I hate myself...I look at myself in the mirror. I gag from the ugliness I see in front of me. It's not the psoriasis red inflaming exposes skin that repulses me but the self-loathing that turns my stomach.
A few days ago, I experienced the full blown impact of my disease. Assignments were catching up on me and God has delightfully presented me with a opportunity to be kind and nice to one very lazy classmate and another overly blur one. The progression of course would be for little old me to pick up the slack which resulted in a 48 no sleep just to finish their work. Lazy classmate decided that he would only contribute 2 hours before the presentation and blur one felt that it was funny to forget all her main points during the presentation leaving me with the worst mark I have gotten this semester for a presentation. I understood the lecturer was kind enough to consider in my hard work and it was a fairly good mark. But it is not good enough for me especially since I have worked so hard on it.
During that 48 hours of no sleep, my skin condition detected the stress levels. Started shooting all the white blood cell to my skin. Attacking it till it was extremely inflamed...in just minutes my arms and legs were swollen and extremely itchy. But it did not end there.....it started to hurt...under the skin...as if someone was tightening my skin around the arm and it had no space at all to breathe. I was relieved that maybe that might be the end of the pain, after putting 10 tonnes on moisturizer on my arms and legs to relieve the tension, but this time they sent their troopers to my joints. Digging into it like hungry little pigs. Pain shot through my joints like needles and thumb tacks have replaced my joint fluids.
My stupidity to pick those group mates pales in comparison to my stupidity of still being in love with him. A man I dedicated my whole life to but chose to leave me because of reason unable to be explained. Tell a woman that and her mind whirlpools into a flashback on every situation she could have caused this. I braced my heart doing everything just in order to have him love me again...but that didn't work...so I did everything so we could at least still talk....but that also didn't work. People keep telling me to move on ...and that I am not allowing myself not to. Which idiot would want to endure so much pain all the time...I don't think its nice feeling this constant pain in your heart, crying when no one is looking, dream plagued with how much he doesn't care bout you and never did, waking up in tear and feeling like the worst pile of shit, walking through the day happy but dying inside, feeling my condition worsen because I can't be happy, the physical pain reminding me of how idiotic I am allowing my emotional pain cause it.
Before this...I said that I would trade a 100 days of that constant psoriasis pain so I could spend one happy day with him. Today, I would trade in a 1000 days of that same pain so that he would be fine and just tell me in 4 short words.."I'm good and healthy."
What an idiot I am...don't you think? I wonder how God feels bout me bargaining with Him....