. All I am wishing for is that I can have a nice long nap in the arms of him again...but I know it is not possible....so I am praying that God sends His warm arms to surround me so I can finally feel safe again.