In the past 6 months I have been hospitalized, gone through several medical procedures so expensive it bombed our bank account and been poked and prodded for blood that I was milked like a cow for the last few drops.
I thank God everyday that it is not cancer and that no matter what results always came back fairly positive. You never believe it when people tell you that your emotions do govern your physical health. With the recent downturn in my life, I have been super stressed with living with my in-laws and sister-in-law who has a witch hunt on me, trying to make sure our house is built upright...and not cause a scene at my workplace while I was being bullied and harassed...all in all...while trying to fight with my ever-emotionally-dead hubby in a tiny bedroom.
As I sit here hooked up to a blood pressure monitor that robed me of my freedom to drive, move around to pull my bra strap off my shoulder and sleep a good night's sleep, I thank God that its not something incurable. I thank God despite it all...I still have my health...slightly a bit battered by a jack of all trades. As I read a story
of a strong man fighting testicular cancer, I thank God for his blessed recovery so that he can tell us his journey while silently praying for those still fighting the battle.
It has not been easy and never comfortable. Medical tests are angels sent by God in boxes of humiliation, discomfort and fear such as being pumped with a dye that makes you pee in your pants. But even so...after bruises, sleepless nights and swollen eyes from constant crying....I have been blessed with positive results each time.
So I thank God :-
1. For my emotionally-retarded husband who teaches me that you can switch off your brain & seems to know how to laugh/giggle each time I am prodded, poked, hooked up & doing some crazy procedure
2. For my naggy-health conscious mother who thinks that raw vegetable & fruit juices cures everything
3. For my control-freak dad that makes sure that I understand the importance of exercise (PS - He is also the one who I inherited the stress genes from)
Be it that I have another session of results next Friday, and maybe I am not so lucky or maybe this time I might be just as blessed. Either way, I can't sit around for another health scare cuz 3 lessons is enough to drum it in my head that there is something I need to learn.
So, say hello to a stress-free(attempt anyway) Erin. Because I don't think I can survive years of being hooked up to a machine that pumps air into a band around your arms...squeezing it so hard that your fingers go numb!
Being an over-thinker...
Mens' brains don't work any more than they have to. They are the best at thinking about 'NOTHING'.
Women are even better at squeezing all the juices out of the brain til it turns sour. I hate being an over-thinker but it is also the only reason how I can run 20 million company projects with just a list and not often forgetting deadlines.
Unfortunately, my brain never rests and when I am worried...I never sleep.
I also have the ability to conjure up 10 of the most negative scenarios from one single sentence or a 5 second snippet of a conversation.
It is a curse! A never-ending curse...til I grow old and develop dementia. And even then, there is no guarantee I won't stop thinking I am Bill Gates or married to a 24 year old millionaire :)
Note the above! Skipping from one train of thought to another. It does not flow...right?
And men laugh at how ridiculous over-thinkers like I torture ourselves with the possibilities and endless "ifs" in life. But for me...I have no idea how to shut my mind off. So we over-thinkers sit and stir and ponder and fret while all the life gets sucked out of us. Because we spend so much of our energy thinking we have nothing left for growing and getting better.
So this weekend I am enrolling into cooking school. So that I can start using my hands and stop thinking so much....and maybe through this I can find myself in that dream life and dream job...and be so tired working with my hands...MY BRAIN STOPS GOING CRAZY!
You need to stop sending all these clones of unmentionable name (Mr. S.A. Tan) to me. I can take one. But to have one in the family too.....really gets me to the core of my bones.
We, normals, can't constantly fight battles. Our human body is not made like that. We can't rise from the dead like Jesus did. It was cool & all...but I don't remember you passing me that power.
It's bad enough we need to love our body and resist all wonderfully man-made wonders such as chocolate and ice cream. Then we need to love others, even tho they are mean to you. Then, after all of that, you make sure I can't even have those comfort food like cheese and M&Ms. I protest that I have been made flawed or essentially my soul has been chucked in a faulty body. I was meant for that hot blonde blue eyed size 6 body I see walking down the street eating chocolate croissants for breakfast and still rock that tight mini skirt.
So, please, give me a sign. Please give me something good....drop down the recipe for slimming chocolate cupcakes.....or a way to end suffering that does not get me in hell. So maybe, just a trump card, to call upon lighting to strike anyone who has no sense to fear the tiny friend of the Almighty God.
Cuz seriously, karma is a coming too long. Need something now.....
Do they sell vanishing powder in Bunnings? Would be nice to make some horrid stuff go away!
I love you God. Please answer soon. I mean it! I am desperado....
PS - Picture came from some other blog (Credits to :http://trollcats.com)
Releasing my dream into the universe....
I have been totally inspired by Melissa at Dear Baby
. As I read her words, I feel a stirring deep down inside.
Ps Brian Houston from Hillsong Church talked about how when God has instilled a dream into your heart...when you are near it or within the opportunity, you feel a strong pull towards it. You feel it kick in your soul like a kick from a baby in the womb ready for birth.
Today, I felt this....
A karate chop in my soul when I read Melissa's blog post. I always wanted to be a writer. The only reason I endure journalism for the many years in university was the passion to one day write to inspire and touch people. But then, one mean old geezer of a lecturer, managed to pop my bubble...
Moving from Malaysia to Australia was not only a cultural shock but a shock in my belief system. I was proud and confident that I was smart. Then, I walked into an Aussie journalism class....and realized that I was behind by several centuries. I never wrote a real paper-published article before, never seen a news room before, and never ever contacted some snotty politician for his opinion. I was struggling and my confidence in myself dropped so low I stopped talking in class. One day, a compulsory rounds on a case study on the board forced my stapled shut lips to utter the few words of doom...as the sun dried man before me(teacher & holder of all journalistic knowledge) loomed impatiently. He wanted my opinion on the case study, I gave it in a meek tone and I saw in slow motion....the change in his features. Surprise then disgust. I watched his face burst into flames as he screamed at me for being so stupid!
Here I was in a first world country.....advanced in all ways of civil rights...but I heard the snickers behind me as they watched the only Asian student in their class get in trouble. It was then I knew I was different. Skin colour does make a difference...cause that skin colour also means a different educational background. Barely scrapping through that class...I saw myself begging the head lecturer to let me pass. Thank God...I did. But only with wounded pride, for the only reason I passed was because the head journalism lecturer took pity on the crying Asian girl that got screamed at. (PS - She just gave birth...so woo hooo for hormones!)
So I put my dream in a box and let it flow down the River of Regret.
By the way, don't take pity on me! There is so much advantages to being Asian here...
1. Tiger Moms are the bomb. You never appreciate the nagging til you stop getting them!
2. We have BIG dreams & push ourselves hard
3. We are tiny...and can squeeze through crowds
4. Being short seems to be a novelty.....if you're thick skin enough to take the jokes
5. We know Credit Cards are evil(so we don't have any debt before the age of 25)
6. Saving money is a habit...not a everyday struggle
Going through all this...makes you tough! Tough enough to want that dream to come true....and make it come true.
The meek me...
A before and after person emerges after a trauma or a big change in life. You are never the same again!
The before me...was aggressive, motivated, not afraid of anything but flying cockroaches.
The after me....is still motivated, wants everything in life but somehow turned into a meek lamb of submission & is afraid of mean people.
So what happens now? How can a person want everything in life but is too afraid to stand up for themselves?
But the bible below quotes :-
I am so confused....can someone help? Dear God please? *silence resounds*
Must be a tad too early...I will ring again in a few hours.
Missing in action....
Who would have thought that the last post was more than a year ago?
Marriage has certainly changed me. My imagination has been striped off me like the ripped shirt by a man in heat, my creativity sucked dry like every drop of delicious popsicle on a super hot summer day and my life in a white & black film of tears and depression and some good days.
But I am determined that this year should be different....this year I will have one of my lists and actually tick some stuff off. Because this year, I have a bigger picture. I know I want to leave a legend behind...I want to be the one that friends tell stories about. And if not, I want to be the one that is the envy of at least one unspeakable soul out there. And most of all, I want to be a fun mum...when the day comes.
So, today, I start my dream again. I start writing again. I start pumping the juices...squeezing water out of the make shift rocks in my brain. Because I know it doesn't take a miracle to change your life but baby steps into a different direction.
Baby Step 1 :-
HBF Run for a Reason
While every other of the 8000 participants ran for a charity, I ran for myself...my changed future. And I told myself I could do it all...and I know I can. The 5 weeks before were strapped with training and getting new Asics trainers. Running every chance I get...which is not often enough. I get my darling hubby to walk a few paces in front with his extremely long legs while I, like a chihuahua, runs to catch up. Soon, the little short legs, overtake the great stride of a white man and I feel triumphant for a second...a GREAT feeling for all the short-legged mankind!
BEST THING I DID - I did it on a whim...I paid for the fees before I could even back out. There was no turning back especially when the Asian in me knew I could not waste $40 bucks without at least getting something out of it. The adrenalin was addictive, lining up for miles at each stage (blue flushing toilets, bus rides & finding your starting point) made my heart quicken in pace in excitement and waiting for the gun fire to start with the cameras rolling made the first 5 minutes of the race all the rage. After that, as motivation lessen and the frozen finger & aching sides get to you, that's when you need to push on and have a clear mind. Sadly, it didn't work for me....I kept thinking how fun this would be if I had a partner in crime running beside me. So I walked then ran then walked and cursed then ran some more. After 36 minutes I was at the finishing line.....I made it! After all that cursing, wind burnt face & frustrating lines...I am guaranteed to do it again! BRING IT ON!
Baby Step 2 :-
I learned not to stress. Catered for 100 people in an event and for once...did not endure a sleepless night, only lashed out at my partner once & even took a step back 1 hour before the event to take a breather. This is a far cry from the lady who once cried, stressed, moaned & groaned plus stayed up all night before a driving test!
Cheers to a new 'me' and a 2011 filled with more "You can have it all!" moments!
Do you really know yourself?
Its only been a mere 26 days since the big day of change. But that day was nothing...compared to what seemed to have happened since then.
The one big day of happiness masked the many more important things that seems to have been forgotten to be addressed. A lot of brides feel lost after a wedding cuz they got nothing else to focus on...to plan for...to look forward to.
But for me, the wedding day was not a goal...a big event...but just a progression of time & day.
Sadly, today, after 2 whole days of crying and being bedridden it is not so much of a marathon of tasks but a tsunami of thoughts.
Within 26 days, I lost the trust and confidence I had in people around me. Most of the time I blame myself. Other times, I blame them. All because every single one of them...including my husband...believes that honesty is not the best policy and hiding/keeping secrets from me is easier that being open & truthful.
But when 3 people, the people one is supposed to depend on...to love....to grow old together.... decides deliberately to break your heart in 10 million pieces. All within the span of 3 days. You start to wonder!
"Is it me? Am I choosing the wrong people in my life? Is it me who causes them to act this way?"
And then you start thinking and analyzing. And then you conclude, maybe you don't know yourself that well. That you pick people in your life that is not compatible for you. You start to doubt that all that effort you put in...all that emotion....was because you had this false facade of yourself. That it was not a true indication of who I am but who I wanted to become (and am not!).
On Tuesday, when I was at a seminar, they say that successful driven people hang out with equally driven people. It kind of hit home base when the people who continue to touch my life are as driven...but the people now that I have chosen at this point to surround me is not as much. Is it my fault? Did I dream myself into a nightmare?
So, today, I am determined! I am to take a personality test and get to know myself better. From there, maybe I will decide.......I just hope it is not too late!