IF ONLY I KNEW...
IF ONLY I KNEW...
That it was the last time I would kiss you,
I would have not stopped kissing you at all.
If only I knew..
That it was the last time I would see you smile,
I would have captured the moment in my brain.
If only I knew..
That it was the last time I would touch you,
I would not have let go.
If only I knew...
That it was the last time you would hug me,
I would have asked you to hold me forever.
If only I knew..
That it was the last time you would say I love you,
I would have told you to promise that our love is forever.
If only I knew..
That it would be the last time you would speak to me,
I would have said never stop talking and I will never stop listening.
If only I knew...
That it would be the last time I would see you,
I would have memorized every moment in my heart.
Goodbye.....Be happy...!!!
THIS SUCKS!
THIS SUCKS! Well, hey, life goes on right. But it still going to hurt when you realise that it was so easy for that person to forget you. After everything you give, everything you have given, everything you have sacrificed, you watch them bring other people to places they have brought you, you watch them do things with people that you have done with them. And you feel your heart break one piece at a time.
But hey....you just gotta move on..just that some people take more time and some don't. Well its usually the opposite sex anyway. Too bad for me that I am the one in pain anyway. Kakakaka....and as determined a person as I am. I can't stop the tears every night. And I know every girl out there reading must think I am such a dufus and a embarrassment to the name woman but I am and I am sorry!
However, I am happy that he has moved on. I am happy he is happy. I am happy he will continue on happy. I am happy that despite how much it hurts to say, happy he found others than can make him happy when I couldn't.
A friend told me, to not hope was so right. It just brings more pain. But hey...since I am doing the unconventional birthday anyway...why not just fill it with tears! Hey people...sorry for the horrible posts but I have no one to talk to here bout it. You can skip all the sob stories. I promise you a really good happy post in the next few days k. I promise that the sob stories will only come once a month. Because...NO...I do not know when I will stop crying.
I TURN 22 TODAY!
I TURN 22 TODAY! Every year I look forward to my birthday cuz it is the most important date to me. And every year I get disappointed. My past 3 birthdays without my family has been horrific and I do not doubt at all that this will be any different. Since leaving home, I have not been sung Happy Birthday, I haven't gotten my galore of gifts many have bragged about and I have not not cried at midnight of that glorious day.
My first birthday away from home...my family forgot it. They were holidaying in Melinsung. I was crying on the phone...calling him all the way in KK just to moan about it. Which I still do not remember if he remembered. The next morning my housemate asked what I had on...I told her it was my birthday. I regretted my words once I said it, as the result of it? Being dragged around Mid Valley with her and her boyfriend acting as a lamp post. Gifts? None!
My second birthday. Was a little better...my parents didn't forget anymore. I had to work late in the coffee shop as there was a function which no one turned out for. The outcome...loads of food to pack home for my supposed party. So I reached home at 8.30 as I greeted my new housemates ( not the same as the story before)with packs of cold food. Had a call from mom and fell asleep. Gifts? Many promises and roses from Fiona. But we did have dinner in Chili's with a few friends who ended up being real horrible friends...long story!!!
My third birthday was supposed the best. NOT! I spent it in a hospital and paid a few thousand for just sitting there. I was pissed and I had KFC for dinner. No food provided in the hospital...SUCKS! To make up, I had a supposedly joint party with a friend. Didn't work out too....I didn't get my Happy Birthday song too. No cake. All for the other party boy. Oh gifts? A box of pies(which I appreciate after cooking for two days and waking up early the next day for a major assignment), someone stole my body shop foundation I just bought, and turtles from Wilson which now is in the custody of *drum roll* the other birthday person. Oh other gifts also include being told my food sucked, washing up til 2 am, waking up at 8 am to get to uni and holding the cake for the other person's birthday while I watched on as they all celebrated that person's birthday, singing "Happy Birthday" and taking pictures of the blowing candles out scene.
I did get a nice drinking session with a friend at a nice wine place. But as you know I was sick so I had a bottle of weird soft drink that cost 10 bucks. Dangit...hate being sick! The movie later on what not too bad...oh wait...it sucked....My Super-Ex Girlfriend. Not nice! Dangit..hate Hollywood. The cute snoopy and dolly is cute tho...Thanks Pam and Cass and Fi. So sweet of you. Oh and the strawberry cake. This time...the third make up was a charm.
Pathetic? So for this birthday, I do not expect anything..SERIOUSLY! I wished for too many years already. I tried everything. From telling everybody to not. You don't want to hear my previous birthdays which included a silent party where no one talked and it was no fun all the way to ...I don't know...can't remember...I tend to block out bad memories. This year...I am going to sit in my room and not go out. I just want it to pass and be forgotten. I told no one. And I pray and hope nothing bad happens. Hey...thanks for the sms Beb. The other sms I got I shall not mention. Let's just say it is another reason to cry...cuz I actually shamelessly asked the person for a gift which I race out to the post box everyday hoping to get but have not gotten. So, embarrassed...I shall not mention it anymore!
But all in all...being on your own away from home during these holiday/celebratory seasons is not fun. My Christmases are just as bad. But I will save it for another time when I don't sound so pathetic anymore. Happy Birthday Erin....*sigh*.
P.S. ~ And hey I blame no one but myself for all these. Like my good friend always tells me, I attract such things akakkaka...like my horrible dates which I shall only disclose with people who are actually interested to know...MUAHAHAHAH....But I do appreciate those who made the day a lot easier to bare.Thanks! For remembering and lovingly giving me a gift.
DON'T THINK I WILL STOP CRYING...
DON'T THINK I WILL EVER STOP CRYING...I really don't think I will ever stop crying myself every night. I do not think my eyes will stop tearing every time I watch a wedding scene. I do not think I will ever stop breaking down seeing couples together, people kissing and being lovey dovey.
The pain won't stop no matter how hard I try. Yet it won't change anything despite how much I wish. Not trying to make anyone feel bad. It is no one's fault but my own.
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
CAN YOU HANDLE IT? Many of us....sometimes complain about what we go through...but me more than others. I know that...and I guess my poor defenseless friends have been suffering through that. However, when I was younger, I remembered I always told people that God will only put you through the pain and challenges that He knows you can handle. But through the many years of hardship, I find myself falling further away from great values and motivation. Heck, I even put on so much weight kakakakak!
As I sit here thinking and sometimes moaning about why did I choose this path....why I can't get out of it...why do I still want it...why this injustice....then a friend gently points out saying..."Because God knows you can handle it". And there and then I shed my first real tear that is not triggered by pain but by the sweetness of a golden heart from a friend. As she spent many hours listening and telling me her own experiences, I realize I miss home and I miss them. And I laugh at the irony of many who wants to be in my position (not my troubles but being in Aus) yet I too want to be where they are...home.
Before this, I was always...I must leave Malaysia. Experience overseas life and all. And here I am...missing home. I am a true bred Malaysian. That is for sure. I cannot believe it took me 22 years to figure it out.
P.S. ~ To my best traveling partner, we must find more places to go hey?! Someday soon?
HOW MUCH ARE YOU WORTH?
HOW MUCH ARE YOU WORTH? For me...I found out that I was only worth 13 minutes out of a person's week. Not too bad for a start right? Minus the interruption. But well what to do...I guess when you made a mistake you gotta live with it. Worth living or not...I do not know....big mistake or not...I do not know. Can I just fluke it from here?
My latest obsession? Chocolate chip cake. I can't find one recipe that is perfect enough to fit the description someone was raving bout to me. I tried and looked everywhere. Anyone got any suggestions? Maybe I am just going crazy akkakak....
I miss cooking....cooking good nice food without having to calculate and skimp on the ingredients...cooking on a budget for one is sad and pathetic. I can't wait to go back to Malaysia to torture all my friends and family with my fattening and non healthy and possibly yucky food....akakakaka....
So beware people....you never know what might have struck you...!!
However, I remember cooking for a big bunch of people once. And I seem to fail doing well in such situations. My food came out yucky...and many were complaining about it behind my back. Not a very nice feeling....akakkak. Maybe I should restrain myself from doing all these cooking for a large group kind of thing....hmmmmm....what do you think? You guys help me decide k....
I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE THEN
I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE THEN! Hurting, crying and persuading embarassingly...yet still the unfair justice towards your friends and me is very evident. Everyday I check my mail and my msn in hopes of maybe some sort of communication.
So...after two days of waiting and hoping...the tears still come. But love is so stupid. I have done what I can. Now I can just wish and pray.
Sorry guys for the depressing posts recently. After finally getting my life back on track from figuring out all my tremendous questions for the future, I find myself into another dilemma I never figured I would be in. But hey...s#%@ happens. And I just pray some day I will be able to smile again.
Anyway, my masters classes is fun. I cannot believe I actually find law fun akkaka. Can't wait to come home...I am confirmed flying back in on the 24th....wonderful KK and KL here I come. I cant wait to go to Sakae Sushi...Murni's Mee Goreng....Kenny Rogers....
WHY DID YOU STOP CHASING?
WHY DID YOU STOP CHASING? You know...there is so many love songs. But there is none that really can describe the heart stopping earth shattering experience when someone stops chasing you. When your phone is silent after an argument. When there is no comforting sms that follows a bad word. When the name of the person does not show up at all the whole day and week.
People tell you they understand they been through it. But today I understand that the words were in vain. As my words has been a few too many a time on advice to friends in same situation. It's all about you...you gotta handle it. But why is it...that the ones that hurt is not the one who walked away but the one who got left behind hanging. Why is it that the pain doesnt stop for some yet for others are gallantly showing off newer better prettier products hanging from their arms.
How could some easily shatter the worlds of someone who has given their everything and all. How could one walk away knowing that a few simple actions could mend the injury. How do you continue doing something and where do you draw the line. Why is it that the one that cries has no way to make it better. Why is it that you feel like zero....when the claim that you were their world was snatched back....
How do you cope? Where do you draw the line? When will the pain and suffering and tears stop?
HOW TO STOP THE PAIN?
HOW DO I STOP THE PAIN? How can anyone in life be so cruel? How can someone be so insensitive. How is it that you heart aches and then your life just seems to crumble? How do you stop the pain? Please any ideas tell me...
Why is it that when life seems to be going so well then the world has to break because of something or someone? Someone once said, " What is there to live for without someone to share it with? " I find that so true. How is that a person can be so cruel..so so cruel yet think what they are doing is essential...
That important person in your life is meant to be your witness of all you have done. That is what we live for to impact and to have someone to spread your inspiration story on. I wished things were different....I wished people were so screwed up...I wished men would stop being so self pitying...its sad and its not worth it
STUPID IDIOTS!
STUPID IDIOTS! I do not understand how such idiots can exist in this world. Why do someone who has a bad taste in their mouth continue to want to chew on it? Why if you are unhappy in your situation do you not want to change?
I don't get it. How can you say you will regreat an action you are to take and still do that action you will regret? How short is life that when you say you love someone yet walk away from them?
Can't men just be straight forward and stop spinning web of lies and deception and manipulation. Life is simple...don't have to make it so complicated. If you love someone then be with that someone. If you stopped loving someone, then say it. Stop coming up with stupid excuses like I am not ready or I am scared of you. Love is simple....love you or not. Don't have to make it into a diplomatic council.
Don't make excuses....just be straight forward. No one needs a lie coated with sugar. It's too much a waste of time and effort. Stop wanting to hurt and trying to hurt. Idiots...
Stupid idiots!!! Stupid idiots!!!
DID I NOT TELL YOU?
DID I NOT TELL YOU? Sorry guys...I spent so much time in the past few months trying to decide on the ultimate question for my future that I failed to tell everyone bout my decision. I am currently doing my Master of International Business in Curtin University Perth. To get there, I am doing a grad dip that would lead to the masters...basically its just a name and I am doing all the subjects of the Masters.
I feel a bit left out that all my friends are happy working and gaining all the experience from the working world. Yet here I am studying again. But it is fantastic..this masters thing is widening my mind. And many says it is a great opportunity to be here and I feel it. The education system is so different.
By the way...I am sorry that I forgot to tell anyone. Thanks so much for caring.
The truth is things are not going well. My best friend has walked away from me. Stopped talking to me cuz he is too busy with other things. And I feel hurt that he felt that it is not important to initiate communication. But then I guess...friends come and go....*sigh*
STUDYING OR WORKING?
STUDYING OR WORKING? I have been asking around on what people think in regards to this. As a person who has decided to continue to study, I feel like I am missing out on the adventures of learning in your first few years of the working life. Yet as I chat with my other friends out there successful in their new jobs, they say they envy me as they do not know when only would be their turn to be me my shoes.
I realise now how humans can be so discontented with what they have. That the grass always looks greener on the other side. Basically, working life is fun...gaining experience and all...but it is also a continuous meticulous thing every day...for the rest of your lives. While the student life is fun, being self sponsored is stressful...thinking ahead 6 months to a year...bout how much I need and how much I can get...*sigh*
Truthfully...I miss my friends so much. The companionship of it all...the willingness of someone to always want to hear me. They say Australia is a land of opportunity...and it is some how...but till today I cannot find a true friend amongst the friendly faces that swarms my life...Australians are lovely and friendly people....but why can I not find friends as such? Time will tell....I guess
HEART FELT CONDOLENCES.
HEART FELT CONDOLENCES to the family, friends and loved ones of the wonderful soul that have left to be with God again in Heaven. I am so sure they are deeply missed by those close to their heart.
Life is so dramatically short. And death of a partner or family member or loved one is never easy. Some say its easier for those who go early as they have the shortest amount of time together...but that is never true...because there is countless "what if's" and the wonderful future they were looking forward to together. But having spent 50 years of your life together, there is so much to miss....and it cant be any easier.
Classes have just started and some classes are fun and some are not...yes...boring as crazy. But you know what..I realise there are more important things than complaining bout boring classes and that is really enjoying life. I am determined to make the best of my life...no more complaining and trying to have as much fun as possible even when doing the most mundane things..(yes! that's right! Like serving customers in a petrol station!)
I was talking to my best friend in Malaysia last nite....moaning and groaning about how everyone in my graduated class of 2007 has started working and collecting every single opportunity out there. I wonder..."WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING HERE? STUDYING AGAIN FOR ANOTHER 2 YEARS WHILE THE WHOLE WORLD SWIRLS IN THE WORKING ARENA?" . And as usual he doesn't help me but gives vague non related answers or even questions. But hey I love him....so his weirdness doesn't bother me that much anyway LOL.
He did however point out something very useful. He said I was very doubtful of myself and my decisions. Where did that come from? I do not know but I gotta fight it. It's ruining me.....
On to something happier...I am happier....THE END.....muahahahhaha
