Ugly scar...Wounds don't heal entirely...most of the time it leaves a scar. A gentle reminder of the pain that was once held. However, with the heart it is harder to see...but also harder to heal. Most wounds heal within a few hours to a few days but left untreated, it gets worst and infected.
Doesn't that happen to the heart too? When I leave my heart ignored, telling myself that I am fine...am I really leaving the wound to rot and heal on its own...untreated? Do I scratch at it while it is healing..leaving it exposed to the horrible elements of bacteria?
I am in pain....and I hide it. Everyday, every time. Because everyone says so. Because they say it is the best way to move on. To heal. To get better. To put it into the past is the best way. Because like something someone said, "Why should you continue crying over someone who has walked away? Why waste the precious time over something that won't return?"
So therefore, I am confused. Because my brain says one....and it also agrees with two. So where do I go from there?
Then, I start thinking about it. There are moments when it was so wonderful and all I can think about is being with him again. But when I focus on the bad parts, I feel as if maybe I can move on.
I remember that one time he felt angry because I wanted to share a birthday party with him because I missed mine as I was in the hospital. And so he refused to get me a cake and no one sang happy birthday for me. And I took it all because I loved him. But when he told me his reasoning, that I did not deserve one because my birthday had passed....I feel betrayed, unloved.
The second incident was when I told him to promise to be with me the whole Christmas day but he ended up going to play computer games with friends. And despite me telling him how important it is to be together, he decided that playing war craft was more exciting.
But that is focusing on the bad, while the good times were endless.....enjoying jet-skiing, watching his successes, going on holidays. And I remember the times we smiled and laughed and loved.
So when is the line drawn? When is it time to say it is worth it? And I know that he has said it is not worth it...I am not worth it. Then, why am I still saying it is worth it? Today, I am angry....because I wonder if all I did was nothing. Then other days I long to be together again. I pray that God guide me in the right path. Because choosing the wrong one is going to be horrible. And He has been so faithful...pulling me out of the gutter at the times I am in deep trouble.
I pray He allow me to say goodbye for the last time, if it is the last time.....and that I will be able to feel that I am worth it again...because I am...
God loves me...and made me beautiful. And because I have been rejected like a stinky rotten egg doesn't make me one as I am a wonderful treasure of God...
AND EVERYONE SAYS....AMEN!!!!