Epistle of the stars!

Condition or curse?

"Your next course of treatment would be taking cancer pills", the doctor says gently and calmly at my quivering face about to burst into tears. I am afraid, shaking in fact, as he tells me that my medication and consultations to come would not be fully covered by my health insurance.

I am about to collapse from the intense pressure. I grip myself for any further blows and I cannot take any more. The doctor seems to understand my dilemma and silently writes out my referral to another specialist.

I have an incurable disease but its not cancer. It has every symptom of cancer yet it is not life threatening. Everyone would tell me that I should be grateful of my chance at life. I would tell them the opposite. I do not appreciate the "life-is-so-short" policy that most would have adopted by now because I feel like I am standing in a corridor lined up with doors of opportunities at each side of me. I see every door ahead of me slamming shut as I stand there mouth open wide in surprise.

This is how it goes..I have a genetic skin disorder. My T-cells are attacking my skin daily creating little tumours on it. It looks horrific and ugly-fied. Trust me...you don't want to be with me. It is triggered to get worst by alcohol, smoking, medication, stress, chlorine and every single thing on earth. Lately, as you all have know, I have been real stressed out about certain things namely my assignments and have taken a horrible toll into it.

My doctor in Malaysia knew of my condition but somehow forgot to tell me. I was unable to take precautions until it has reached quite a serious stage. My next course of action; to take medication that cancer patients take including all their risks. I hate myself even more at the thought that I am robbing people who need it more than I do. However, this can only be confirmed at my next RM400 doctors appointment which I cannot afford.

Is it a blessing that I won't die from it? Maybe. But every medical treatment for me would be life threatening with all their humongous risks.
Is it a curse? I feel it is. My future holds controlled situations, forced happiness because I cannot stress, arthritis, ugliness, disfiguration, pain, sleepless nights. How am I to stay stress-free when all I see ahead is that?

Oh God...please help me. Please!

P.S. ~ I am so sorry to babble on. It's difficult putting on a front to everyone that you are ok/smiling/happy when deep down inside you are in despair and worried.

Isn't there some days you feel like you are falling down the stairs non-stop?

posted by Orion @ 12:12 AM