Part 3A little break from the series of truths because I have one more to tell but still in the tug of war in the worth of telling that story. Here is something else instead..
Eyes framed in geeky glasses. Mouth filled with iron bars and yellow bands. Lips chapped from dryness. Black coloring the wardrobe. Sleeked down oily hair. A too fair coloured skin. This encompassed the scene in which I first saw him. He was sitting in front of me eavesdropping on my conversation with a friend. First choir meeting and 5 minutes in, I already regret being there. My mind screams, "God, I can't sing. That choir master with the weird 80's hair will sure to kick me out".
His snickering indicated he was listening in. I was not very impressed. A man with the traits of a woman. His true beauty was sheltered by his weird jokes and nerdy references to things. His wonderful personality was shadowed by a cuter shorter more charming man from my hometown, Kota Kinabalu. He seemed a little too persistent on wanting to meet up later. A little too desperate for attention.
He annoyed me when he talked. He was too much of a spend thrift. He had too much love for his computer games. His life was everything about theater and acting. He was revoltingly still a child. Yet, 8 months down the road, my days were filled with his sms-es. A bad day at work meant that he was one call away to relief and happiness. Smiling came easier, laughing more intense, intimacy was just a step away.
Cinemas in KL were the hot spot for everything. And it became the hot spot for my love scene. A comedic Cantonese movie which he brought me for set the scene for the night. After beating him down endlessly for the past 283 days with my bat of rejection, I felt myself falling as he placed his hand next to mine. I knew his mind wasn't on that moving fat man on the screen but more on fervent prayer that I would respond positively. My brain screamed; "NOOOOO!" yet my hand refused to obey. I placed my hand on his and looked straight ahead refusing to admit the damage I have done. My heart races faster knowing there was no turning back. Why did it feel so right when my heart was still debating how unsure I was?
The night ensued with me using him as a punching bag of my doubt and insecurities. How was I going to tell my best friend after saying to her I won't fall? I can imagine the scene unfolding.
Best friend from many years,"So you finally fell. I knew it. Just because you never had a man chasing you for so long."
Me in disarray,"But but...."
Terrific-lawyer-to-be-if-she-would-study-law;"It's all the emotions coming to you. He is such a boy!"
Me still in disarray, "But I love him..."
Cruella De'Ville," You will regret this. Mark my words. He knows you are easily swayed now."
Truth is..she is not that horrific yet my mind seems to conjure her as a witch. 24 hours later, a cute sheep arrives in my hand. One I have been dreaming about for years from friends as a birthday gift. Several minutes later, I was ushered into the Gold Class to watch my all time favourite movie - Memoirs of a Geisha. I never knew the ending. Till today. Because after caging up my feelings for so long, I kissed him just as Sayuri plots her plan for true love. 60 minutes later, I told him yes. Finally, I could say YES to love, YES to trying, YES to risking it all, YES to a man, and YES to trusting. Today, this image still vividly plays in my mind. The awe, the beating heart, the passion, the fire, the assurance that I am loved. Even though all that has shattered into a million glass pieces, the glue of hope that stripes life away through its toxic chemicals sits in my hand as I lovingly try to string each piece back together as Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love shakes her head disapprovingly while Venus crosses her fingers wishing Cupid was still able to help.
So, does moving on mean that I have to make a conscious effort to go further away from the one thing that the heart really desires and wants? Does forgetting and going forward mean to blur out all those memories into meaningless nothingness of all those wonderful moments?