Realisation...I am once again looking into his beautiful eyes. My heart is racing, my fingers and toes numb from excitement. "I missed you so much!", I whispered breathlessly. He reaches his hand out to me. My heart skips a beat as he approaches closer. I see my hand stretch out to meet his. I inwardly gasp. Something is not right with that picture. There is a glistening silver object that I am holding; ready to give over to him. My mind races, my reasoning skills in a blur. Suddenly it clicks, it is my knife from my side drawer. What is happening? What is he going to do with it?
I search the depth of his eyes. Searching for that last grain of love for me. I found none. And then, a voice within me told him, "Please stab me! Do it please. End my suffering!"
With that encouragement, he dove into me aiming the knife straight at my heart. I did not scream yet smiled falsely as I feel the warm blood trickle down the front of my shirt. My mind constantly repeats, pleading; "I love you. Why won't you love me back?" as his stabbing intensifies with rage and maybe a little amusement. I see Satan again. This time he is closer. Seeing the horror in front of him, he seems to come even closer; smiling smugly. The whole scene seems to beckon him for a closer look.
I watch as this fallen angel approaches closer. The stench of death lingering in the air, the foul odor of his rotting flesh triggers me to want to vomit. Yet, I have lost feeling of everything in my body. There is pools of blood everywhere and my body has gone limp. I am now standing watching from afar, standing beside my body and the violent man I once loved.
"God! WHY?", I scream. The gates of heaven open, and my eyes close shut from the splendor. The next thing I knew, He was before me. I was sitting on His lap like a little girl, cuddled in the warmth of Holiness. His awesomeness reveals the hurt and pain and blackness in me. I break down in tears.
"I am so sorry for being such a bad child", I plead with tears streaming down my face. He silents me, saying "Let him go. Let him go." I finally understood and took His orders into heart. The weight from the reality of what I am about to do creates more violent tears. He allows me to cry my heart out. I snuggle in for a long day of crying and comfort from my Heavenly Father. Before my eyes shut into a peaceful sleep, I ask Him one last question;
"Will he ever love me again?"
My answer was met with silence. I ask no more and allow sleep to lull me away.