Growing up...
As I sat across the table, staring into the once familiar faces of my best friends, I sigh in amazement at how many years has flow by us. I thank God for the allowing these friendships to endure the wear and tear of teenage-hood into adulthood.
In a once familiar mamak store, I tell of my new friends found in Perth. Tell of my escapades working and supporting myself while she indulges me with updates of her committed relationship and the challenges she faces. My mind reels back to 8 years ago when all we would gush about is that cute 16 year old boy who said hi to me in church. Things sure have changed dramatically.
The next day, amidst devouring a yummy plate of cheesy crab tapas, my other friend and I discuss her wedding plans. Secretly, my heart yearns for the loving relationship this couple has had for the past 2 1/2 years and more to come. I wish them the joy and happiness of their future life together as husband and wife. I am excited to be a witness to their wondrous occasion especially since I was there the first day they met, there the first time they kissed, there as they announced their engagement to the world and so I am looking forward to be there as they start their new journey together.
At 23 years old this year, I am feeling the desperate cry for stability. However, it seems my life is calling me towards a different path. With my new adopted zen-like attitude, I am glad to be embracing all these new challenges and going with the flow towards great adventures ahead. As another 1.5 years of stressful supporting myself dilemmas and torturous masters studies will pursue, I am sure there is much to learn and much to gain from this experience.
While a friend teases me of my reaction towards an orgy for Valentine's Day, I realise somewhere deep down inside....I am ready to try something new. That I am no longer too afraid to embrace what is unknown....to be brave enough to continue walking on despite uncertainty and being alone. So, is this the part that shows we have grown up? Or are we just subconsciously evolving and aging?
*Hmmmm* I might be...up for that orgy after all...!?!?!? Hahahahahhaaa
Asian enough?
Lil old me is finally home in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia...after a 5 hour flight delay..another 2 hour flight delay and constant stupidity of not activating the international roaming in my phone.
The first sign of home was when I touched down in Brunei....lugging my large laptop around to the next check-in counter. My eyes spy the show on the television hanging above. I continued on... laughing and giggling to myself, to the amusement of most of the passengers around. What I saw was...a typical malay soap drama, something I have not seen in a whole year. Hearing the malay words thrown during an over dramatic love fighting scene between the first and second wife never cease to amuse me!!! I was finally home *sigh*
After much problem of trying to communicate with my family back home that my flight has been delayed...(did I forget to mention...I did not activate my international roaming?? IDIOT!!)..I spotted a internet cafe qouting only AUD$3 for half an hour. My mind rejoiced at how cheap it was considering it was late night services at a airport. My eyes scanned the other prices as my heart sank....it was RM8 for half an hour. I was so used to not converting stuff anymore that I did not realise how expensive it was...naughty me...!!!
Oh well desperate times called for desperate measures. True enough...my internet addict brother was online and I told him my flight details. Yet, somehow when I arrived in KK, they were still late to pick me up. I was contemplating what horrendous deeds I could do in exchange for a free phone call to my family. Blow job? Exposed boob? Dirty dancing?
Gladly, half an hour later I see my scrawny brother and surprisingly hot little sister walking down the plank towards me. I was overjoyed...finally able to go home!
While Perth was 40 degrees and Malaysia only 32 degrees. Yet, I had to shower 3-4 times a day...the humidity keeps me sweating like a pig...ARGH! My body clock is so in tune to Perth that by 9am I am awake walking about an empty house of snoring siblings.But best of all...going on an outing with my family...I realise...I don't fit in anymore. Everything is the same as I left it, but I don't fit into that scene anymore....why?
In Perth...I was too Asian but here in Malaysia...I am not Asian enough. What is one to do then? Has the exposure towards different cultures knock you into a different category of person?
As I walk out into the streets of my neighborhood looking at the dogs caged up all day, I feel anger welling up in this cruelty. My parents don't cage my dogs up but they are still confined to their own space in the backyard. Have my mentality turned too Western that I believe dogs should be treated like your own baby? I don't blame my parents...they treat my doggies well.....I treat them better.
Where do I go from here....a mixed breed of culture that is unable to be classified...hated by one, misunderstood by the other? Do I select family first and put myself second as most Asians would do...or do I select what is best for oneself first then the obligation to family comes in second as many of my Aussie friends have impressed upon me?
New beginnings...
Life seem to be racing past you. And you stand there stagnant not knowing where to go next. But that is the best thing isn't it...we get the time to think...and allow our mind, soul and body to prepare itself for what is to come. I guess some days we should just thank God for the moments that make us stop and think.
2007 has been quite a eventful one for me. But today I am glad to say that 2008 will be without the anger I felt towards someone. After a 20 Aussie dollar call, I felt the closure I needed. I do not know if meeting up will do anything but it will be nice to see an old friend despite it all. I appreciate everything that he has done for me.
As the world moves forward and I am finally able to come out of my bubble, I listen to the classic rock music that I have always loved but never seemed to have expressed to anyone. No one could understand my love for soft rock and classic rock....maybe its cuz I am a girl and I could never name anyone famous/band/singer from that genre. I just love it...but I am not good with names. The only reason why I know who Fort Minor is was cuz someone used to hammer it into my head all the time. But at least I know I am not that clueless now.....
Besides this rambling, I guess what I am trying to say is...life gives you unexpected twists which seem to rip your heart out. Even though it hurts like s*@$, we get a taste of the wonderful things we want...and finally the small whiffs and tastes of the cake will finally bring you to the treasure long awaited. And I can't wait for that day....and I am grateful for every person who helps me arrive there.....
Anniversary
Today would have been my 2 year anniversary. It was today that we first kissed. And today that I said "yes". No wonder I have been so cranky yesterday and today. Yesterday I was a little desperate for company that I begged my best friend to come online. But sadly, she was busy with things and her darling. And also then I couldn't pin point the reason why I was feeling like so.
However, today as I had so many issues happening to me and I finally realized the date. Things went downhill from there. So many wishes...so many promises...oh well life was good. Thank God for that....
You complete me...
The only one reason that made the
Jerry Maguire (1996) movie such a hit was their out of this world phrases.
Like one of them would be, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" which I felt was really not my thing. And me, like other girls, would gush about two sentences that was entered into their dreams. "You complete me" and "You had me at hello". Now, as we little kiddies sit watching the movie...sniffing at the romantic scene, I know the exact same thing is happening in each and every girl watching this; that they would want to be able to hear those words uttered to them and for them.
Then, the ex-'never been'-FTV student in me started thinking back to the very first love stories told in a form of fairy tales. Each one depicting a romance that makes our love relationships pale in comparison. No man would ride a thousand miles on a horse just to kiss a sleeping woman...or climb up a tower using her hair (which I must say I assume has not been washed) to save a damsel in distress. However, with my bias towards my gender, I have seen many women who endured life as
Beauty and the Beast. Horrible men who misuse women's sacrificial love for their own benefit.
But not all guys are like that. Sometimes the table turn and you find a man in the same situation as poor little Bell. Or sometimes, the fairy tale does end well with the Beast turning back into a charming prince and Bell is able to live happily ever after.
Don't you think that these stupid fairy tales and love movies make it harder for pure simple love relationships to exist? Girls start to expect more flowers, more chivalry , more mushy words and guys start to crave for sexy girls in high heels and slutty underwear & also sex on the first date Haahahahah.
Even so, tho this conspiracy must end, I do say tonight I will dream of my Mr. Prince Charming who gently massages my aching shoulder for I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning, and also greet my sore feet with a warm towel & lovely hands to soothe the pain. And when all is better, kiss me tenderly til I am contented & warm with love. As my eyes close into slumber sleep....I think I heard this faceless perfect man whisper in my ears; "You complete me...."
My last day...
The clock strikes 4.50am as I struggle to carry myself out of bed. I sigh...work again...so early with the dreaded long 40 minute walk. I silently crept to the bathroom and got ready for my long journey. The Saturday morning walks are usually uneventful as most of the drunken clubbers are found on Sunday mornings.
I stepped into the darkness at 5.05 am donning my purple jumpsuit for the cold weather. The long walk will warm me up somehow. I prepare my brain for the silent torture as it plays out the events of 2007 that still continues to haunt me. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of feet shuffling. My heart began to pulse a little faster and I turn my head behind me checking for any weird strangers. I see none and allow my mind to drift back to the dilemma in my mind. However, even though I should have been reassured, my pace has quickened a fair bit.
Seconds later, my deep contemplation was alerted by the sound of someone calling me. I panic as no one should even be awake at this ghastly hour; besides me. My quick pace turns into an almost jog, desperate to get away from the howling man. My mind reels the danger of possible rape, mugging or some drunk crazy guy looking to hurt me. I feared for my life and my safety.
It felt like the longest 6 minutes of my life as I lugged my bag close to my chest praying hard that God will spare me, looking for houses that I could dart into and hide. As I hear his footsteps approaching a run and his voice drawing closer to my attempt runaway, my prayers became more fervent and my darting eyes more urgent for an escape route. Fear gripped me as adrenalin and terror filled my body. I never once dared to turn to look back.
Soon, I heard his voice approaching almost as close as a whisper in my ear but my feet has reached the payment for the highway. He suddenly stopped chasing and I ran for my life away towards the bright lights and finally was able to turn round. At first I thought it was my imagination concocting some weird nightmare but as I see his face across the street staring at me walk away, I knew I was not dreaming.
As I continued to walk the further 30 minutes towards the store, my mind, soul and body was too numb to react. After my 10 hour shift, as I sat in the safety of my room, I realized that in exactly 24 hours I had to walk down that same road. I tried to ask my housemate to send me but she seems a little reluctant. She told me to face my fears.
As I prepared myself for the doom, I did all a person could do before a day that could change their life. I took out all my important stuff and locked it into a drawer. I carried nothing but a 10 dollar note, my phone and important phone numbers on a piece of paper. Yet, even so, I couldn't sleep. So, I called my ex boyfriend/best friend to say goodbye...in case anything happened. My concerns were answered with emotionless "uhuh's". My heart sank....a sleepless night to come.
The alarm once again beep 4.50 am. As I stepped out into the dark, I gripped my big bundle of hse keys til the blood rushed out. I prayed hard as I walked down the same path. My eyes darted around looking for anything suspicious. My heart raced 120 beats a minute. 10 minutes later, I reached the highway where he stopped. I felt relief wash over me but the worst is not over yet. I still had another 30 minutes to go. Soon I was safely in the warmth of the store. After holding it in for so long, I cried but no tears came. No time for that tho...there was work to do.
That night, as I lay in bed, the tears flowed. For the lost friendship, for the lost of safety, for the lost innocence, for the lost of faith in no fear. For what I thought could have been my last day alive.
Scandalous....
He is 6 feet 2 inches and has the scruffiest of brown and red hair ever seen. With the even temper of a little cute bunny and the anger of a lion, he scares most of the people away. But a smile is always present for the dearest few and even snide comments made about him does not wipe away that 100megawatt smile. Driving a white ute that is utterly way too big for his frame, his never ending story telling cheers a boring day.
That is my new 'bloke' as most Australians would put it. He gets me to do things that I would not usually do. And some days he even gets me to take on his responsibilities which I enjoy deeply just to please him. Our love hate relationship towards the idiotic world surrounding us fuels many conversations. His plans for a going away party for yours truly before I leave makes the heart flutter and face blush.
He answers my phone calls with, "Hello my little chickadee!" while his mates tease him on about it. His sweet acceptance of how much he needs me makes me feel all the more proud of myself.
Sadly...there is a 'but' to this story.
For as you see, I did not know this relationship exists but only in the mind of my boss...my manager of that horrid petrol station. This is all but a part of his imaginary relationship which I would call as the "cry of the lonely". As he walked off towards the shops to buy dinner for himself alone that night in a beautiful house which is not his (but which he is house-sitting for) and a much anticipated walk around the neighbourhood which is also not his to call his own, I hear his words resounding in my mind; replaying itself, "...As long as I am happy, it doesn't matter if it is imaginary."
However, I do not see his attempts as pathetic for I feel life is interesting playing of such games. For even as there is no interest looming about in the air of the petrol station, at least smiles are about.
For Shakespeare once said,
"All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players..."
As You Like It, Act II, Scene 7, 139–42.[30]So, why not? Right...why not? The world is dull enough with the mundane repetition of everyday work. So, why not make a stage of our life and play it out in the way we want it to. Someday, it might be a little more difficult with the multiple challenges bombarding our way but just, some days, wouldn't it be wonderful to laugh the humid uninteresting day away?
What say you?
