Epistle of the stars!

Resentment or jealousy?

My emotions are in a dilemma. I am blinded by an overwhelming flood of feelings especially discontentment and anger. But, sadly or maybe gladly, I do not know what is the cause of it.

I am ashamed to say...that as I read the job title of a friend of mine who does admin and of cuz manage us small people as a MANAGER...I felt a stab in my heart. A resentment that she is doing better than me while I am slogging through these years or that I am jealous that she has gotten the job easily and is thriving in it while I am still struggling to even make the first move to apply for a job.

What do you think is wrong with me? I am distraught to know I am such a horrible friend. Do you think so?

I am just going thru so much in life that I feel why is it that my success rate is NIL at the moment. I am jobless and still struggling to make ends meet...paycheck to paycheck and praying. My boyfriend who is the manager of my other job...CUTS hours off me and this job doing data entry is literally giving me the SHITS. I am sick of such low end stupid unchallenging jobs. But all the other jobs that I applied for is coming back unanswered.

Am I doing something wrong? As my self-esteem plummet in a world of white people that constantly remind me how I do not deserve to be here, I find myself somewhat depressed or walking on egg shells all day.....

I remember Annabel telling me of such feelings that resemble this, I could never truly understand it til now I guess. But I know her reaction (which brings a smile to my face) now would always be..."SUCK IT UP GIRL..THAT'S LIFE!" I always admired her strength and endurance. Me, I am just a little more slack...*smile*

posted by Orion @ 9:01 AM