Epistle of the stars!

Too many "if's"...

How many of you spend too many moments of your life wasting it on "if" scenarios? Please do put up your hands. Haha mine would shoot right up at that instant and for sure...I can assure you...I am a No. 1 worry-wart.

I am an expert at conjuring up different far-fetched scenarios for a simple thing and somehow manage to do it for every second of my life for the longest stretch possible. Ask any of my friends how freaking annoying I am....actually wait....ask my current partner...he will tell you the countless times I absorb into the same stupid subject. I am still amazed how he manages to continue to stick around.

As you see...a few days ago...I paid AUD$ 250 for my driving test....$100 for the test and guess what...$150 to use the instructor's car for the exam. It is not cheap and I was praying to pass at the first go. But then...I failed...BY ONE FREAKING MARK!! Imagine my frustration....and my utter disgust at myself. So horrid was it, that I have not been eating and sleeping well because the incident keeps haunting me....my brain then grudgingly wakes me up at the wee hours of the morning just to remind me what a failure I am....insisting to bring up flashback after flashback of what I did wrong.

And with that...the dark cloud forms...the rain of tears flowing at the weirdest times....while working, or eating or just plain reading a book. Depression follows next and then my infamous anorexic phase (if it could occur...haha love food too much) or I think recently would be a spur of binge eating. However, how is it that we fail to see what is the real root of the problem?

Most days, I would blame God. Even this time...I question whether He really loved me as I still failed my driving exam even after praying and believing. And surprisingly, even got Mr. BF to pray for me...and that is an amazing feat. Somehow, something went wrong....and the faith did not turn into victory. And I was angry and disappointed with God. Then, Mr. BF said a real stunner...."God has a plan. Maybe He is just testing your faith". Well, I might not know His divine plan....but He did show me....that I must learn to let go.

Having too many "what if" and killing myself over small issues will not help me grow.....so I am learning...God I am...trying at least...teach me!!!

posted by Orion @ 6:24 PM