Too many "if's"...
How many of you spend too many moments of your life wasting it on "if" scenarios? Please do put up your hands. Haha mine would shoot right up at that instant and for sure...I can assure you...I am a No. 1 worry-wart.
I am an expert at conjuring up different far-fetched scenarios for a simple thing and somehow manage to do it for every second of my life for the longest stretch possible. Ask any of my friends how freaking annoying I am....actually wait....ask my current partner...he will tell you the countless times I absorb into the same stupid subject. I am still amazed how he manages to continue to stick around.
As you see...a few days ago...I paid AUD$ 250 for my driving test....$100 for the test and guess what...$150 to use the instructor's car for the exam. It is not cheap and I was praying to pass at the first go. But then...I failed...BY ONE FREAKING MARK!! Imagine my frustration....and my utter disgust at myself. So horrid was it, that I have not been eating and sleeping well because the incident keeps haunting me....my brain then grudgingly wakes me up at the wee hours of the morning just to remind me what a failure I am....insisting to bring up flashback after flashback of what I did wrong.
And with that...the dark cloud forms...the rain of tears flowing at the weirdest times....while working, or eating or just plain reading a book. Depression follows next and then my infamous anorexic phase (if it could occur...haha love food too much) or I think recently would be a spur of binge eating. However, how is it that we fail to see what is the real root of the problem?
Most days, I would blame God. Even this time...I question whether He really loved me as I still failed my driving exam even after praying and believing. And surprisingly, even got Mr. BF to pray for me...and that is an amazing feat. Somehow, something went wrong....and the faith did not turn into victory. And I was angry and disappointed with God. Then, Mr. BF said a real stunner...."God has a plan. Maybe He is just testing your faith". Well, I might not know His divine plan....but He did show me....that I must learn to let go.
Having too many "what if" and killing myself over small issues will not help me grow.....so I am learning...God I am...trying at least...teach me!!!
Congratulations to my best friend, Maggie Doh....on her wonderful wedding day. Saddens me to know that I was not there to watch her be perfectly beautiful as all brides am. However, with dengue on her tail and so much to do, she still managed to make me cry even from hearing her bridesmaid tell me how pretty she looks as she puts on her veil.
I can imagine her...all nervous and jittery but so stunningly beautiful. I can almost see her smiling that wide grin, the same one as she kissed him the first night she met him. The same soft tender glow she gets from his attention, as the one where he called to chat with her for the first time...to get to know her.
I am utterly upset to not be there...to watch this love blossom into the next level especially since I was there when they first met, there as she told me she loves him, there as they moved in together. But I guess I will promise to be there in spirit...and the flesh is financially unavailable.
As I soak in visions of her in a beautiful white gown and a wedding beyond imagination, I feel a little jealousy seethe at the borders. Happy yet jealous at the same time that she found her "The One" at such a young age....so fast so quick so easy. That they are both stable in their jobs while me, the same age as her, still struggle through essays and exams. And that they finally are married and have a wedding of their dreams. But the vision of her....smiling excited as I called on her wedding day....shoots the jealousy down the drain. Though she was not able to answer the phone I know deep down inside...she wanted me there. And I truly wanted to be there...and my soul reaches out to be by her side walking down the aisle.
But the world is a cruel place and we do not get what we want. I want to get a proper job...stop school...stop having to serve stupid customers and have my own house. But I can't. So, if my best friend is living the life she wants....omit the dengue....I am overly happy and excited for her. Though she has her challenges, and me mine, but I am sure at this moment of time...she is on Pleasure Island
! One day....my day will come.....*smile*
Which is better: to hide or to tell d truth?
Sometimes in relationships, there are certain points and decisions in which decides the turning point of the whole journey. Sadly to say, but everything we do is a constant reminder of the Butterfly Effect movie 2003
and how each and every decision in life will cause a dramatic change in our intended path.
DAMN! Suddenly it is not so fun to learn by mistakes and to follow your heart's desires and see what happens next. Sitting downstairs alone with a small heater adequate enough only to warm my toes, surrounded by my boyfriend's freakish looking miniatures and dishes that is beckoning to be washed...I suddenly am given the opportunity to have wonderful flashbacks on all the moments in which was my "Ashton Kutcher blackout moment"
One thing I remember from the failure of my last relationship was the day I started noticing the skank playing with him. Actually she is not a skank but a really nice girl...but at that moment of time...I hated her. Anyway, from then it was downhill, the trust was gone and the constant fighting not to mention I was tens of thousand miles away. I remember going back to see him after a year, he aloof and high...me sad and distraught...and I remember every word he said on how the failure was caused by the issue that no matter how much he tried I would still be upset every time I called and he was out partying. I could think of all the ways of putting the blame on him...but somehow it was not worth the effort. But somehow that seemed appropriate to be categorized as a butterfly effect moment
My butterfly effect moment in my current relationship was actually....weirdly...fighting horribly during our first month together. So we put all our cards on the table and gambled our hearts in. But the stakes were too high and we were too important to each other so we carefully worked our way to a win-win situation. When "HE" asked me to tell my parents bout us...I was skeptical...I always believed that ignorance is bliss esp when it comes to my very uptight and protective parents. Don't get me wrong...I love them...but then can get too much for a young rebellious girl like me!
But we...or more he...weighed the options and telling them was the best for our future. And I did...that Sunday....and we survived. My parents were so shocked...they were speechless...a first for them. My mom had the humour to scream out.."YOU GETTING MARRIED" in which got me scolded by my dad once she passed the phone over. Let's just say he assume marriage and no more studying.....kakakaka. One month later...my parents are happy to hear stories bout our crazy working lives together and they joke bout using him as my green card. All in all...I am glad we made a smart decision that somehow was the greatest blessing from God.....not to mention most nerve-wrecking!!!!!