Down low...There comes a moment in time when your Cloud Nine crashes to the ground. And that you are there sitting picking up the pieces. Most of the time we see it as, that love life or coupling pack. But for me...all I ever done good in my life...was study hard & dream. And when something that I so lovingly picked in the beginning of the year breaks my heart and dashes my dreams...I do not know if I should kneel in the shards of glass....bleed and hurt...to pick it up and slowly but surely glue them back together with a extremely-too-small glue gun.
As I sit there doing that, I am sure that the shards of glass will cut my hands and fingers...and the longer I try to fix it, the larger the cuts become and the deeper the pain will be. However, I know and my dad knows this well, that I set myself up for this. My dad always says slightly sad & puzzled, "Out of my three smart children, you are the only one who seems to choose the hardest path in life. And I still do not know why!" ---> i.e. I picked this stupid subject I am gonna fail in
I myself do not know why I make the hardest and most difficult choices in life. Maybe I am bad at decision making, or maybe I am just a disaster in the making. But I am sorry for making you worry. It is hard for me too...to have to struggle and pick myself up after so many constant but sure to come falls. I wish one day God would give me the wisdom to choose wisely but somehow I just don't listen to him.
However, even so, I am glad He gave me my own Datuk K as a shoulder to cry on. It is a difficult time for me now....struggling to pass a unit,my favourite unit and I miss my friends. I miss people to talk to and hug me and who could understand me. I miss u Vini. And I cant talk to Anabel cuz she sees me as competition in the class...i.e. Kiasu? Beb has enough problems of her own and Mag has much to be joyful about her wedding than be depressed bout my sorrows. So all I have now is my man. God seems to be ignoring me now some how...I am hurting Him with what I do...loving a man who doesn't love Him.
But did I not already mention it, I seem to choose the most difficult path in life. Maybe I learn more this way? Maybe its punishment?
For now...I do not know. For now...I am glad I am still breathing. For now...I will continue picking up those shards of glass and slowly, even if it takes forever, piece it back together. So, even if I will fail, I will try my best to pass. Even if I have no hope, I will at least make an effort. Because...that's what being an ALPHA FEMALE is....struggling on...fighting on...til there is nothing left to push you forward....