Forced silence....
Some people say that the worst thing is to have nothing to say. I believe that the worst thing is to have something to say but not be able to say it...because nobody is listening.
Not having anything to say is just a blank mind, an empty canvas...just ready for learning, seeing and absorbing anything new and exciting. But to have your thoughts and ideas trapped behind a locked door seems to be the ultimate torture.
I remembered in undergrad in Lim Kok Wing, I used to complain bout having lazy group mates or receiving last minute work. One semester I was so confident I decided...hey...let's not stick to the group I am so happily contented with...let's shake the earth and mix about. Nothing good came out of that but learning the ability to maintain your dignity and that I love & miss my group members that listened to my opinions, openly debate it without discriminating and always thinking you are equal to them. They are the gems I found in uni that brought about the spark and confidence I have today.
Thank you...Ari, Ji-Ann, Evangeline, Asiyath, Annabell-o, Vanessa 1 & Vanessa 2! I miss your inspirational minds....
Now, I feel its a bit hard. One, it is because I feel a bit shy about voicing my opinion as I had not studied overseas long and might not be as knowledgeable as them. Two, its hard when others seem more aggressive and sometimes pushy...as I, being a proud Asian, tend to be more collective I guess. I think we call that....introvert? Did I get that right?
I miss those days where people would actually pause to hear what your opinions....
I miss debating on level ground...where no one has better/ultimate knowledge....
So, let's be open minds. Did they not say that it is always better to listen than speak all the time....which is why we have two ears and only one mouth?
Listen....for I am too here waiting to listen to what you have to say......
Dental work..
I am embarrassed to say this but I got really bad teeth. 2 really bad fixtures needed and loads of drilling then fixing then filling. I am even more embarrassed that the dentist was my boyfriend's mother's boss.
But she was the best dentist I have experienced. She was gentle and she was actually upset when the anesthetic did not work on me and I was clenching my arm in pain throughout the whole procedure.
Sadly to say, her one and a half hours of work was only to fix one cavity. I have to return next Mon for another hour of suffering. Currently, I cannot open my mouth wider than a small gap and I can only eat on the left side. However, even though the anesthetic did not offer much consolation during the whole procedure it did help with the pain after.
Last night, I was able to eat lamb chops. Today, without them, I barely can stuff in a soft baked potato slice. I guess we take certain things in life for granted. Like the fact that despite saying how much you hate being drugged up, Nurofen is a live saver at times of distraught. I woke up in the middle of the night moaning and crying from the pain of the whole procedure as it all caught up with me....finally..
So people...learn from me....make sure you see a dentist every 6 months. Do not procrastinate like I did...as now I have to suffer badly....for life possibly as I look forward to root canal treatment.
End of semester here...
It's crunch time again...the end of semester is here and I am going through the vicious cycles again of stress and slacking. I am not proud of how much I procrastinate but this semester motivation seems dim. I am teamed up with the smartest and most knowledgeable bunch in all my subjects...so when I go for group meetings it seems like a battle to prove my worth to be standing amongst them. There is no balance in the group as my opinions seem to slip through the cracks and never acknowledged.
Since arriving in Australia, I have learned much from my low ranking job as a servo girl that there should be no one who makes you feel lower; that everyone is equal. I no longer stand there quietly when people talk down to me and I do not think myself lowly just because I am a poor student working in a petrol station.
However, with this group assignments, I go to them dreading how they would put me down and yet I feel the same apprehension and fear of telling them what I think. Of asking them to maybe speak to me as an equal. Yes, I may be Asian and my accent is not superior to you...but I am proud to be Malaysian...and I am also as smart if you would allow me that freedom of speech. Ok...maybe I have not been taught active out-of-the-box thinking...but I do try and learn. And I am sure not all of my stuff are that bad....
Anyway, enough complaining Erin and get back to work....hahahah
Breaking through...
Whenever my good friend
Ari talks to me about affirmations and
The Secret book...I could never really comprehend what she was talking about...like I understood it but it just did not sit right in my mind. I used to frustrate her all the time with that....I can almost imagine her pulling her hair out.
But today....I choose this to be my affirmation...
My Life is working right NOW.Today I live healthier because I make wise choices. I am rid of past regrets and old habits. They do not interfere in my productive lifestyle. I can Have, Be, and Do anything I desire.I look and do my best and God does the rest. ~Debra Lamb~
But I do want to add that....I am happy and loved. That all who hurt me are beyond me. That God is there craddling my life in His hands and that I am working great and excellent towards our future....
And everyone say...AMEN!
P.S. ~ Let's just say a certain someone realised that deep down inside she is still hurting and in need of some loving...spiritually and mentally.....and tho having been keeping it in to seem strong she is letting it out in the open and HEAL....
Unhappy man of God?
Going to church almost all my life...you come to notice our pastors, priests, bishops and leaders to be invincible people that many admire. But we seldom see the bad sides of such Holy men and women of God unless the wind blows and rumours fall to your ears of their bad cranky hair days.
However, when you work in a petrol station, you see the wide variety of people and finally some days you see these wonderful men of God.....yet sadly to say...in such situations, these men of God aren't of the best character. Let's just say...they were not the best customers!!!
First, they are always distant....making us feel as if their spirit is not even there as we talk to them...(maybe they were with God at that time?) and it borders on being a little rude as my polite "how do you do's" are actually ignored. Maybe we foul petrol station people are too scary sinners to approach? But I highly doubt that's how God is... but weirdly being a pastor or priest is very much a people job....yet at the best or some say worst opportune time....they cannot offer up a smile.....
Secondly, they are always abrupt and in a hurry...rushing into the transaction and rushing to try to get out of the transaction.....so its always a hurried...no thanks to the promos...yes to the receipt......whispered thanks under the breath and lastly, legs running out the door. I wonder how heavy the burdens of a man of God is to not have the time to enjoy a leisurely stroll to pay for fuel.
There are many days that I admire their commitment and sacrifice to the church but other days I hope that they may be an example to people who actually hate working there on Sundays. For me, being in church for so many years I understand the stress...but imagine how many more lives they can touch by slowing down and actually looking at the people behind the counter.....
What do you think?
Almost died....
It's scary and horrendously nerve-wrecking when you see a speeding car going out of control towards you. All you think about is closing your eyes and praying you live while bracing yourself for what impact might come. The worst part about such a thing is when you are stuck between other cars and you have no where to run but just to wait for the worst. It is a feeling so horrible that even I am lost for words now.
However, in this story, we survived....if not I would not have the pleasure of telling you this story now. Many of us had car accidents before...but near-fatal ones seem to be the rare one. Though both of us came out unharmed from the incident, I know deep down in my heart I have been scarred; by fear, apprehension, doubt and the land of all that is good has been shaken.
To me on the passenger seat, all I saw was a ute in front of me slowing down to turn as the car I am in slow down with it patiently awaiting it,then seconds later the driver in a big truck about to turn out from a street in front of us showing the hand signal to slow down (for whatever reason I do not know), the next thing I see is a car swerving around us hitting into another truck from the opposite lane and crashing into the fence of empty land. I thought I had the better end of the deal as I was oblivious the whole time before it happened. The driver of the car however soaked up the fear way before as he looked into the rear view mirror to see a car speeding towards us, with no where to run and no possible way to save the woman he loves. He waited for the crash to happen as the ute in front of us happily turned his corner. Inches before the speeding car hits our car, he swerves to the next lane only to loose control and hit a car coming from the opposite direction.
Though it may seem weird but making the choice to not run away could not have prevented the accident. However it did save our lives. Because, even if we jumped across to the other lane.....as tight as it would have been...we would have been the target hit for the speeding car as he tried to avoid the turning ute. God was there protecting us....protecting me from screaming my head off and scaring the driver into doing something he would not have done normally. Protecting us against being slammed up the cab of the ute.
So, forgive me housemates, if a broken down fridge does not seem like the biggest crisis in the world. Because, starting today, I am not going to hold your hand and waste my time in this world to baby sit you as you cant seem to find a warranty card or have time to buy toilet paper. I am living today for myself. For the people who actually cares a dim wat from me. Because a man saw a speeding car racing towards us and took it all to himself. Because God showed me that life was short. Because today seemed like a sunnier day than yesterday.
