3000 km away...He is here...in the same continent as me. And he did not call to inform me or to ask me if I wanted to drop by or if he could drop by. And my heart crushes to bits knowing he is 3000 km away but his heart is even further from me.
And I love him. Hard core, forever strong, 'I am always fine' Erin falls deeply in love with a man who no longer loves her. This Erin....the same woman that keeps telling herself she doesn't need a man in her life. She thought she was better and she could survive. Then, a handsome man shakes her boat....telling her its ok to let love in...and she did.
She finally felt the perfect safety net - cuddling together; the one thing place where she doesn't need a mask, knowing she doesn't have to take care of everything all the time...that she doesn't have to be perfect and strong all the time. She felt safe and happy. And some days she curse at God for taking it away. Some days she begs God to give it back. But most days she just cries knowing she will never feel it again.
Then, the next morning, eyes swollen and having slept alone....longing all thru the sleepless night to feel his arms around her again...she puts her mask back on. Ready to take on the world and thinking if she focus on her other dreams ( where in fact the truth pales in comparison of her one true dream of being with him ) she might some how survive and put behind the heart break and horrible-ness of how life feels.
And this makes me...all the more pathetic and weak.....right?
---------------------- An hour later --------------------------
A friend points out what I am doing to myself is bad for me. Working every day and studying and sleeping only 4-5 hours during exam week is going to cost me. But I don't have enough time to earn that amount for next semester and I gotta study too...I can't fail.
So here I am...confronted that my mask is not working. Being told that I cannot do it all. But the problem is....I do it because it is the only way I can do it. I HAVE TO do it all...because who is going to catch me if I fall? Who?
No one right? Not even the guy who told me forever. So, someone tell me, if I don't do it all....how then? Who will cover up my slack...who will pick up from where I left off....who....no one but lonely old me....