Epistle of the stars!

Health scares...

2011-08-12T10:29:00.003+08:00

In the past 6 months I have been hospitalized, gone through several medical procedures so expensive it bombed our bank account and been poked and prodded for blood that I was milked like a cow for the last few drops.

I thank God everyday that it is not cancer and that no matter what results always came back fairly positive. You never believe it when people tell you that your emotions do govern your physical health. With the recent downturn in my life, I have been super stressed with living with my in-laws and sister-in-law who has a witch hunt on me, trying to make sure our house is built upright...and not cause a scene at my workplace while I was being bullied and harassed...all in all...while trying to fight with my ever-emotionally-dead hubby in a tiny bedroom.

As I sit here hooked up to a blood pressure monitor that robed me of my freedom to drive, move around to pull my bra strap off my shoulder and sleep a good night's sleep, I thank God that its not something incurable. I thank God despite it all...I still have my health...slightly a bit battered by a jack of all trades. As I read a story of a strong man fighting testicular cancer, I thank God for his blessed recovery so that he can tell us his journey while silently praying for those still fighting the battle.

It has not been easy and never comfortable. Medical tests are angels sent by God in boxes of humiliation, discomfort and fear such as being pumped with a dye that makes you pee in your pants. But even so...after bruises, sleepless nights and swollen eyes from constant crying....I have been blessed with positive results each time.

So I thank God :-

1. For my emotionally-retarded husband who teaches me that you can switch off your brain & seems to know how to laugh/giggle each time I am prodded, poked, hooked up & doing some crazy procedure

2. For my naggy-health conscious mother who thinks that raw vegetable & fruit juices cures everything
3. For my control-freak dad that makes sure that I understand the importance of exercise (PS - He is also the one who I inherited the stress genes from)

Be it that I have another session of results next Friday, and maybe I am not so lucky or maybe this time I might be just as blessed. Either way, I can't sit around for another health scare cuz 3 lessons is enough to drum it in my head that there is something I need to learn.

So, say hello to a stress-free(attempt anyway) Erin. Because I don't think I can survive years of being hooked up to a machine that pumps air into a band around your arms...squeezing it so hard that your fingers go numb!

Being an over-thinker...

2011-07-22T12:41:00.004+08:00

Mens' brains don't work any more than they have to. They are the best at thinking about 'NOTHING'.

Women are even better at squeezing all the juices out of the brain til it turns sour. I hate being an over-thinker but it is also the only reason how I can run 20 million company projects with just a list and not often forgetting deadlines.

Unfortunately, my brain never rests and when I am worried...I never sleep.

I also have the ability to conjure up 10 of the most negative scenarios from one single sentence or a 5 second snippet of a conversation.

It is a curse! A never-ending curse...til I grow old and develop dementia. And even then, there is no guarantee I won't stop thinking I am Bill Gates or married to a 24 year old millionaire :)

Note the above! Skipping from one train of thought to another. It does not flow...right?

And men laugh at how ridiculous over-thinkers like I torture ourselves with the possibilities and endless "ifs" in life. But for me...I have no idea how to shut my mind off. So we over-thinkers sit and stir and ponder and fret while all the life gets sucked out of us. Because we spend so much of our energy thinking we have nothing left for growing and getting better.

So this weekend I am enrolling into cooking school. So that I can start using my hands and stop thinking so much....and maybe through this I can find myself in that dream life and dream job...and be so tired working with my hands...MY BRAIN STOPS GOING CRAZY!

Dear God...

2011-06-20T21:15:00.004+08:00

Dear God,

You need to stop sending all these clones of unmentionable name (Mr. S.A. Tan) to me. I can take one. But to have one in the family too.....really gets me to the core of my bones.

We, normals, can't constantly fight battles. Our human body is not made like that. We can't rise from the dead like Jesus did. It was cool & all...but I don't remember you passing me that power.

It's bad enough we need to love our body and resist all wonderfully man-made wonders such as chocolate and ice cream. Then we need to love others, even tho they are mean to you. Then, after all of that, you make sure I can't even have those comfort food like cheese and M&Ms. I protest that I have been made flawed or essentially my soul has been chucked in a faulty body. I was meant for that hot blonde blue eyed size 6 body I see walking down the street eating chocolate croissants for breakfast and still rock that tight mini skirt.

So, please, give me a sign. Please give me something good....drop down the recipe for slimming chocolate cupcakes.....or a way to end suffering that does not get me in hell. So maybe, just a trump card, to call upon lighting to strike anyone who has no sense to fear the tiny friend of the Almighty God.

Cuz seriously, karma is a coming too long. Need something now.....

Do they sell vanishing powder in Bunnings? Would be nice to make some horrid stuff go away!

I love you God. Please answer soon. I mean it! I am desperado....

Amen

PS - Picture came from some other blog (Credits to :http://trollcats.com)

Releasing my dream into the universe....

2011-06-13T11:42:00.004+08:00

I have been totally inspired by Melissa at Dear Baby. As I read her words, I feel a stirring deep down inside.

Ps Brian Houston from Hillsong Church talked about how when God has instilled a dream into your heart...when you are near it or within the opportunity, you feel a strong pull towards it. You feel it kick in your soul like a kick from a baby in the womb ready for birth.

Today, I felt this....

A karate chop in my soul when I read Melissa's blog post. I always wanted to be a writer. The only reason I endure journalism for the many years in university was the passion to one day write to inspire and touch people. But then, one mean old geezer of a lecturer, managed to pop my bubble...

Moving from Malaysia to Australia was not only a cultural shock but a shock in my belief system. I was proud and confident that I was smart. Then, I walked into an Aussie journalism class....and realized that I was behind by several centuries. I never wrote a real paper-published article before, never seen a news room before, and never ever contacted some snotty politician for his opinion. I was struggling and my confidence in myself dropped so low I stopped talking in class. One day, a compulsory rounds on a case study on the board forced my stapled shut lips to utter the few words of doom...as the sun dried man before me(teacher & holder of all journalistic knowledge) loomed impatiently. He wanted my opinion on the case study, I gave it in a meek tone and I saw in slow motion....the change in his features. Surprise then disgust. I watched his face burst into flames as he screamed at me for being so stupid!

Here I was in a first world country.....advanced in all ways of civil rights...but I heard the snickers behind me as they watched the only Asian student in their class get in trouble. It was then I knew I was different. Skin colour does make a difference...cause that skin colour also means a different educational background. Barely scrapping through that class...I saw myself begging the head lecturer to let me pass. Thank God...I did. But only with wounded pride, for the only reason I passed was because the head journalism lecturer took pity on the crying Asian girl that got screamed at. (PS - She just gave birth...so woo hooo for hormones!)

So I put my dream in a box and let it flow down the River of Regret.

By the way, don't take pity on me! There is so much advantages to being Asian here...

1. Tiger Moms are the bomb. You never appreciate the nagging til you stop getting them!

2. We have BIG dreams & push ourselves hard

3. We are tiny...and can squeeze through crowds

4. Being short seems to be a novelty.....if you're thick skin enough to take the jokes

5. We know Credit Cards are evil(so we don't have any debt before the age of 25)

6. Saving money is a habit...not a everyday struggle

Going through all this...makes you tough! Tough enough to want that dream to come true....and make it come true.

The meek me...

2011-06-03T08:01:00.005+08:00

A before and after person emerges after a trauma or a big change in life. You are never the same again!

The before me...was aggressive, motivated, not afraid of anything but flying cockroaches.

The after me....is still motivated, wants everything in life but somehow turned into a meek lamb of submission & is afraid of mean people.

So what happens now? How can a person want everything in life but is too afraid to stand up for themselves?

But the bible below quotes :-

I am so confused....can someone help? Dear God please? *silence resounds*

Must be a tad too early...I will ring again in a few hours.

Missing in action....

2011-06-01T10:34:00.005+08:00

Who would have thought that the last post was more than a year ago?

Marriage has certainly changed me. My imagination has been striped off me like the ripped shirt by a man in heat, my creativity sucked dry like every drop of delicious popsicle on a super hot summer day and my life in a white & black film of tears and depression and some good days.

But I am determined that this year should be different....this year I will have one of my lists and actually tick some stuff off. Because this year, I have a bigger picture. I know I want to leave a legend behind...I want to be the one that friends tell stories about. And if not, I want to be the one that is the envy of at least one unspeakable soul out there. And most of all, I want to be a fun mum...when the day comes.

So, today, I start my dream again. I start writing again. I start pumping the juices...squeezing water out of the make shift rocks in my brain. Because I know it doesn't take a miracle to change your life but baby steps into a different direction.

Baby Step 1 :-

HBF Run for a Reason

While every other of the 8000 participants ran for a charity, I ran for myself...my changed future. And I told myself I could do it all...and I know I can. The 5 weeks before were strapped with training and getting new Asics trainers. Running every chance I get...which is not often enough. I get my darling hubby to walk a few paces in front with his extremely long legs while I, like a chihuahua, runs to catch up. Soon, the little short legs, overtake the great stride of a white man and I feel triumphant for a second...a GREAT feeling for all the short-legged mankind!

BEST THING I DID - I did it on a whim...I paid for the fees before I could even back out. There was no turning back especially when the Asian in me knew I could not waste $40 bucks without at least getting something out of it. The adrenalin was addictive, lining up for miles at each stage (blue flushing toilets, bus rides & finding your starting point) made my heart quicken in pace in excitement and waiting for the gun fire to start with the cameras rolling made the first 5 minutes of the race all the rage. After that, as motivation lessen and the frozen finger & aching sides get to you, that's when you need to push on and have a clear mind. Sadly, it didn't work for me....I kept thinking how fun this would be if I had a partner in crime running beside me. So I walked then ran then walked and cursed then ran some more. After 36 minutes I was at the finishing line.....I made it! After all that cursing, wind burnt face & frustrating lines...I am guaranteed to do it again! BRING IT ON!

Baby Step 2 :-

I learned not to stress. Catered for 100 people in an event and for once...did not endure a sleepless night, only lashed out at my partner once & even took a step back 1 hour before the event to take a breather. This is a far cry from the lady who once cried, stressed, moaned & groaned plus stayed up all night before a driving test!

SO...

Cheers to a new 'me' and a 2011 filled with more "You can have it all!" moments!

Do you really know yourself?

2010-05-20T12:55:00.002+08:00

Its only been a mere 26 days since the big day of change. But that day was nothing...compared to what seemed to have happened since then.

The one big day of happiness masked the many more important things that seems to have been forgotten to be addressed. A lot of brides feel lost after a wedding cuz they got nothing else to focus on...to plan for...to look forward to.

But for me, the wedding day was not a goal...a big event...but just a progression of time & day.

Sadly, today, after 2 whole days of crying and being bedridden it is not so much of a marathon of tasks but a tsunami of thoughts.

Within 26 days, I lost the trust and confidence I had in people around me. Most of the time I blame myself. Other times, I blame them. All because every single one of them...including my husband...believes that honesty is not the best policy and hiding/keeping secrets from me is easier that being open & truthful.

But when 3 people, the people one is supposed to depend on...to love....to grow old together.... decides deliberately to break your heart in 10 million pieces. All within the span of 3 days. You start to wonder!

"Is it me? Am I choosing the wrong people in my life? Is it me who causes them to act this way?"

And then you start thinking and analyzing. And then you conclude, maybe you don't know yourself that well. That you pick people in your life that is not compatible for you. You start to doubt that all that effort you put in...all that emotion....was because you had this false facade of yourself. That it was not a true indication of who I am but who I wanted to become (and am not!).

On Tuesday, when I was at a seminar, they say that successful driven people hang out with equally driven people. It kind of hit home base when the people who continue to touch my life are as driven...but the people now that I have chosen at this point to surround me is not as much. Is it my fault? Did I dream myself into a nightmare?

So, today, I am determined! I am to take a personality test and get to know myself better. From there, maybe I will decide.......I just hope it is not too late!

I get to have sex & tell everyone about it....

2010-05-04T12:52:00.004+08:00

I think the only upside to marriage is being able to have sex and not have it feel like taboo. Lying in bed with a very sexy man still freaks me out....it feels weird...esp when you know everyone (ie your Pastor, parents and grandparents) knows you are doing it. It is like a secret let loose and you can't stop it! I think this is due to the many years of strict Christian upbringing where even the word sex is as disgusting as a Satanic bible.

So the wedding day, what can I say, everything was NOT a dream. Many things went wrong and boy it was nowhere near perfect. BUT it was the most amazing day ever. Let me tell you of the beautiful things that made that day a dream :-

1. My best friend drying my hair the night before while we laugh over crazy jokes
2. Having people from all around the world fly in just to tell you 'Congratulations'
3. Your best friends and family members not faint from seeing your fat rolls from undressing and getting into the blessed white dress...instead they focus on trying to stop themselves from shedding a tear at how beautiful they said I looked
4. Seeing that I can still shed a tear & ruin my make-up when I hear my now 2 years seasoned man sing 'our' song
5. My dad grin non stop for 8 hours
6. The limo driver that saved me from humiliation....yes she was kind enough to make sure my garter did not hang at my ankles as I walked down the aisle.
7. My first married couple kiss still caused sparks
8. I had fun walking back down the aisle....and everyone breaking out into a grin when they heard the song..."Love is in the air"
9. No one starved at the reception and neither did I
10. I did not trip over my dress dancing my first dance
11. We got upgraded to an executive suite...WEE HEEEEE

And best of all.....the people I love was there to see me marry the man I love.....

For those who couldn't be there, I missed you and hey...you were almost there from the amount of pictures on FB hey.....

Books......oh my lovely books!

2010-03-31T07:39:00.003+08:00

When Carrie Bradshaw from the Sex & the City movie qouted in bed about the wonderous smell of library books, I almost gagged and thought what a pretentious line. Don't get me wrong...I love Sex & the City.....the endless episodes I drag my hubby-to-be through is enough to immasculate him. Just that, if you really smelt the library books, they were musty, stinky and sometimes like it sat in a pile of urine for a while and allowed to dry and put back on the shelf.

But everytime I had a bad day at work, the one place that cheers me up without having to fork out millions for a spider soft shell crab maki sushi was the library. I would come out of the library carting a load of books tall enough to block my view. But I am always happy....or happier than when I walked in.

Working life is getting really tough on me. Be it my first full time job, I am finding the stress a bit hard to handle. AND hey...with a wedding on the way...who can blame me right? WRONG! Those are all excuses. So I decided, an extra day in Brisbane to relax and do whatever I want....plus I am digging into wedding funds to do it. So there! If you see a small centrepiece or a lack of chairs...it is because I needed to keep my sanity....

If miracles won't happen...I will make them happen!!!

New Years Resolution

2010-02-20T14:30:00.002+08:00

I was skeptical at first...but I think this is the best way... I am posting my New Year's Resolutions here...so that I am kept accountable...Okie dokie? I think that is how it works anyway. If I don't do them, you can give me crap about it k.....

Health
1. Lose 10 kgs
2. Eat healthy
3. Run marathon
4. Drink warm tea & water (no more sugared drinks)
5. No snacks in house (occasional once a month taste)
6. Lead a healthy lifestyle

Business
1. Start up at least one business
2. Write two business plans
3. Start baking again and making the cupcakes for sale

Finance
1. Return John’s money
2. Put money into a gold/shares investment
3. Down payment on our own house

Self-development
1. Buy tickets to Europe for 2011 holiday
2. Learn French
3. Learn Japanese
4. Brush up on Cantonese
5. Read ONE business/self development book a month
6. Network
7. Make an effort to get new friends
8. Have a small gathering every 2 months

I know its Feb...but hey I have always been slow hey....!!!! Have a great year!!!!

Being shy!!!

2010-02-16T12:00:00.002+08:00

I never thought of myself as a shy person. But it takes 10 false starts and 1 hour for me to actually say "Hi!" to a stranger...I now know I am.

A recent conversation I had with a friend, she told me that she got sick of being a shy teenager so she just got out of it. Her exact words were;

"I used to be shy then I decided that sucks. life is a lot more fun now, I'll tell you that much. Now I still get to be a nerd - with studies and all - but I am a FUN nerd!"

For me, I still remember the day when I started being shy. I used to be naive and fun and a tad annoying. So outspoken that a guy who has barely known me for 3 days suddenly developed aggression towards me. And boy this was a church camp...so it was super weird!

After this escalated to become tremendously obvious, the church camp leaders had to stop all events for the day to mediate this. And the funny thing was...he admitted...he only spoke to me twice but just the image of me in the background was enough to annoy him. We apologized to each other, promise to make nice and the camp continued.

However, from that day onwards, the moment he uttered, "It is not you...it is me! I just can't take outgoing people" I stopped being outgoing. I decided being quiet was better. And til this day...I think I might just regret it........

Welcome to 2010!

2010-01-01T00:08:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

A sleepless night and the tip tap of a laptop and fireworks booming in the distance. For many a year, just like today, this day has just been another day...like any other. A dinner of meat, veges and a side of mac & cheese. A basket full of laundry awaiting to be hung. A night cap of Boston Legal playing on my lappie. The coming of the new year is seldom celebrated never enjoyed never acknowledged. It just passes by. But one tradition I always acknowledged were the resolutions I have made for the year.

As 2009 comes to a close, I smile at the small ticks beside each resolution made from the previous year. I giggle at the resolutions untouched or unfinished. Either way I smile...because my future smells of new resolutions, real Aussie steaks and a 6 foot tall white man radiating love. It also makes me think of the past, present and future to come.

I get a tiny bit frustrated....somewhat amused at certain things I have found out in the previous few days sifting through old photos. Some people find it easier to detach their past from their present...somewhat ashamed of it. It brings me back to a conversation I had with an old friend; how he buried photos of his ex-girlfriend because she is of the past.

But to me...the past is proof of the present. The current success be it at being smarter, more beautiful, more successful. I always believed that you would not be who you are today without the every snapshot of the past's milestones that brought you to today's stop.

But that is just me....!!! Maybe I am just the hopeless romantic who loves the history of the past or just an emotional old fool on New Year's Day. Either way...I thank God for every embarrassing, silly and unwanted photo taken because it shows that I HAVE LIVED!

Cheers! To more snapshots to untag, giggle at and scream for.....Let's live!

Recreating Msia....

2009-10-12T19:56:00.004+08:00

I miss Malaysian food very much. My heaven on earth is the Asian shops run by rich Chinese family members....the older ones barely speaking English and the younger generation speaking with an Aussie accent. It is amazing and mysterious at the same time...and devoid of whites walking around. The only whites you do see in there...rarely...is obviously married to an Asian who craves durian, fish keropok and pickled mango.

Malaysians love food. Being a Malaysian in Perth is torture. You pay $8-$12 bucks for a plate of char keuy teow. So depressing. You can't get a genuinely good tasting hokkien noodles KL style. But the worst of all is I miss my Ramly burgers. It is hard enough to find a good one in Malaysia...but one in Perth. Dream on! Took me 2.5years to discover hawker style food here....which each visit is worth $50 bucks. *scream*

Anyway, in the next few days, I will try to re-create Ramly burgers Aussie style...my darling hubby is practically drooling awaiting it. Baked beans, cheese, succulent beef burger patties, lettuce and buttered burger buns...YUM! Wonder how these whiteys would take to it...will post pics soon...

Weird coincidence...!!

2009-10-05T20:44:00.003+08:00

It has been a weird week. Graduating, bringing my family around, catching up with a high school friend and her brand new graduated bf and watching life just pass by me in motion. I have been feeling slightly down since my beloved mother and brother walked on the plane off back to the beloved land of 'char kuey teow' & 'curry mee'. Never missed family as much as today.

Time just seem to swoosh by. We sometimes keep forgetting to celebrate the small things and the big things. I have been so busy working I even forgot to congratulate myself for slogging through a 2 year masters and working 7 days a week to somehow pay for it.

Then I received a e-card from my sister which almost brought me to tears in while trying to shove indo mee into my mouth. Telling me about how my hard work is hopefully an inspiration for her to finish her medical degree. How can we compare...a measly boring masters by coursework and the goal of saving lives. Not comparable what-so-ever yet today she makes me her inspiration.

Even on graduation day, my proud beaming husband-to-be, who can't seem to stop kissing me proudly on the forehead, brought new meaning to the day. As I stare at the double chin so evident on my graduation photos, for once I am not mocking myself for putting on weight and being so super duper ugly, I am thanking God for the wonderful family who supported me through it all...and my silly hubby who stayed up with me past his bedtime so that I would have company finishing my assignment.

Ironically today....my affirmation talks about....

October 5, 2009

I witness God’s beauty everywhere

Recognizing beauty in everything and knowing that God is the very essence of this beauty, I include myself, my personality, my individuality, my whole being in this beauty.

I am some part of an infinite harmony, an all-encompassing loveliness, a universal flow of warmth and color and givingness.

In this infinite warmth and color I live and have my being. Beauty flows through every act, its charm and grace manifest in every movement, in every thought, imparting itself in love to everyone I meet.

Today I see this beauty in others—the charm, the grace, the presence of the living Spirit.

Because today, I finally opened my eyes wide enough to see the wonders and beauty He put in my life and sobbed as I thanked him driving home singing to the radio, "There is None like You".

Super upset!!

2009-09-22T19:08:00.009+08:00

My hubby and I have been looking at property to rent or buy. As we look around, a dark cloud settles above our heads. Our mood really dampens when all the pretty, nice, so US houses are not affordable.

As we look in a area...and see beautiful houses that we think is affordable...like a character home...quite old but in a good location...it costs almost 1mil AUSSIE DOLLARS to purchase....by gosh...then we see another sweet looking home....not that grand but looks affordable.....we look it up and it is SOLD.

Never before in my 24 years have I even thought I would get upset over something like this. I used to dream of growing up...worrying about getting a boyfriend, getting married, getting a job, having kids, setting up my business and crap along that line.....(yes yes I know I am a worrier! -sigh- )

Here I am staring at an Acton online ad for the house I saw...which I was not entirely fond of...but thought, "Hey I'll just check out the price!" then saw the SOLD sign yet still clicked on the pictures of the house. Then start cursing under my breath at the new owners of the house that beat me to it...NOT EVEN knowing how much they paid for it.......Talk bout KIASU

What have I turned into? A domesticated wifey? Gosh...how times change doesn't it.

Gladly, I am not that insane yet. We will just pray that God sends us the right house at the right time at the right price. I.E. for now we rent!!!! YEE HEEEEEEE....

Nothing wrong with that right? Phobia be gone....!!!! Amen

On the other hand, I am so excited about being married in April that I started calling myself a Ms. rather than then the usual Miss. The company just got me to apply for a new credit card and I whole-heartedly decided I would like to be a Ms on the card. Not to avoid people hitting on me (Gosh I will be extremely flattered but I know that I am that hot), but that it was just one indication that I am not a 14 year old kid. Here, in Aus, it is embarrassing for me to shoe shop. With a size 4 shoe size in Msia that actually converts to a size 3-4 kids in Aussie land...I try to find every way possible to make myself feel older and less like a kid....

Do you know there was a day I was at PayLess shoes...and they were having a sale...and I had to fight for shoes with a 11 year old girl who was also taller than me!!!ARGH! She won!! Her mom was scary...So no fair. Hmph~

Vanished...

2009-09-02T04:07:00.002+08:00

I fell off the face of the earth. I got engulfed by a load of work related earth quakes. But now I am back...because it is 4:09 am...my stomach is grumbling and all I can think about is how to foster good relationships with other staff.

What happens to the brain after you turn 24? They should have warned me of this...BEWARE OF REACHING AGE 24: MIGHT CAUSE BRAIN DEAD-NESS & KILL JOY ATTITUDES. Wonder when was the last time I had fun.....I can't remember.

To celebrate my birthday, domesticated me decided it would be fun to go to Ikea....and educate my Ikea-virgin husband. Very wrong move! First thing he said when we walked into the showroom....followed from a long silence of wow was...."Dad can make this!" (WHAT??? Shake head in disbelief). Don't get me wrong...this is not a case of how talented my future father-in-law is. It is how insanely easy he thinks this is. F.I.L is a fire fighter and ranger for the local shire...he barely has time to fix up the backyard for his darling wife....why would he have the time to make his son & wife..A BED?

As we reach the end to pay for our many purchases for a non-existent house...he says the ultimate Ikea shopaholic phrase, " When we do get our own house, you bet-cha we gonna spend fortunes here". I almost wet myself in public from shock.

Tantrums and reality...

2009-05-04T16:07:00.003+08:00

Mortgage loans, debt reconciliation, joint accounts, credit checks....the list goes on.

The endless list of growing up causes my heart to beat faster, my palms to grow sweaty and my head to pound painfully.

No wonder Vanessa told me to prolong the happy dating times. Less stress less worries.

But this is all part of growing up. I can't be shielded no longer.

A proposal doesn't mean a white wedding and happy days and just a commitment to another person. A marriage means a commitment to each other (to a man with tremendous debt and it becomes your problem too) to a commitment to the future (a house and stability and a full time job).

The last few weeks since the engagement has been filled with countless days in front of our money stash (or more like my money stash) and bank accounts trying to figure out money plans for the next year. All which includes a big loads of things to pay...and credit card-ing it is NOT...I repeat people...NOT an option.

Because buying a house option has no credit card tick box.

Sigh. Anyway, where were those days when young people could get married and live their lives happily without the stress of mortgages and fancy weddings.

Where are those care-free yesteryears?

By the way, how come no one ever told me weddings cost so much? Wait...or did you guys tell me and I didn't listen again? Sorry.....*blush*

Of books and rings....

2009-04-28T17:12:00.002+08:00

He passed me a gold wrapped present, smiling so ever sheepishly.

He said, "Open it!" excitedly but reminded me several times to be cautious with it.

I was getting annoyed by his constant reminders, "Be careful!Be careful!" screamed right into my ears. If only men could be more like women...akkaka...but then again the world would be less fun that way.

I carefully unhooked the tape's grip off the wrapping paper as he looked on anxiously...urging me with his eyes to hurry up.

After several moments of held breaths, I finally reveal the present. It was my favourite book....The Time Traveller's Wife. The one I had lost and did not have the heart to buy another.

Here it was in my hand again. I was utterly happy. But the surprise did not end there.

Like a kid about to burst out of his seams of obedience, he almost squeals in delight, "Open it to the first page. HURRY!"

I turn the page...and a shiny object catches my eye. A ring, with a delicate diamond fitted on it.

The words read..."Will you do me the honour of being my wife?"

I turn and smile and said.....

NO.

His disappointed look and shocked gasp was too devastating for such a weak heart like mine.

I giggled and said...YES!

Of veils and rings...

2009-03-27T20:27:00.004+09:00

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

"Something old" symbolizes continuity with the bride's family and the past. "Something new" means optimism and hope for the bride's new life ahead. "Something borrowed" is usually an item from a happily married friend or family member, whose good fortune in marriage is supposed to carry over to the new bride. The borrowed item also reminds the bride that she can depend on her friends and family. "Something blue" is the symbol of faithfulness and loyalty.
Source: http://ask.yahoo.com/20031027.html

A tradition worthwhile carrying on...as you read many things out there...friends get taken forgranted as the wedding band is slipped onto the finger.

Because as we all know...the wedding day is about them...not you.

So, a bridemaid's job is as many say the most challenging ever...
1. Bridal magazine galore
2. Venue seeking and emailing and contacting
3. Bridesmaid's dress
4. Wax, pluck, hair do and dress up the day before
5. Make-up and early morning
6. Driver to family and friends while trying not to ram into another car manuvering the uncomfortable dress
7. At the receiving end of snapping and angry remarks
8. Running after a large dress

But it doesn't end there...

There is the holding the dress up to help her pee.....and even helping her dress in the morning and seeing things you just don't want to see at 7am in the morning.

Things no one else sees and no one else realises. A job much more than its mere description.

However, you see your friend's best day and get a nice little thank you card.

Ever felt so loved? You answer that for me.....

I'm cupid!?

2009-03-09T16:15:00.006+09:00

I think I am starting to write bullshit all over again. Going back to uni makes your brain mushy and unusable.

Having been there watching two couples from their first meeting/date to walking down an aisle is a termendously wonderful thing. I think anyway.

The first one...I cried tears watching their wedding video and held back the sobs as I told her she looked beautiful in her gown. My best friend....meeting this handsome man in a bar then falling in love so wonderfully.

The second one...I remember the hilarious laughing I was doing when I met him for the first time. I knew him from somewhere else. But apparently blind dates do end up in wedding bells. Well, they havent walked down the aisle yet but 3 weeks down the track they will with another 2 weddings on the way.

These two people have been able to be together despite all the odds....despite all the myths your mother tells you on where NOT to meet men...blind dates and pubs.....so the only one common factor is....ME?

Is this the reason why I have so few friends? Cuz I cupid them into commitment and coupledom?

Haha...oh well....you know who is next then right......

But then again I might be wrong....just too much dreaming.....or meeting people just at the right times.....or perhaps I was cupid in another life time.....

We will never know.....

When is the age?

2009-03-02T09:42:00.002+09:00

When was it the proper age to settle down?

My grandma's time would most probably be that...by my age I would be married to a nice Chinese man loaded up with 4-10 kids.

My mom's time...more liberal.....careers came first....so by my age I would be still single or just married. Tho I must say, being single at her time at my age would be horrendous...all the "lou ku poh" (read: old maid) sneers would really wreck my nerves.

Now, this time and age...as extreme as everything is...so is the settling age. Young lovers marrying at age 18 to busy,i-have-no-time-for-such-things women losing their virginity at 40 to their first loves. Regardless of which way it goes, no one cares which age you get married...or if you ever do....except the oldies from you previous generation. The mom who is worried you would get old alone. The dad who thinks you need someone to protect you. Or the grandma who thinks you are ferrocious for dragging in a different man each family dinner party. But all this nagging so far has not dampened the free spirit of choice.

Me? Watching one wedding in progress scares the living begivies out of me. All the hassle just to tie the knot? Way over my league. Tho I would say it would be a fun career move as a wedding planner but the prospects of it too hard to comprehend.

However, at the end, we will never know til we arrive there...right?

To be or not to be...AGGRESIVE!

2009-02-23T16:17:00.005+09:00

Today....

I faint! I cry! I kill!

Because I am having a bad day. Because I have to go to court.

But then things started looking up as I drove the dangerous route of unstable minds and I start to chant to myself..."Focus on God and not my problems!"

At first it did not work as I swerved left and right missing the countless cars I was not paying attention to. But then, as I walked the endless mile of shame to ask for desperate help...God shined his light on a man named Andrew. Who decided to help willingly, for free...every step of the way...

Thank you God!!!

It has been hard but I am on my way to recovery.....

On to other more exciting things in my life...I started classes today and my lecturer was a short Asian gal who is overly aggresive...on her first day of lessons I already know she is partial towards beer, have only ONE bf and swears like a sailor...her first words today?"Shit!"

And the funniest thought was...I want to be her friend, and that I truly aspire to be her!! The crying frenzy just hours before seem to disagree with such thoughts but my mind just reeled with glee at the thought of being so......AGGRESIVE......

Have I finally turned insane?

Life challanges & Phantom

2009-02-19T16:17:00.004+09:00

There are times where our lives seems stricken with too many challenges. This year has been so for me...with stresses eroding my mind with worry day in and day out. So horrid that not sleeping has become a known side effect from it.

And I pray each day that God would stop this continuous pain and suffering. That maybe He doesn't love me anymore. And I wish for strength of people esp those who are working (which apparently working lives gives them the armour to fight such battles) to just disregard all that is happening and just move on. What is it about the working life that makes them not bother, not care, to judge what is important and to only aim for those and say "to hell with things not so important". I envy them yet feel that I am my worst enemy at such situations.

So I try hard to stop worrying...to have more time for things that make me happy rather than dwell on the facts of life unchanged...that "S*@$ happens!"

So, I think of wonderful things like....

Yes....Phantom of the Opera on Valentine's Day where I was able to be mesmerized by the ever so handsome Anthony Warlow. And his voice is absolutely divine...worth the hundred plus paid for it. Tho, I gotta say, the Burswood Theatre sells the most expensive of snacks...8 bucks for a beer....goodness.....

And for someone who hasn't seen a show in Perth before..I was absolutely stunned.....glued to the end of my seat, almost crying when they sang Think of Me. I am such a sucker for romance......!!!!

And, YES, the fact that someone actually wants to marry me.....*gush*

--------------------------------------- || -------------------------------------------

And just when I think things are too bad...I get this e-mail from Gloria who touches my heart...that hits me at the core....

"And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others." -Rick Warren-

The only words to help me stand up again...Thank you God

I never thought...

2009-01-25T22:05:00.003+09:00

You know that moment of time where you have the high of something good about to happen. I remember those moments the most...because it usually follows with the big crash of disappointment. Rejection never seem to get easier to accept even when it repeats itself ten million times.

I can remember how everyone keeps reminding me to not get too excited about something and not to put too much hope in something. Why is it I seem to never listen?

Do you think I actually like torturing myself like that? or is it the little kid in me that won't give up on the notion that hope brings about great happiness and most of the time....the one thing you have been praying for?

So, is it wrong to put too much hope? Is it wrong that even when the crash hurts the little consoling kiss on the forehead or an ice cream to cheer me up always does the trick?

Isn't that the wonderful thing about life...or maybe its just my excuse...*wink*

Foreigner hate....

2009-01-08T22:03:00.002+09:00

I starting to hate being here...

The housing agents suck...

People treat those with brown skin like shit.....

And its forever an endless battle to prove your worth of standing on their ground.....

WHEN DOES IT END? ...the supposed global world.....

Resentment or jealousy?

2008-12-02T09:01:00.003+09:00

My emotions are in a dilemma. I am blinded by an overwhelming flood of feelings especially discontentment and anger. But, sadly or maybe gladly, I do not know what is the cause of it.

I am ashamed to say...that as I read the job title of a friend of mine who does admin and of cuz manage us small people as a MANAGER...I felt a stab in my heart. A resentment that she is doing better than me while I am slogging through these years or that I am jealous that she has gotten the job easily and is thriving in it while I am still struggling to even make the first move to apply for a job.

What do you think is wrong with me? I am distraught to know I am such a horrible friend. Do you think so?

I am just going thru so much in life that I feel why is it that my success rate is NIL at the moment. I am jobless and still struggling to make ends meet...paycheck to paycheck and praying. My boyfriend who is the manager of my other job...CUTS hours off me and this job doing data entry is literally giving me the SHITS. I am sick of such low end stupid unchallenging jobs. But all the other jobs that I applied for is coming back unanswered.

Am I doing something wrong? As my self-esteem plummet in a world of white people that constantly remind me how I do not deserve to be here, I find myself somewhat depressed or walking on egg shells all day.....

I remember Annabel telling me of such feelings that resemble this, I could never truly understand it til now I guess. But I know her reaction (which brings a smile to my face) now would always be..."SUCK IT UP GIRL..THAT'S LIFE!" I always admired her strength and endurance. Me, I am just a little more slack...*smile*

Dental surgery...

2008-11-17T20:48:00.002+09:00

I am not one who is much in a public hospital. I have been pampered by private medical care as being in a country with such a large population and only one public hospital...the lines are too long for those who can afford it. I have been blessed to afford private care and to be honest it has been the way it is for most Malaysians...right right?

Today, I walked into the enormous new buildings of the public hospital of Sabah called the Queen Elizabeth Hospital. And boy was I impressed. They even had their own specialist center with ENT and dermatologist and even a dental surgery (which was where I was dreading). But the molar extraction went well...however very much scary. You can feel them scratching at your jaw bone as they try to clean out any infection possible and then you watch them pull strings thru your mouth as they stitch the big gaping hole there.

But all in all...I am glad it is done for now. Next Tues is another ordeal. Taking the stitches out. Kinda wished they gave the solvable ones so I did not have to go back. Kinda sick of hospitals and doctors and everything that smells like antiseptic.
I am soooo drooling for a large cheeseburger with wonderful fries...everything SINFUL, WONDERFUL and UTTERLY PAINFUL...

Best part of all of this...the endless supply of drugs I have been on. It is getting to the point of non stop pill popping...*virtual grin as real face is numb*

Forced silence....

2008-10-20T17:59:00.004+08:00

Some people say that the worst thing is to have nothing to say. I believe that the worst thing is to have something to say but not be able to say it...because nobody is listening.

Not having anything to say is just a blank mind, an empty canvas...just ready for learning, seeing and absorbing anything new and exciting. But to have your thoughts and ideas trapped behind a locked door seems to be the ultimate torture.

I remembered in undergrad in Lim Kok Wing, I used to complain bout having lazy group mates or receiving last minute work. One semester I was so confident I decided...hey...let's not stick to the group I am so happily contented with...let's shake the earth and mix about. Nothing good came out of that but learning the ability to maintain your dignity and that I love & miss my group members that listened to my opinions, openly debate it without discriminating and always thinking you are equal to them. They are the gems I found in uni that brought about the spark and confidence I have today.

Thank you...Ari, Ji-Ann, Evangeline, Asiyath, Annabell-o, Vanessa 1 & Vanessa 2! I miss your inspirational minds....

Now, I feel its a bit hard. One, it is because I feel a bit shy about voicing my opinion as I had not studied overseas long and might not be as knowledgeable as them. Two, its hard when others seem more aggressive and sometimes pushy...as I, being a proud Asian, tend to be more collective I guess. I think we call that....introvert? Did I get that right?

I miss those days where people would actually pause to hear what your opinions....
I miss debating on level ground...where no one has better/ultimate knowledge....

So, let's be open minds. Did they not say that it is always better to listen than speak all the time....which is why we have two ears and only one mouth?

Listen....for I am too here waiting to listen to what you have to say......

Dental work..

2008-10-14T17:07:00.002+08:00

I am embarrassed to say this but I got really bad teeth. 2 really bad fixtures needed and loads of drilling then fixing then filling. I am even more embarrassed that the dentist was my boyfriend's mother's boss.

But she was the best dentist I have experienced. She was gentle and she was actually upset when the anesthetic did not work on me and I was clenching my arm in pain throughout the whole procedure.

Sadly to say, her one and a half hours of work was only to fix one cavity. I have to return next Mon for another hour of suffering. Currently, I cannot open my mouth wider than a small gap and I can only eat on the left side. However, even though the anesthetic did not offer much consolation during the whole procedure it did help with the pain after.

Last night, I was able to eat lamb chops. Today, without them, I barely can stuff in a soft baked potato slice. I guess we take certain things in life for granted. Like the fact that despite saying how much you hate being drugged up, Nurofen is a live saver at times of distraught. I woke up in the middle of the night moaning and crying from the pain of the whole procedure as it all caught up with me....finally..

So people...learn from me....make sure you see a dentist every 6 months. Do not procrastinate like I did...as now I have to suffer badly....for life possibly as I look forward to root canal treatment.

End of semester here...

2008-10-09T07:52:00.003+08:00

It's crunch time again...the end of semester is here and I am going through the vicious cycles again of stress and slacking. I am not proud of how much I procrastinate but this semester motivation seems dim. I am teamed up with the smartest and most knowledgeable bunch in all my subjects...so when I go for group meetings it seems like a battle to prove my worth to be standing amongst them. There is no balance in the group as my opinions seem to slip through the cracks and never acknowledged.

Since arriving in Australia, I have learned much from my low ranking job as a servo girl that there should be no one who makes you feel lower; that everyone is equal. I no longer stand there quietly when people talk down to me and I do not think myself lowly just because I am a poor student working in a petrol station.

However, with this group assignments, I go to them dreading how they would put me down and yet I feel the same apprehension and fear of telling them what I think. Of asking them to maybe speak to me as an equal. Yes, I may be Asian and my accent is not superior to you...but I am proud to be Malaysian...and I am also as smart if you would allow me that freedom of speech. Ok...maybe I have not been taught active out-of-the-box thinking...but I do try and learn. And I am sure not all of my stuff are that bad....

Anyway, enough complaining Erin and get back to work....hahahah

Breaking through...

2008-10-07T08:06:00.004+08:00

Whenever my good friend Ari talks to me about affirmations and The Secret book...I could never really comprehend what she was talking about...like I understood it but it just did not sit right in my mind. I used to frustrate her all the time with that....I can almost imagine her pulling her hair out.

But today....I choose this to be my affirmation...

My Life is working right NOW.Today I live healthier because I make wise choices. I am rid of past regrets and old habits. They do not interfere in my productive lifestyle. I can Have, Be, and Do anything I desire.I look and do my best and God does the rest. ~Debra Lamb~

But I do want to add that....I am happy and loved. That all who hurt me are beyond me. That God is there craddling my life in His hands and that I am working great and excellent towards our future....

And everyone say...AMEN!

P.S. ~ Let's just say a certain someone realised that deep down inside she is still hurting and in need of some loving...spiritually and mentally.....and tho having been keeping it in to seem strong she is letting it out in the open and HEAL....

Unhappy man of God?

2008-10-05T18:06:00.004+08:00

Going to church almost all my life...you come to notice our pastors, priests, bishops and leaders to be invincible people that many admire. But we seldom see the bad sides of such Holy men and women of God unless the wind blows and rumours fall to your ears of their bad cranky hair days.

However, when you work in a petrol station, you see the wide variety of people and finally some days you see these wonderful men of God.....yet sadly to say...in such situations, these men of God aren't of the best character. Let's just say...they were not the best customers!!!

First, they are always distant....making us feel as if their spirit is not even there as we talk to them...(maybe they were with God at that time?) and it borders on being a little rude as my polite "how do you do's" are actually ignored. Maybe we foul petrol station people are too scary sinners to approach? But I highly doubt that's how God is... but weirdly being a pastor or priest is very much a people job....yet at the best or some say worst opportune time....they cannot offer up a smile.....

Secondly, they are always abrupt and in a hurry...rushing into the transaction and rushing to try to get out of the transaction.....so its always a hurried...no thanks to the promos...yes to the receipt......whispered thanks under the breath and lastly, legs running out the door. I wonder how heavy the burdens of a man of God is to not have the time to enjoy a leisurely stroll to pay for fuel.

There are many days that I admire their commitment and sacrifice to the church but other days I hope that they may be an example to people who actually hate working there on Sundays. For me, being in church for so many years I understand the stress...but imagine how many more lives they can touch by slowing down and actually looking at the people behind the counter.....

What do you think?

Almost died....

2008-10-03T06:02:00.004+08:00

It's scary and horrendously nerve-wrecking when you see a speeding car going out of control towards you. All you think about is closing your eyes and praying you live while bracing yourself for what impact might come. The worst part about such a thing is when you are stuck between other cars and you have no where to run but just to wait for the worst. It is a feeling so horrible that even I am lost for words now.

However, in this story, we survived....if not I would not have the pleasure of telling you this story now. Many of us had car accidents before...but near-fatal ones seem to be the rare one. Though both of us came out unharmed from the incident, I know deep down in my heart I have been scarred; by fear, apprehension, doubt and the land of all that is good has been shaken.

To me on the passenger seat, all I saw was a ute in front of me slowing down to turn as the car I am in slow down with it patiently awaiting it,then seconds later the driver in a big truck about to turn out from a street in front of us showing the hand signal to slow down (for whatever reason I do not know), the next thing I see is a car swerving around us hitting into another truck from the opposite lane and crashing into the fence of empty land. I thought I had the better end of the deal as I was oblivious the whole time before it happened. The driver of the car however soaked up the fear way before as he looked into the rear view mirror to see a car speeding towards us, with no where to run and no possible way to save the woman he loves. He waited for the crash to happen as the ute in front of us happily turned his corner. Inches before the speeding car hits our car, he swerves to the next lane only to loose control and hit a car coming from the opposite direction.

Though it may seem weird but making the choice to not run away could not have prevented the accident. However it did save our lives. Because, even if we jumped across to the other lane.....as tight as it would have been...we would have been the target hit for the speeding car as he tried to avoid the turning ute. God was there protecting us....protecting me from screaming my head off and scaring the driver into doing something he would not have done normally. Protecting us against being slammed up the cab of the ute.

So, forgive me housemates, if a broken down fridge does not seem like the biggest crisis in the world. Because, starting today, I am not going to hold your hand and waste my time in this world to baby sit you as you cant seem to find a warranty card or have time to buy toilet paper. I am living today for myself. For the people who actually cares a dim wat from me. Because a man saw a speeding car racing towards us and took it all to himself. Because God showed me that life was short. Because today seemed like a sunnier day than yesterday.

Home sick!

2008-09-26T20:37:00.005+08:00

Being with family..especially my po po who has Alzheimer's & might not remember me now*SOB*

Yummy...nasi lemak....only in Malaysia I found the right spice-sweetness ratio in the sambal...!!!!

Having yummy dinners in open air restaurants and it won't cost a bomb!

The longer you are away from home they more you go crazily insane missing it. You crave for the food, the weather (ok maybe that one not) but you start wishing for the company of the people you in the first place was trying to run from. Ok...that was an over-exaggeration.

But I must say....2 years away from Malaysia has made me crave for everything Malaysian...from the men, to the food...to the shopping experiences. Ask my darling...he has heard the countless sighs for dim sum, curry mee, satay, mee soup with taugeh,preserved papaya slices with ham moi...then endures my doubt on having a white man hanging off my arm instead of a full blood Asian...all the way to me complaining bout why Aussie shopping malls only have one level....hence the debate on the waste of space.

However, most of all I miss my family and friends. As I watch Annabel pack and leave, I realise that one piece of home has left with her. The countless times speaking in '"la's" and "ma's" and actually speaking my cantonese once in a while. I do miss her...and I miss having Vini more available to meet. As loneliness sets in, I realise I am lonely....akakaka. That besides my friends at uni and church, my one going out companion is my darling....oh and another girl but she is working too. Gosh what does work and getting married do to your social life. I think the thing most I miss bout them...is the connection. Having a friend who understands what you are saying without having to explain it with more than 3-5 words...that is what I fail to find in the many people I know here.

I think bout my buddies back home who miss me as much as I miss them, the many calls I make home to mom, dad, bro & sis just to feel that connection. I do know one thing...I have been blessed with a tremendous amount of friends that love me, care for me and try their best to understand me even tho I speak in Greek. But distance and time seem to be our constrain....I wish to see them soon...I wish to hug my friends like I used to before our night long mamak sessions or sit on the couch slacking off watching Korean dramas.....

I miss you guys........and the internet...though miraculous is still not the same....

But, I will visit.....k.........don't worry!!!

Birthday Party...at last!!

2008-09-24T15:45:00.006+08:00

Well...birthday parties are a weird thing. The older you get the more dignified it seem to get. Well, let's just say no more Ricky Martin dance-a-thons, Macarena group dances, pin the needle on the donkey and try to burst the balloon with your bums.

Sadly enough, we also grew out of the alcohol phase. Kinda sad though, I kinda felt alcohol always made the party a little more wild. On the other hand, this one was just as great without it. It was going to be a small festive Sunday dinner with close friends and obviously the housemates. Being a typically all Asian group, I decided hubby needed support from his other girlfriend, Ben to fight off the throngs of "la's" and "ma's". I invited a few friends from Uni and that's bout it. Yea...I don't think I have that much friends.

Anyway, as I excitedly devised the ten million things on my menu, I realised that with me working and all, I wont have the time and energy to do everything. But miracles of miracles, my elaborately planned menu was cooked up by Chef Hubby. He forced me to sit on the couch while he ran around cooking, whisking, baking and packing the stuff. All I did was make my macaroni and cheese and cut up the olives in the pre-bought salad. I never felt so lazy and loved. He even was the one to do the weird thing I do, trying to remember things we need prior to the party...all the fusing and worrying and nagging. I am truly loved....

The food menu was...*drool*

1. Crackers with 3 different types of dip (salmon, spinach & feta, sweet chili philly)
2. Greek salad with olives and feta cheese
3. Egg & ham quiche
4. Macaroni & cheese (from scratch- no pre made stuff)
5. Lamb cutlets with mint sauce
6. Honey soy & garlic chicken
7. Choc mint mousse (which was wat Hubby dearest was whisking about....YUM!)

And....THE PARTY WAS A BLAST....tho Annabel & Alessia couldnt make it.....*sob*

P.S. - Annabel's daddy came to town so she had to be a good girl and entertain him (I dun think fan dancing was involved) and Alessia had a little bailing out to do...(I am not telling u!)

Yes....we never tire of the bunny ears pictures. Some there are almost close to their mid crisis years......*blek* jk jk I love all of them....

Me and my goodest goodest friend.....with the pillows she lent me for my party.....that's her fiancee there....gosh everyone is getting so old and married!!!

Me and me housemates...thanks for helping clean and wash up...!!

Hubby dearest flirting with my mom on MSN...how dare they right? Anyway...something to do with some secret emotional meeting of the minds across the ocean....watch out dad!!! *wink*

Anyway, thanks everyone for coming and those who weren't....trust me we missed you so much and regret that you couldn't join us....and sorry we left no food for you to taste.....Vini lapped up everything...something about not eating lamb since forever cuz ex-vegetarian fiancee can't stand bones......

Love you all...and thank you for all the gazillion SMSes that made my day.....

Turning 23 too late...

2008-09-08T22:56:00.007+08:00

I turned 23 about two weeks ago. With so many things going on, I was unable to celebrate the birthday. So, I settled for a nice dinner with my darling. But, like I said in the previous post...things seem to like to go wrong at just the wrong times. His grandma was hospitalized due to pneumonia....so our days ended up filled with worry, shuffling from one end of Perth to the other dragging jammies and granny undies. She was suspected of having a heart attack but was thankful cleared of that.

A day before my birthday, his grandma was released from the hospital. As we sat in the car for a long ride to the hospital, I started drilling him on his many prom escapades. Now, in Aus, it seems to be a big thing to go to prom. Every now and then you see fancy dressed boys and girls riding in limos and having big corsages wrapped around their arms. What a waste of money! But hey, if they enjoy it why not? A simple money-minded Malaysian like me won't know. Not to mention I spent like only RM50 for my dress for a ball and even managed to go without makeup....lovely hey? Wonder why you still with me, honey bun? =P

So anyway, reaching the densely packed full with cars hospital area....we circled the town trying to find a parking spot. I don't get men but they get so testy when they cant get a parking spot yet they refuse to slow down and tailgate people to their cars. Right? Right? Finally, after a long long journey...we found a parking spot. HOORAH! Only to find out that grandma was already waiting at the pick-up zone and we did not have to park at all. *slaps forehead*

My honey bun got summoned to stay the night at her place. Just to check if she was alright. Somehow, I imagined the night before my birthday to be a little more romantic than a dinner with grandma and watching 6 different news from each TV channel that night. I begged that my birthday would be better, getting on my knees for him to get someone to take care of grandma tomorrow as it was my romantic birthday dinner at one of Perth's best restaurants. Thankfully he said yes, because I wonder how much further I would have groweled for it.

Birthday dinner comes and goes by sadly. With so much on our mind, we ended up staring out the window and mechanically forked the wonderful pasta into our mouths. But what we came home to was another worry all together. Walking in the door, a peaceful image of grandma napping on the couch. However, that image soon evaporated as I smelt something burning in the kitchen. Investigating further, we discovered grandma had left the stove on cooking potatoes for what seemed like 1.5 hours. And even after that, she decided it was no big deal and she should have ice cream for dinner. For a woman who was in the hospital for pneumonia, ice cream should be the last thing to have for dinner on a cold winter's night. Stubborn grandmas! I remember my own po po (grandma) stubborn enough to fight against the whole world. I miss you po po!!!!

To cut the long story short, grandma was nagged by her 4 kids and my hubby dearest was to guard her day in day out. One thing though....even as I fumed over how little time I had to celebrate my birthday....I knew that if my family had the same situation, I would have acted the same and would put his birthday celebration on the back burner. That is how family should be...agreed?

Too many falls...

2008-08-09T15:42:00.003+08:00

There is this malay phrase that goes..."Sudah jatuh, ditimpa tangga" which literally means after falling, the ladder falls upon you. What it really means is that...after one bad thing another follows and it continues on. I am currently experiencing that....after working my butt off to pay for my fees...my tax return did not arrive in time. So I have to grovel and beg my parents back home to help me pay off the rest. They happily agreed with a grunt. But things were finally looking up...I was back in class...working less....and my fees is paid for a semester so I have one less worry.

But then the MONSTER LADDER strikes. Apparently, little idiot me did the tax return wrong or something but I got summoned by the tax department to pay an extra 4k...which was the exact amount of my expected tax return. So I do not know what went wrong. But one thing I do know....hanging from the ceiling with a rope around my neck sounds a lot better than groveling to my parents for more money. But somehow, I seem to be better at groveling. So I had to apologize to my parents for the late delay of the supposed imaginary tax return and I need to track the tax people to see what went wrong, while doing 3 assignments. All on urgent conditions.

Somehow I do not know when all these bad things will end...because for once...I just really need a happy moment...just one! Even my relationship is a little rocky lately....due to only seeing once a week...him busy with work...me busy with assignment, work and horrid things happening to me....

*sigh*

Growing success...

2008-08-05T07:31:00.003+08:00

When you read blogs like.....Mr. Kenny Sia, Waiter to Writer and Su's little dream boat. You start to wonder of their success. I have been reading their blogs for a long time...some for about a year...others even more. And I aspire to be like them...to live their dream, to achieve success from a small a thing as blogging. It is wonderful...to watch them grow...get better and finally live out their dream.

One of Su's commentors said...

"The difference between dreaming a dream and living the dream
Is a lifetime spent living the dream out.."

My friend, Vinu, who knows lil cute Su and was the one who introduced her blog to me still sit around the dining table and awe about her talents. We drool over how wonderful she is..how lucky she is and how great she has become. And it struck me....I want to live a life that works at living out my dream. Instead of just sitting around waiting to be inspired by more people....envying their success and hoping my time will come.

The train of thought then flows to my beloved brother. How he started his entrepreneurship days with a decision to be his own boss. He then quits his stable job and starts his own business, living off his savings. Yet in that time....he is the happiest ever. Today, which I think is 2 years down the road, he has his own staff to boss around and a pay large enough to pay off my fees in a one month pay....(mind you...its 3.15 times...RM to AUD)

Truth be told, I never expected it from my bro. Not that he is not smart or talented. It was more because he was such a softie. I always thought myself to be the street smart go getter...because I wasnt a genius...so I lovingly thought God had compensated me with those attributes so I could succeed. Lo and behold, my bro took over and became the businessman of the family. And trust me, even now, I am embarrassed at how I am a softie....looking at the Mr. Overly Soft to Mr. Logically Smart kakakakaka

I should be getting off my bum....and do some dream living...*smile*

(*Yawn*) Maybe tomorrow.......(*wink*)

Too many "if's"...

2008-07-19T18:24:00.004+08:00

How many of you spend too many moments of your life wasting it on "if" scenarios? Please do put up your hands. Haha mine would shoot right up at that instant and for sure...I can assure you...I am a No. 1 worry-wart.

I am an expert at conjuring up different far-fetched scenarios for a simple thing and somehow manage to do it for every second of my life for the longest stretch possible. Ask any of my friends how freaking annoying I am....actually wait....ask my current partner...he will tell you the countless times I absorb into the same stupid subject. I am still amazed how he manages to continue to stick around.

As you see...a few days ago...I paid AUD$ 250 for my driving test....$100 for the test and guess what...$150 to use the instructor's car for the exam. It is not cheap and I was praying to pass at the first go. But then...I failed...BY ONE FREAKING MARK!! Imagine my frustration....and my utter disgust at myself. So horrid was it, that I have not been eating and sleeping well because the incident keeps haunting me....my brain then grudgingly wakes me up at the wee hours of the morning just to remind me what a failure I am....insisting to bring up flashback after flashback of what I did wrong.

And with that...the dark cloud forms...the rain of tears flowing at the weirdest times....while working, or eating or just plain reading a book. Depression follows next and then my infamous anorexic phase (if it could occur...haha love food too much) or I think recently would be a spur of binge eating. However, how is it that we fail to see what is the real root of the problem?

Most days, I would blame God. Even this time...I question whether He really loved me as I still failed my driving exam even after praying and believing. And surprisingly, even got Mr. BF to pray for me...and that is an amazing feat. Somehow, something went wrong....and the faith did not turn into victory. And I was angry and disappointed with God. Then, Mr. BF said a real stunner...."God has a plan. Maybe He is just testing your faith". Well, I might not know His divine plan....but He did show me....that I must learn to let go.

Having too many "what if" and killing myself over small issues will not help me grow.....so I am learning...God I am...trying at least...teach me!!!

Wedding Bells!!

2008-07-14T11:38:00.005+08:00

Congratulations to my best friend, Maggie Doh....on her wonderful wedding day. Saddens me to know that I was not there to watch her be perfectly beautiful as all brides am. However, with dengue on her tail and so much to do, she still managed to make me cry even from hearing her bridesmaid tell me how pretty she looks as she puts on her veil.

I can imagine her...all nervous and jittery but so stunningly beautiful. I can almost see her smiling that wide grin, the same one as she kissed him the first night she met him. The same soft tender glow she gets from his attention, as the one where he called to chat with her for the first time...to get to know her.

I am utterly upset to not be there...to watch this love blossom into the next level especially since I was there when they first met, there as she told me she loves him, there as they moved in together. But I guess I will promise to be there in spirit...and the flesh is financially unavailable.

As I soak in visions of her in a beautiful white gown and a wedding beyond imagination, I feel a little jealousy seethe at the borders. Happy yet jealous at the same time that she found her "The One" at such a young age....so fast so quick so easy. That they are both stable in their jobs while me, the same age as her, still struggle through essays and exams. And that they finally are married and have a wedding of their dreams. But the vision of her....smiling excited as I called on her wedding day....shoots the jealousy down the drain. Though she was not able to answer the phone I know deep down inside...she wanted me there. And I truly wanted to be there...and my soul reaches out to be by her side walking down the aisle.

But the world is a cruel place and we do not get what we want. I want to get a proper job...stop school...stop having to serve stupid customers and have my own house. But I can't. So, if my best friend is living the life she wants....omit the dengue....I am overly happy and excited for her. Though she has her challenges, and me mine, but I am sure at this moment of time...she is on Pleasure Island! One day....my day will come.....*smile*

Which is better: to hide or to tell d truth?

2008-07-03T23:31:00.004+08:00

Sometimes in relationships, there are certain points and decisions in which decides the turning point of the whole journey. Sadly to say, but everything we do is a constant reminder of the Butterfly Effect movie 2003 and how each and every decision in life will cause a dramatic change in our intended path.

DAMN! Suddenly it is not so fun to learn by mistakes and to follow your heart's desires and see what happens next. Sitting downstairs alone with a small heater adequate enough only to warm my toes, surrounded by my boyfriend's freakish looking miniatures and dishes that is beckoning to be washed...I suddenly am given the opportunity to have wonderful flashbacks on all the moments in which was my "Ashton Kutcher blackout moment".

One thing I remember from the failure of my last relationship was the day I started noticing the skank playing with him. Actually she is not a skank but a really nice girl...but at that moment of time...I hated her. Anyway, from then it was downhill, the trust was gone and the constant fighting not to mention I was tens of thousand miles away. I remember going back to see him after a year, he aloof and high...me sad and distraught...and I remember every word he said on how the failure was caused by the issue that no matter how much he tried I would still be upset every time I called and he was out partying. I could think of all the ways of putting the blame on him...but somehow it was not worth the effort. But somehow that seemed appropriate to be categorized as a butterfly effect moment.

My butterfly effect moment in my current relationship was actually....weirdly...fighting horribly during our first month together. So we put all our cards on the table and gambled our hearts in. But the stakes were too high and we were too important to each other so we carefully worked our way to a win-win situation. When "HE" asked me to tell my parents bout us...I was skeptical...I always believed that ignorance is bliss esp when it comes to my very uptight and protective parents. Don't get me wrong...I love them...but then can get too much for a young rebellious girl like me!

But we...or more he...weighed the options and telling them was the best for our future. And I did...that Sunday....and we survived. My parents were so shocked...they were speechless...a first for them. My mom had the humour to scream out.."YOU GETTING MARRIED" in which got me scolded by my dad once she passed the phone over. Let's just say he assume marriage and no more studying.....kakakaka. One month later...my parents are happy to hear stories bout our crazy working lives together and they joke bout using him as my green card. All in all...I am glad we made a smart decision that somehow was the greatest blessing from God.....not to mention most nerve-wrecking!!!!!

We survived....

2008-05-26T14:17:00.001+08:00

Btw....we survived Sunday. Went a lot better than expected. Praise God! I got another 3,000 word essay due soon...in exactly 1.5 hrs...Will update later. Cya!

Weary and drained....

2008-05-22T09:52:00.001+08:00

There comes a point in time of a student's life when it becomes not so fun and beer filled. And that is the end of the semester....exam and final assignment submittion time. Where you can see the long lines at the cafe...zombies pushing ahead for coffee to keep awake and every table filled with a sleep deprived and cranky studious student.

But don't worry...this sorry state in uni only lasts that few weeks...then its party time again...with even more beers, parties and food.

But as this very weary bones, teary eyed, panda eye bags and drained soul sits in the university joining into the stressed aura...she is amazed how she seems to think more of her stupid blog than continue on studying.

Anyway, big news ahead....me going to tell my super religious parents that I am dating a sorta non-Christian. Those of you out there who knows me...I would rather chop off my head with a pocket knife than tell them that.

But I believe it is about time I grew up and told the truth instead of lying to get myself out of things. I need to remember my ideals and stand firm on them. So anyhow, if you do not hear from me after this Sunday or no posts seem to appear after the 25th, that would mean that I did not survive the wrath of my parents and disintegrated into thin air.

So pray for me people that they would be understanding. And those of you who don't pray...just cross your fingers for me k...!!!

Down low...

2008-05-09T19:06:00.004+08:00

There comes a moment in time when your Cloud Nine crashes to the ground. And that you are there sitting picking up the pieces. Most of the time we see it as, that love life or coupling pack. But for me...all I ever done good in my life...was study hard & dream. And when something that I so lovingly picked in the beginning of the year breaks my heart and dashes my dreams...I do not know if I should kneel in the shards of glass....bleed and hurt...to pick it up and slowly but surely glue them back together with a extremely-too-small glue gun.

As I sit there doing that, I am sure that the shards of glass will cut my hands and fingers...and the longer I try to fix it, the larger the cuts become and the deeper the pain will be. However, I know and my dad knows this well, that I set myself up for this. My dad always says slightly sad & puzzled, "Out of my three smart children, you are the only one who seems to choose the hardest path in life. And I still do not know why!" ---> i.e. I picked this stupid subject I am gonna fail in

Dad,

I myself do not know why I make the hardest and most difficult choices in life. Maybe I am bad at decision making, or maybe I am just a disaster in the making. But I am sorry for making you worry. It is hard for me too...to have to struggle and pick myself up after so many constant but sure to come falls. I wish one day God would give me the wisdom to choose wisely but somehow I just don't listen to him.

However, even so, I am glad He gave me my own Datuk K as a shoulder to cry on. It is a difficult time for me now....struggling to pass a unit,my favourite unit and I miss my friends. I miss people to talk to and hug me and who could understand me. I miss u Vini. And I cant talk to Anabel cuz she sees me as competition in the class...i.e. Kiasu? Beb has enough problems of her own and Mag has much to be joyful about her wedding than be depressed bout my sorrows. So all I have now is my man. God seems to be ignoring me now some how...I am hurting Him with what I do...loving a man who doesn't love Him.

But did I not already mention it, I seem to choose the most difficult path in life. Maybe I learn more this way? Maybe its punishment?

For now...I do not know. For now...I am glad I am still breathing. For now...I will continue picking up those shards of glass and slowly, even if it takes forever, piece it back together. So, even if I will fail, I will try my best to pass. Even if I have no hope, I will at least make an effort. Because...that's what being an ALPHA FEMALE is....struggling on...fighting on...til there is nothing left to push you forward....

What I haven't started talking bout...

2008-04-25T21:29:00.008+08:00

I know I know....everyone has been expecting a detailed post about my new lover.

But I would open up a empty post to start writing and all I can think bout is...I have no bloody idea what to write about him. Not to say he is boring or anything but where is the defining line between telling of a wonderful love, violating the privacy line or just plain gloating bout a new lover?

Ok so let's have some pictures to tell then...

First of all....he presented me with....

Kakakkak...no I did not have a baby with him. This is his wonderful God daugther...Tabitha. And she is perfect! The best thing about him is that he and his friends made me part of the group...like family despite the fact that I was his gf for like only a few weeks. I appreciate that the most about him...and it is the part I loved best.

Naomi, proud mom of lil Tabby Cat allows me to fawn over her and worry about her after the C-section. I rushed to her side missing classes just to be there and I was welcomed with open arms from the flushed and over excited dad. It was great. And as I watch my handsome man carry the darling baby in his arms, a feeling stirred in my heart. I bagged myself a good one there!

His first gift to me...tho I asked for it and it was from Cotton on Kids...it was still the best gift ever. I would carry...Henry...yes his name is Henry as stated on his tag....everywhere for the first few weeks. And funnily enough, he (Mr. BF) get custody of him for a few days in a week. Though our relationship gets a little shaky from the cultural differences and the 'after-honeymoon-period' fights, I love the fact that we can communicate....or try to anyway. And he might not be a romantic as my ex was, but a change is good....I thank God for him everyday. I love him for who he is...ohhhh too mushy...sorry guys!

His recent gifts to me seem a little extravagant if I must say so myself but he got a bonus and apparently wants to share it with me...too sweet. He hates PDA(Public Display of Affection) and does not know how to be romantic and seriously suck at it. But when he makes the effort, its more than enough to melt my heart. Like this wonderful Parker pen which he got me as a gud luck present before my mid term exam...which came with a wireless printer...so cool present. Then today he surprised me with a nice warm mink blanket which I am wrapped up in while typing this post during the cold winter night.

So, ok, it seems like I am very materialistic talking bout all the gifts he gave me but its the only way I know how to show who he is without going too deep but exposing enough to show how great he is. Gosh I am turning more gross mushy than Vini can ever be...HORRID!!

Anyway, that is it....my love life.....for now!!! Kakak...sorry ppl for such a mushy post.....you can kick me later

Bulls ahoy!!!

2008-04-14T10:23:00.002+08:00

Everyone who knows me....knows very well how I cringe at the thought of a confrontation. I do not know how to fight back and I do not know how to defend myself. I am, however, very good at keeping mum & staring back defeated in silence. It is pathetic and sad...but have not been brought up to be so feisty.

Even a recent argument with my boy boy also resulted in me consulting 10 million other friends before I got the courage and words to win the case. Also though I think he was being nice and letting me win. Such a sweetheart!

Anyhooooo...the main point of this post is that...

I might look like a scared shit-less lamb but truth is when you rub me the wrong way, I can get pissed off and bark at you.

Saturday was a good day...started off great with a large milk order and doing so with a bad back doesnt seem to make my smile any bigger. But after putting all of it away, I was able to relax in blissful quiet Saturday mornings where everyone is still asleep from a drunken Friday pub night. I walk around the empty store to tidy up on what is needed with the occasional needed break of newspaper buyers interrupting. It goes good til the late risers decide to invade my space for cheap fuel. At the height of it, a customer decides to piss me off further by bitching to me about how it is our fault that the air hose is broken.

No. 1 - its never our fault...we don't even use the airhose
No. 2 - its cause every time we get it fixed...some idiot will somehow spoil it within the next day
No. 3 - it seems like there is never a air hose because of reason no. 2

After his long 10 minute bitching...I said....

"Why don't you say that to the customers who actually do spoil them?"

His face turns bright red from anger and I stare him back square. He backs down and mumbles...."Stupid server stations...." and walked off before I could punch him in the face.

30 minutes later....

Another man drives in and decided to fill up his jerry can from the back of his ute. It is against company policy to do that so I requests for him to place the jerry can on the floor before filling. He comes in angry and steaming, requesting an explanation. I tell him it is for safety reasons, and he keeps asking, "Why?".
"An engine tank is not on the ground too!", came his lame kindergarten retort.
I explained that while your engine is strapped down to the car, the jerry can isn't.

As he continues on his endless fight, I calmly tell him that it is not me he should direct his anger at...I inform him of a complaint number and he can do his satanic works there. As expected, he refused and continued on harassing me. I raise my voice a notch telling him I am only doing my job to carry out the company's orders and is happy to pass him the complain number. He finally stops arguing and ask politely for the receipt to his fuel. Walking out huff-ly but somehow defeated.....

All in all...its a day of lost tempers......(don't mess with a angry woman!)

Stressed...I want OUT!

2008-04-06T21:43:00.003+08:00

If only I can say that every time something does not go the way I want it to.

Sitting at a deja vu moment as I watch my best friend flirting sheepishly with a staff member from where I work. My mind flashes back to the time I met him the second time; the overly zealous conversation, the asking me where the cloth for cars are kept so he can wash his car and the orders I barked at him. Somehow, I wished for someone better for her...someone way over my league....some tall, dark, handsome Christian prince with his own house and a million cars. But this is expected of a friend so in love with her...not in the horrible way you are imagining it!!!

Anyway, back to the story...

As I look at her happily soak up his attention, I feel a little worry and protectiveness for her emotions. I don't want her to get hurt especially since I don't even know that guy well besides the fact that he is nice. Yet as we spend the next 4 hours catching up on all the juicy details in each others' lives...I realise I am in no position to worry....I am in the similar deep pot of shit.

The only thing is she had the sense to take things slow. Me...just like previous experiences...just jumped into it like a tub of warm water during chilly winter. Regrets....plentiful...as I struggle as everything catches up with me. The emotions, the repercussions, the problems.

However, at least one of us is doing good...self discipline. And I know her response would be..."Read the bible more!".

But somehow this time, as everything piled up on me, I adopted a brand new attitude of "QUITTING". Not wanting to struggle on but to just raise my arms up in surrender. As we both reviewed our study plans, I amazed myself by actually agreeing to abandon our masters plan. What is wrong with me? This is not the me that I know.

Yet as the 2nd semester seem to pass me by, I see that this studying is ridiculous as everything I learn will not apply in the future...that everything I spend many hours on is total ridiculous buffalo doodie....

So, for now, I am going to be that loser and say....I WANT OUT!

Beyond boundaries....

2008-03-27T14:11:00.002+09:00

How did a day dream end up into reality?

How did a guy I liked end up liking me?

How did God manage to allow me just enough money to survive...just the right amount without me even calculating it?

All these coincidences....are not really coincidences. They are amazing God given gifts. Yet, some of them so utterly wrong and unreal.

Everyday I seem to ask myself..."What am I doing?". It is weird to be so utterly happy after such a long time of unhappiness and depression to find something so amazing.

Then on the other hand I feel it is distracting me from my other purposes. Like how I seem to not want to do assignments anymore...and I dun spend like 2-3 weeks on my assignments anymore. But my mind seems to fill with things that he said...things that I think he meant...things that I should be doing....money that I need to accumulate....my need for the gym. Even my housemates call me the "gym junkie" while his mom raves on bout how im a "cook book junkie".

Do I really seem like an addict?

There I go rambling random stuff again....what's wrong with me!!???!!!

Sorry...im so scattered now...i need to get my life in line.....give me time k.....

Juggling wobbly...

2008-03-17T15:05:00.003+09:00

Imagine the circus music surrounding you. And out wobbles a clown in gigantic shoes and face paint thick enough to cover all your room walls. He has painted on a 100megawatt smile but behind those thick lines of paint is a uncertain smile...for he is juggling 4 red balls in his hand...and the never-ending fear of him dropping those balls, losing balance or embarassing himself in front of the audience keeps his heart racing at 100 beats a minute.

For you see..he does not juggle with the same grace as a juggler would...the ones trained professionally to just juggle but he is an amateur...throw into the act for the sake of entertainment and circumstance but not for the love of it.

Have you ever felt that way? That we are forever juggling what we have in life. The more important things there are to you at the moment...the more you have to juggle them to fit into your short available times.

I feel now....the unstable and wobbly juggling of things in my life...my studies, work, church and friends, him and gym/stayin fit. There is never enough time in the day and not a moment in which I have time to relax. But not to say...I wish for more time with him...because its the only time I do get to relax. But would it be too selfish or greedy to ask for more investment of his time...when he himself face the same problem of juggling heavier balls than mine?

But the days seems to go by happier when I know he is there to support me. Yet, some days....i just overly mental masturbate of the outcome far far away from today. The cultural differences freak me out. The fact that all my friends are asians and all his friends are white. But hey....life is bout challenges. Needless to say we did not choose the conventional path to knowing each other and getting to know each other....which for many is taboo, even the lil asian me...but we shall be positive hey?

Studies is piling up on me...I am so busy there is no time where my brain doesn't think and process. I am sick of studying and this is only my second semester....can someone kick me in the bum? Forgive my weird ramblings....I have a test in 3 hours yet I refuse to study and currently have no internet at home so am blogging in the midst of 10 million other Curtin students....ARGH!

Starting anew...

2008-03-08T15:48:00.005+09:00

That title sounds familiar...wonder if I ever used it before? Hahhahah...too lazy to find out. I am utterly overly very the lazy....I feel like the couch potato whose body shape has curved every inch on the sofa to accommodate my junk filled body. Thank God I am not in that repulsive stage yet.

I am glad to announce that I have joined the gym and am determined to get back my hour glass figure in which my micro mini skirts could shine thru...MUAHAHHAHA. Not to say that I am very appreciative of the glances someone has been showering me with; reminding me of what a beautiful person I am despite the flabs here and there. But the truth is...I find it easier to love myself now; even before the appreciative glances started. I guess that is what one would call the liberation thru the love of many good friends...boosting of one's self image.

My other new love of my life is Mr. Lancer. My wonderful graduation gift from my parents. They are so sweet...giving me such an expensive gift....tho it is 10 years old and dying from its previous owner. I am very happy for the gift. And hey...I can finally brag that I am a LANCER driver as what my friends and I used to gush over at Lancer cars...akakkaka...*giggle*. But hey...driving one is no big deal...feels exactly like when I used to drive Nick's old proton. Same feel....same interior feel too....only diff is the brand name....akakakkaka

Sorry guys...no mood to blog properly with the overly drama words....dang tired and sleepy....n sick...got xray to take on Mon....crossing my fingers for good results...*sigh* tired and i miss him...miss him so so much.....

Power of friendship...

2008-02-16T06:41:00.002+09:00

"You are too nice!", screams every single one of my close friends. Their utter frustration seems to beg for me to stop being like so...so that they can finally rest in peace.

"Stop being so negative!" begs another sweet soul trying to bring me back into the light from the 'darkness'. As much as I love them with all my heart, my brain refuses to register their advices....rebelling against change.

What was I so afraid of anyway? Would such change really do as much harm as the benefit it will bring in the long run?

Think back to that time...long long long ago....ages beyond the dinosaurs where Backstreet Boys were the bomb and Spice Girls dominated the posters of every young teenage boy. The time when you started meeting friends...and when the security blanket of mommy and daddy couldn't shield you from being betrayed and back stabbed.

It was then that insecurities about relationships and friendship crept into the dark corners of your mind. It is at these vulnerable times that set the precedent for future relationships.

However so...despite the many heartaches...I always believed that love should be invested unconditionally into friendships no matter how much people complain about them or how they seem to annoy you at the worst times of the day. I have detached myself from the KL world that I was so joyously enjoying when I moved to Perth only keeping in contact whenever a gap appears in my busy schedule (which is as rare as a sun eclipse).

But surprisingly, their love for me did not seem to die off. As I go through a tough time packing the memories of my lost love into black plastic rubbish bags, the people who first discouraged me into such a relationship (which btw I did not listen too) was there to pick up the pieces of my heart. And as they offered their generous hand of help, I thank my lucky stars and also God that I met them...and decided to love them. Because today I love them more whenever they get cranky, when they get freaked out by my overly zealous lesbian tendencies and when they get pissed off whenever I do something stupid.

And who says I am alone. Though they are not there for me 24/7 and not available all the time due to higher bias towards quenching their thirst of horniness...I know I could have no better friends than them...

Thank you guys for reading my heart's needs before saying the words...!!!

Happy Valentine's Day...

2008-02-15T00:43:00.002+09:00

It is Valentine's Day again. Last year and the year before was showered with romantic gestures and loving admiration. This year....I am single again. But things are different then when it was many years before where I would bemoan my bad misfortune.

Today, I pro-actively organized a dinner with friends and is now hiding from the hot Malaysian heat typing this post for a second. Thanking my lucky stars that I am single today. But without my wonderful friends, I would have not have been as happy as I can say I am now.

As I walked alone in 1 Utama shopping for clothes and stuff to bring back to Perth, I realize I am no more devastated that I am single. That growing up has allowed me to see it as just another day and I still scoff happily at the little kids in uniforms and their puppy love dedicated flowers. Wait til they see the real world...wont be so rosy anymore...But hey that not for me to spoil the fun!!!

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day all.....

Growing up...

2008-01-30T18:40:00.000+09:00

As I sat across the table, staring into the once familiar faces of my best friends, I sigh in amazement at how many years has flow by us. I thank God for the allowing these friendships to endure the wear and tear of teenage-hood into adulthood.

In a once familiar mamak store, I tell of my new friends found in Perth. Tell of my escapades working and supporting myself while she indulges me with updates of her committed relationship and the challenges she faces. My mind reels back to 8 years ago when all we would gush about is that cute 16 year old boy who said hi to me in church. Things sure have changed dramatically.

The next day, amidst devouring a yummy plate of cheesy crab tapas, my other friend and I discuss her wedding plans. Secretly, my heart yearns for the loving relationship this couple has had for the past 2 1/2 years and more to come. I wish them the joy and happiness of their future life together as husband and wife. I am excited to be a witness to their wondrous occasion especially since I was there the first day they met, there the first time they kissed, there as they announced their engagement to the world and so I am looking forward to be there as they start their new journey together.

At 23 years old this year, I am feeling the desperate cry for stability. However, it seems my life is calling me towards a different path. With my new adopted zen-like attitude, I am glad to be embracing all these new challenges and going with the flow towards great adventures ahead. As another 1.5 years of stressful supporting myself dilemmas and torturous masters studies will pursue, I am sure there is much to learn and much to gain from this experience.

While a friend teases me of my reaction towards an orgy for Valentine's Day, I realise somewhere deep down inside....I am ready to try something new. That I am no longer too afraid to embrace what is unknown....to be brave enough to continue walking on despite uncertainty and being alone. So, is this the part that shows we have grown up? Or are we just subconsciously evolving and aging?

*Hmmmm* I might be...up for that orgy after all...!?!?!? Hahahahahhaaa

Asian enough?

2008-01-26T17:22:00.000+09:00

Lil old me is finally home in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia...after a 5 hour flight delay..another 2 hour flight delay and constant stupidity of not activating the international roaming in my phone.

The first sign of home was when I touched down in Brunei....lugging my large laptop around to the next check-in counter. My eyes spy the show on the television hanging above. I continued on... laughing and giggling to myself, to the amusement of most of the passengers around. What I saw was...a typical malay soap drama, something I have not seen in a whole year. Hearing the malay words thrown during an over dramatic love fighting scene between the first and second wife never cease to amuse me!!! I was finally home *sigh*

After much problem of trying to communicate with my family back home that my flight has been delayed...(did I forget to mention...I did not activate my international roaming?? IDIOT!!)..I spotted a internet cafe qouting only AUD$3 for half an hour. My mind rejoiced at how cheap it was considering it was late night services at a airport. My eyes scanned the other prices as my heart sank....it was RM8 for half an hour. I was so used to not converting stuff anymore that I did not realise how expensive it was...naughty me...!!!

Oh well desperate times called for desperate measures. True enough...my internet addict brother was online and I told him my flight details. Yet, somehow when I arrived in KK, they were still late to pick me up. I was contemplating what horrendous deeds I could do in exchange for a free phone call to my family. Blow job? Exposed boob? Dirty dancing?

Gladly, half an hour later I see my scrawny brother and surprisingly hot little sister walking down the plank towards me. I was overjoyed...finally able to go home!

While Perth was 40 degrees and Malaysia only 32 degrees. Yet, I had to shower 3-4 times a day...the humidity keeps me sweating like a pig...ARGH! My body clock is so in tune to Perth that by 9am I am awake walking about an empty house of snoring siblings.But best of all...going on an outing with my family...I realise...I don't fit in anymore. Everything is the same as I left it, but I don't fit into that scene anymore....why?

In Perth...I was too Asian but here in Malaysia...I am not Asian enough. What is one to do then? Has the exposure towards different cultures knock you into a different category of person?

As I walk out into the streets of my neighborhood looking at the dogs caged up all day, I feel anger welling up in this cruelty. My parents don't cage my dogs up but they are still confined to their own space in the backyard. Have my mentality turned too Western that I believe dogs should be treated like your own baby? I don't blame my parents...they treat my doggies well.....I treat them better.

Where do I go from here....a mixed breed of culture that is unable to be classified...hated by one, misunderstood by the other? Do I select family first and put myself second as most Asians would do...or do I select what is best for oneself first then the obligation to family comes in second as many of my Aussie friends have impressed upon me?

New beginnings...

2008-01-22T19:21:00.000+09:00

Life seem to be racing past you. And you stand there stagnant not knowing where to go next. But that is the best thing isn't it...we get the time to think...and allow our mind, soul and body to prepare itself for what is to come. I guess some days we should just thank God for the moments that make us stop and think.

2007 has been quite a eventful one for me. But today I am glad to say that 2008 will be without the anger I felt towards someone. After a 20 Aussie dollar call, I felt the closure I needed. I do not know if meeting up will do anything but it will be nice to see an old friend despite it all. I appreciate everything that he has done for me.

As the world moves forward and I am finally able to come out of my bubble, I listen to the classic rock music that I have always loved but never seemed to have expressed to anyone. No one could understand my love for soft rock and classic rock....maybe its cuz I am a girl and I could never name anyone famous/band/singer from that genre. I just love it...but I am not good with names. The only reason why I know who Fort Minor is was cuz someone used to hammer it into my head all the time. But at least I know I am not that clueless now.....

Besides this rambling, I guess what I am trying to say is...life gives you unexpected twists which seem to rip your heart out. Even though it hurts like s*@$, we get a taste of the wonderful things we want...and finally the small whiffs and tastes of the cake will finally bring you to the treasure long awaited. And I can't wait for that day....and I am grateful for every person who helps me arrive there.....

Anniversary

2008-01-13T23:49:00.000+09:00

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary. It was today that we first kissed. And today that I said "yes". No wonder I have been so cranky yesterday and today. Yesterday I was a little desperate for company that I begged my best friend to come online. But sadly, she was busy with things and her darling. And also then I couldn't pin point the reason why I was feeling like so.

However, today as I had so many issues happening to me and I finally realized the date. Things went downhill from there. So many wishes...so many promises...oh well life was good. Thank God for that....

You complete me...

2008-01-13T01:43:00.000+09:00

The only one reason that made the Jerry Maguire (1996) movie such a hit was their out of this world phrases.

Like one of them would be, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" which I felt was really not my thing. And me, like other girls, would gush about two sentences that was entered into their dreams. "You complete me" and "You had me at hello". Now, as we little kiddies sit watching the movie...sniffing at the romantic scene, I know the exact same thing is happening in each and every girl watching this; that they would want to be able to hear those words uttered to them and for them.

Then, the ex-'never been'-FTV student in me started thinking back to the very first love stories told in a form of fairy tales. Each one depicting a romance that makes our love relationships pale in comparison. No man would ride a thousand miles on a horse just to kiss a sleeping woman...or climb up a tower using her hair (which I must say I assume has not been washed) to save a damsel in distress. However, with my bias towards my gender, I have seen many women who endured life as Beauty and the Beast. Horrible men who misuse women's sacrificial love for their own benefit.

But not all guys are like that. Sometimes the table turn and you find a man in the same situation as poor little Bell. Or sometimes, the fairy tale does end well with the Beast turning back into a charming prince and Bell is able to live happily ever after.

Don't you think that these stupid fairy tales and love movies make it harder for pure simple love relationships to exist? Girls start to expect more flowers, more chivalry , more mushy words and guys start to crave for sexy girls in high heels and slutty underwear & also sex on the first date Haahahahah.

Even so, tho this conspiracy must end, I do say tonight I will dream of my Mr. Prince Charming who gently massages my aching shoulder for I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning, and also greet my sore feet with a warm towel & lovely hands to soothe the pain. And when all is better, kiss me tenderly til I am contented & warm with love. As my eyes close into slumber sleep....I think I heard this faceless perfect man whisper in my ears; "You complete me...."

My last day...

2008-01-08T00:40:00.000+09:00

The clock strikes 4.50am as I struggle to carry myself out of bed. I sigh...work again...so early with the dreaded long 40 minute walk. I silently crept to the bathroom and got ready for my long journey. The Saturday morning walks are usually uneventful as most of the drunken clubbers are found on Sunday mornings.

I stepped into the darkness at 5.05 am donning my purple jumpsuit for the cold weather. The long walk will warm me up somehow. I prepare my brain for the silent torture as it plays out the events of 2007 that still continues to haunt me. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of feet shuffling. My heart began to pulse a little faster and I turn my head behind me checking for any weird strangers. I see none and allow my mind to drift back to the dilemma in my mind. However, even though I should have been reassured, my pace has quickened a fair bit.

Seconds later, my deep contemplation was alerted by the sound of someone calling me. I panic as no one should even be awake at this ghastly hour; besides me. My quick pace turns into an almost jog, desperate to get away from the howling man. My mind reels the danger of possible rape, mugging or some drunk crazy guy looking to hurt me. I feared for my life and my safety.

It felt like the longest 6 minutes of my life as I lugged my bag close to my chest praying hard that God will spare me, looking for houses that I could dart into and hide. As I hear his footsteps approaching a run and his voice drawing closer to my attempt runaway, my prayers became more fervent and my darting eyes more urgent for an escape route. Fear gripped me as adrenalin and terror filled my body. I never once dared to turn to look back.

Soon, I heard his voice approaching almost as close as a whisper in my ear but my feet has reached the payment for the highway. He suddenly stopped chasing and I ran for my life away towards the bright lights and finally was able to turn round. At first I thought it was my imagination concocting some weird nightmare but as I see his face across the street staring at me walk away, I knew I was not dreaming.

As I continued to walk the further 30 minutes towards the store, my mind, soul and body was too numb to react. After my 10 hour shift, as I sat in the safety of my room, I realized that in exactly 24 hours I had to walk down that same road. I tried to ask my housemate to send me but she seems a little reluctant. She told me to face my fears.

As I prepared myself for the doom, I did all a person could do before a day that could change their life. I took out all my important stuff and locked it into a drawer. I carried nothing but a 10 dollar note, my phone and important phone numbers on a piece of paper. Yet, even so, I couldn't sleep. So, I called my ex boyfriend/best friend to say goodbye...in case anything happened. My concerns were answered with emotionless "uhuh's". My heart sank....a sleepless night to come.

The alarm once again beep 4.50 am. As I stepped out into the dark, I gripped my big bundle of hse keys til the blood rushed out. I prayed hard as I walked down the same path. My eyes darted around looking for anything suspicious. My heart raced 120 beats a minute. 10 minutes later, I reached the highway where he stopped. I felt relief wash over me but the worst is not over yet. I still had another 30 minutes to go. Soon I was safely in the warmth of the store. After holding it in for so long, I cried but no tears came. No time for that tho...there was work to do.

That night, as I lay in bed, the tears flowed. For the lost friendship, for the lost of safety, for the lost innocence, for the lost of faith in no fear. For what I thought could have been my last day alive.

Scandalous....

2008-01-02T19:11:00.000+09:00

He is 6 feet 2 inches and has the scruffiest of brown and red hair ever seen. With the even temper of a little cute bunny and the anger of a lion, he scares most of the people away. But a smile is always present for the dearest few and even snide comments made about him does not wipe away that 100megawatt smile. Driving a white ute that is utterly way too big for his frame, his never ending story telling cheers a boring day.

That is my new 'bloke' as most Australians would put it. He gets me to do things that I would not usually do. And some days he even gets me to take on his responsibilities which I enjoy deeply just to please him. Our love hate relationship towards the idiotic world surrounding us fuels many conversations. His plans for a going away party for yours truly before I leave makes the heart flutter and face blush.

He answers my phone calls with, "Hello my little chickadee!" while his mates tease him on about it. His sweet acceptance of how much he needs me makes me feel all the more proud of myself.

Sadly...there is a 'but' to this story.

For as you see, I did not know this relationship exists but only in the mind of my boss...my manager of that horrid petrol station. This is all but a part of his imaginary relationship which I would call as the "cry of the lonely". As he walked off towards the shops to buy dinner for himself alone that night in a beautiful house which is not his (but which he is house-sitting for) and a much anticipated walk around the neighbourhood which is also not his to call his own, I hear his words resounding in my mind; replaying itself, "...As long as I am happy, it doesn't matter if it is imaginary."

However, I do not see his attempts as pathetic for I feel life is interesting playing of such games. For even as there is no interest looming about in the air of the petrol station, at least smiles are about.

For Shakespeare once said,

"All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players..."
As You Like It, Act II, Scene 7, 139–42.[30]

So, why not? Right...why not? The world is dull enough with the mundane repetition of everyday work. So, why not make a stage of our life and play it out in the way we want it to. Someday, it might be a little more difficult with the multiple challenges bombarding our way but just, some days, wouldn't it be wonderful to laugh the humid uninteresting day away?

What say you?

New Year's Resolutions....

2007-12-28T18:12:00.000+09:00

It is exactly 26 minutes to the new year of 2008. A lot has happened in 2007 to make it such a horrific year I would want to forget and also cherish at the same time...the love-hate tragedy.

1. I fell in love and had to leave my love behind for my chase of education

2. Long distance relationships proved more challenging which resulted in him dumping me....and a world of depression followed..(right guys?)

3. Worked my butt off for many hours to pay for my fees

4. Did my first semester of masters with partially flying colours

5. Gained another 10 tonnes

6. Found God again

I guess there is nothing interesting....so 2008 will be different....

As last year I did not post my resolutions up or put it anywhere visible, but have gladly let it slip behind my desk into a dusty secluded and never to be seen place, this year I beg you to be my witness to all I want to do this year.

1. To make my blog's readership ten times what it is now...a measly 12 readers in 3 months. Not that I do not appreciate these 12 people who make all the difference to my world now.

2. Lose 15 kg

3. Get a new wardrobe for each season and stop dressing in the same clothes I did 2 years ago

4. Start up my new businesses

5. Travel Australia...or around Australia

6. Get a full time job

7. Earn enough for trips around the world, shopping and school fees without lending money from MOMMY and DADDY

8. Get involved in charity works

9. Be happier and maybe find myself a 'MAN'

Pray hard for me that I will be able to do what I want to do and what God leads me to. And also pray hard I get enough money to sustain my meager life akkaka.....

Happy New Year...off to sleep...work in 5 hours...*sigh*

Gay love...

2007-12-28T17:08:00.000+09:00

As I was sitting in the 40 degree stagnant windless heat waiting for the bus from work, I cringe disgustingly at the two girls sitting at the bus stand who has gladly placed their gigantic bag on the seat; blocking my ass from meeting great rest.

I swear silently and prayed hard that the bus would arrive soon. I turn back to give them another annoyed glare, but I saw something that made me swing back towards facing the road; rub my eyes hard, pinch myself in the arm and slap myself hard across the face.

So, what did I see?

Two pretty Hongkie girls holding hands, stroking each others' arms and gently whispering into each others' ears. On both their pinkie fingers held a white gold band in which I assume must be a 'promise/love' ring.

I turn around again to face them, determined that I was too tired and am very much delusional. What I see next shocked me a few steps away from them...making me jump towards the street amidst the honking of angry drivers.

One of the petite Chinese girls had lifted up her shirt while the other more boyish one in a pink CK baby-T applied lovingly some white cream from a silver tube. She gently stroked what I assume is sun block onto her fair but slightly scorched skin while her partner whines cutely bout the heat.

As my mind reels what I think is either the fantasy of my ex boyfriend or hard core lesbian porn, which by the way, at this point I guess many of you may already have a hard on. My mind cinema starts to play flashbacks of my failed relationships with men. As the two girls start to dry hump in public ( NOT!) ahhaha but rather whisper lovingly and cuddle closely while sharing a bottle of juice, the producer in me starts to conjure up scenarios of what might happen if I took my intimacy with women a little further than what it is now.

Most of my best friends know I am a very touchy feely person....even to the point of freaking out my ex boyfriend's best friend once. She thought I was hitting on her...akkakak. And I start thinking of possibilities for a relationship with a woman I am very close with now.

Option 1 - Miss A

Well, she is pretty and very much loving with her friends. Especially after having shared a bed with her, I wouldn't mind waking up to her morning breath. But she is not touchy feely enough. I guess a relationship with her would be...all so proper...very much British...akakakka. But she will make an excellent companion, I would have someone to accompany me everywhere and teach me new things everyday. There would be naked showers and skinny dipping in pools but all that fun won't go far with her commitment phobia. However, I know once she falls...she falls hard...so if anything did happen, it would be for life.

Option 2 - Miss B

Hmmm...we have been best friends for more than 5 years. And familiarity breeds intimacy, in my opinion anyway. She herself is very much experienced in the dealings of a woman, what else but a perfect partner she would be. She knows when to be gentle with me, and when to be stern in her ways. Oh well.....life would be so good then....

Sadly, these fantasies are just merely fantasies or just daydreaming of what might. For you see, I am not attracted to woman, (anymore?) and they are not too..to me anyway despite the several occasions of flirting. But wouldn't it be so nice if it was? The perfect partner in your best friend and she would know where your clit is kakakaka.

But then that would make life a little too simple right?

Sick again...

2007-12-27T21:40:00.000+09:00

Yes...I am sick again. The horrible 41 degrees heat for Christmas is getting to me. I am nauseous all the time, I don't feel like eating and my head is pounding. Is this good? I forced myself to eat and all I feel after eating is to puke whatever I ate. How do you stop this getting sick all the time?

And I hate summer like crazy. It is so hot and clammy. All I feel is sweat all the time...its horrific. Kill me now please!!!

Oh Christmas Eve....Oh Christmas Eve....

2007-12-24T09:57:00.000+09:00

9 am. I am awaken by the urgent need to pee. My mind screams curses at my persistent bladder. I want to go back to sleep. I try to mind-control it to stop wanting to pee. My efforts go down the drain as I walk towards the toilet. I sigh in relief when all is done and I can go back to sleep

....*sms tone*...

ARGH what now? I want to just ignore the sms and jump back into bed however my hands are too quick for my brain. The call of the unknown beckons better than the sweet lumber of sleep. It was an sms from my boss....asking me which days I am free to work. Wonderful...more hours of work for me...more money for my car, house and school fees next year. I have so many things planned and I need the grace of God to provide for it.

After the adrenaline rush phone conversation with clinging cash sounds in the background, I decided...what the hell...since I am awake, I might as well just be a good girl and stay awake. So here I am....10 am in the morning and so much has happened....

1. Christmas brekkie before work (just planning)
2. Christmas dinner after work ( just another plan...hahaha)
3. More work for me...Thank God...
4. Declaration of what I missed of last Christmas..(more like whinging to my best friend)

P.S. ~ Whinging = British and Australian Informal. to complain; whine.

Anyway, my revolutionary words today is that Christmas is best accompanied by people you love and care about. That is when Christmas becomes amazing, it becomes more than the presents and the eggnog and the eating. It is when you feel the Christmas cheer right through the heart flowing through the soul and shining through your smile. When we were younger, it was family...the people who fed and clothed and comforted you. As you grow older and the span of distance becomes a challenge, you rely on really close mates to bring about the same cheer...somehow it is more exciting and drunk but it is never the same. Then, you meet the special someone, the witness to your bland boring life, and you feel the same 'perfect-fit' warmth of home and Christmas again. But no matter which, you have to experience them all because they are all part of the wonderful walk of growing up.....

So, if you are with family, enjoy all the weird questions and nagging....
If you are with mates, shag up and drink up and laugh til your bellies burst
...and.. If you are with that someone special, snuggle and declare your appreciation of the love you both have that made everyday so much more amazing.

Merry Christmas people.....

Plea for help...

2007-12-23T22:52:00.001+09:00

Dear Father God,

I do not want to be that girl. The girl once dumped and unloved and pathetic. I want to be what I can be best at...to do great things for You and for me. So please help me stand up again and walk. Eventually, maybe I will run again. After that, maybe the smiling comes about. And some day maybe, to love again.

But, God, please be gentle as I am fragile and vulnerable like a little child. Take me into your arms and gently guide me the right way. I need you now, more than ever. Especially on your birthday. Come celebrate it with me! I guarantee good food and deep conversation, some laughs on my part and maybe a little crying here and there.

Help me to look into the mirror again and bring hope back into my vocabulary. Allow me to pursue dreams which I use to believe in. And Lord, please make sure you keep away all the yucky people who make me feel yucky. Just for the next few days so I don't keep waking up with puffy crying-all-night eyes. Thank you...

Amen!

P.S. ~ Pretty please make my 'acting happy' actually 'being happy'. Thanks loads...muax

Sad Christmas...

2007-12-22T21:15:00.000+09:00

I miss home....and its sad to know that everything I worked for was a lie.

*sigh*

Dear Lord,

Please give me something to believe in. Show me that this world is more than a web of lies and deception. Reveal to me the pure heart of someone who cares beyond their own selfish desires. Let me see with my own eyes that there is such a thing as heart-felt love that truly is to live to complete the other. Show me someone sincerely different. Bless the heart of mothers who actually do love this way...as I now see love like this going extinct. Please and thank you!

Amen.

Ugly scar...

2007-12-18T23:24:00.001+09:00

Wounds don't heal entirely...most of the time it leaves a scar. A gentle reminder of the pain that was once held. However, with the heart it is harder to see...but also harder to heal. Most wounds heal within a few hours to a few days but left untreated, it gets worst and infected.

Doesn't that happen to the heart too? When I leave my heart ignored, telling myself that I am fine...am I really leaving the wound to rot and heal on its own...untreated? Do I scratch at it while it is healing..leaving it exposed to the horrible elements of bacteria?

I am in pain....and I hide it. Everyday, every time. Because everyone says so. Because they say it is the best way to move on. To heal. To get better. To put it into the past is the best way. Because like something someone said, "Why should you continue crying over someone who has walked away? Why waste the precious time over something that won't return?"

So therefore, I am confused. Because my brain says one....and it also agrees with two. So where do I go from there?

Then, I start thinking about it. There are moments when it was so wonderful and all I can think about is being with him again. But when I focus on the bad parts, I feel as if maybe I can move on.

I remember that one time he felt angry because I wanted to share a birthday party with him because I missed mine as I was in the hospital. And so he refused to get me a cake and no one sang happy birthday for me. And I took it all because I loved him. But when he told me his reasoning, that I did not deserve one because my birthday had passed....I feel betrayed, unloved.

The second incident was when I told him to promise to be with me the whole Christmas day but he ended up going to play computer games with friends. And despite me telling him how important it is to be together, he decided that playing war craft was more exciting.

But that is focusing on the bad, while the good times were endless.....enjoying jet-skiing, watching his successes, going on holidays. And I remember the times we smiled and laughed and loved.

So when is the line drawn? When is it time to say it is worth it? And I know that he has said it is not worth it...I am not worth it. Then, why am I still saying it is worth it? Today, I am angry....because I wonder if all I did was nothing. Then other days I long to be together again. I pray that God guide me in the right path. Because choosing the wrong one is going to be horrible. And He has been so faithful...pulling me out of the gutter at the times I am in deep trouble.

I pray He allow me to say goodbye for the last time, if it is the last time.....and that I will be able to feel that I am worth it again...because I am...

God loves me...and made me beautiful. And because I have been rejected like a stinky rotten egg doesn't make me one as I am a wonderful treasure of God...

AND EVERYONE SAYS....AMEN!!!!

To know me...& love me....

2007-12-16T21:33:00.000+09:00

The amazing thing about finding the best of love, the great match is when you found someone who knows you and still wants to love you after that. Haha as I was saying, everyone (at least me) has a 'screwed up' side to them. The part that thinks too much, that conjures up weird plots and that one that imagines stabbing a knife in the heart of that annoying person...the part you try to hide from the world.

Then striped naked to the core (please stop thinking dirty by now k!) of what and who you are, that person still can smile genuinely at you and exclaim in awe at your beauty...that is a gem. Isn't that so great...how great relationships and friendships can come from just loving....truly loving! But, I do admit, it is hard and really difficult to find *sigh*

But on a lighter note, I found what I may call, the best feeling in the world, the ultimate orgasmic sensation. Sadly for you guys, its not sex...haahah. It is riding in a car, windows down and blasting 60's and 70's music. Letting the Beatles sooth your soul, the Beach Boys croon their love songs and allow the heart to be healed by Elvis. Watching the Perth scenery pass you by and you feel the cool breeze chilling your face...that is part of Heaven. *contented sigh*

I am very much a loner and while at some times I find joy in a wholesome conversation with friends, the most part I find that just "feeling" is the greatest sensation in the world and last nite as I was high on lack of sleep, I felt my soul and heart pour out into the songs playing on the radio flowing into the world aura...combining my pain with the pain of those out there too...a synchronized party of tortured souls.

Haha a little too deep...or crazy...! But yea...isn't life so great sometimes.......

To be or not to be....

2007-12-13T23:35:00.000+09:00

Accidents are horrible things. Most of the time it is both person's fault...some times it is one blur person hitting a stationary object but some unfortunate times, it is one person's fault that causes harm to many people. And here, in my blog and me personally, there is no judgment....seriously!

But there comes a time where you have to decide...justice or personal safety. And 2 days ago, I was met with that dilemma that turned my eyes away from negative disgust into positive awe of law enforcers. As many blame the police for their lack of competence in maintaining the law in the country, I stand by the fact that they are doing their best...but still in need of improvement as everything else in the world. I see what they have to go through daily and I see the care they put into dealing with some horrendous issues. My salutes to them....*salute*

A fellow regular customer pulls up into my driveway at the petrol station. Soon after, he backs out of the driveway. I find it suspicious but on the other hand glad to be rid of a customer and more work. Moments later, I hear screaming. His wife and kid races into the store pretending to look around but fearfully staring out the door every 5 seconds.

My mind draws up the conclusion that a fight is breaking out between her husband and some other guy. I conjure up scenarios of me bravely walking out, waving my personal duress alarm, warning them to stop fighting or I will call the cops. As I muster up the bravery to do so, two figures in blue walk past me followed by screaming from 'husband'. Too late for me to be a hero...the police were here. And the screams were for them...claiming mis-arrest.

Half an hour later of screaming and shouting from one side and patient talking from police, his car rego plate was taken and the police drive off. I wonder if the car is a stolen vehicle. The 'wife' and 'kid' walks of towards home....and the man enters his rego plate-less car and drove off. His 'wife' seemed pissed.

10 minutes later the police return to find the car and its residents missing. My co-worker and I refuse to look at them hoping they do not ask us for a statement regarding the police harassment screaming issue...more hassle than it is. However, the issue was more urgent. Because the man drove off and he did not have a license...the only way to catch him for a higher offense was so that we make a statement he drove a car without a license plate. The unfortunate part was that the police were not able to catch him red handed for it.

As the police officer politely ask me if I would like to give a statement, my heart beats faster and my palms feel sweaty due to the close proximity to a P-O-L-I-C-E O-F-F-I-C-E-R. I felt uncomfortable and scared of making him mad. Sadly, I did not know....if I should be a witness or not. If I do, as a regular customer, he knows me and he can bash me up any day plus get away with it. But if I don't, I am letting free a man who can one day hurt many innocent people in the freeway.

Sadly, I said NO and to this day feel like a horrible guilty injustice freak. What would you have done?

Hatred...

2007-12-10T10:14:00.000+09:00

There are a lot of things in life that I hate...like;

When an old cranky man comes into the store insulting my math abilities when I accidentally short change him.

When some random crazy maniac poops at the bus stop.

When a drunken weirdo starts hitting on me.

When I have to work horrible shifts that I do not like.

When split ends start occurring at the tips of the hair due to winter.

When someone stole the last bread and egg off my shelf.

When I get random allergies because I do not know what I am allergic to.

But then, the things that I hate the most is the things I cannot control. And it pains me, pains me so so much, to not deal with them in the direct and honest way I do it...point blank open heart surgery.

See, with the things stated above, I can so something about it (even when I sometimes don't) but at least knowing in a way that you can take control of it one way or another...steering the course of its future at the point of time you think about it.

But, when there is something that involves more than what can be controlled, the mind has to wait, the actions is suspense for the right time and place.

It is here that I am utterly lost.....the need for all the junk of waiting when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs declaring revelation.

Christmas rantings....

2007-12-08T12:08:00.001+09:00

Someone said this, so so so romantic...

"Kiss me under the mistletoe, and all will be forgotten.
Take me into your arms, and we will erase the past.
Tell me you love me, and forever is more than a dream."

Another friend stated;

"All I want for Christmas is YOU, baby, standing at my front door"

While another chimed in saying,

"I just know I love him and its all I ever want for Christmas...but Santa doesn't exist and dreams are not always fulfilled; so that's life for you!"

As Christmas approaches, especially in such an Anglo country, you feel the stress of the celebration heading towards you. As I will be working on Christmas day, I feel no attachment and anticipation for that special day. I miss home and I miss certain people but to be not there with them just makes the day a little more dull.

However, Christmas has become my conversation starter with every customer and I pray all their Christmas wish list comes true...unless one of them is to 'dominate-the-world'. I pray for all the happiness in the world and while I may be sitting alone in the store on that day, I pray for the Christmas cheer to warm the hearts of everyone.

What I did not expect was that, with the title of Christmas also comes the talk of love, and thus all the rantings as you see above. But hey....its a great time of the year, why not celebrate the wonders of magical love!

So to all, Merry Christmas 'to-be' and let the cheer of love & giving warm our hearts this month!

Laden with guilt and fear...

2007-12-07T12:00:00.000+09:00

Truth #2: I am feel fearful and guilty all the time

I believe that guilt brings us away from the things that matter most to us. For me, I admire those who can continue to stand by and be close to the one person you know whose opinion matters and that when you did something wrong, is able to look the person in the eye and say, "Yes I know I am making a mistake but I choose it and am willing to face the consequences for it. But despite it all, I still love you and I know you do!".

This is a powerful and mature statement. If only I can abide by it. I am so driven by approval that I never allow myself to get out of line, and if I do, I hide it til the cows come home. A very unpleasant feeling..

Today, I aspire to not allow fear and guilt be my guide. I will be who I am and be proud of it.

No. 1 - I like snacks and I will not hide them anymore in the nook & cranies in my room because I can feel the judgemental eyes accompanying the 'that's-why-you-fat' philosphy.

No. 2 - Just because I sin does not mean I have to backslide and be angry at God. He still loves me no matter what, and I should be close to Him and not feel guilty for what I did but slowly learn thru His motivation.

No. 3 - I will send out the resumes that I meant to send out and not be afraid of rejection. I will be brave.....and not think I am not good enough.

So, today, with you as my witness, I will improve........

Intruder alert!

2007-12-02T23:29:00.000+09:00

My house was broken into yesterday. And I am freaked! I do not feel safe at all everyday and I am afraid to be alone. I wake up in the morning dreading to go out my room door...afraid of every sound and shadow lurking about.

I work at 5am every weekend. So, on Friday nights my housemates and I are usually busy with cell group. However, that Friday I decided to come home a little later than usual. As I reached home at midnight, I see the lights on in the shower and my other housemate sleeping like a log. I think nothing of it...everything seems fine.

I come home and instantly fell asleep in account of my early start in a few hours. In that 4 hours and 50 minutes I was sleeping, a thief broke the glass of the window in my living room and rampage through looking for stuff to steal. We closed the door joining the living room to the bedrooms. Thank God we were safe and unharmed....

In the morning at 5 am as I walked out of the room into the kitchen, I find myself feeling scared and unsafe...which is unusual for little brave me! I saw that the TV cupboard was open and the DVD player was missing but I just assumed it was my housemate who took it and kept it in her room...

So, off I was to another horrid day at the petrol station. At 10 am, I check my phone to 2 miss calls from my housemates. I was worried and called back despite company regulations. They broke the news and my mind goes into a whirlpool. I feel bad for not noticing it earlier...

I tried to get off work earlier but there was no one to cover my shift. Many endless hours of worry and frustration later, I am finally able to asses the damage. Broken window and dirty footprints all over the house.

Forensics has been at work earlier...taking finger prints but telling us of the low chances of finding the criminal. I then arranged for the agent to replace the window and await news from the police.

Despite it all, I am very afraid....I cant sleep peacefully anymore. Any moment I find myself looking at the door or window....I just don't want to sleep alone anymore. The stress from it all is taking its toll. Now, I only sleep when I am tired..the only time I am able to sleep. All I am wishing for is that I can have a nice long nap in the arms of him again...but I know it is not possible....so I am praying that God sends His warm arms to surround me so I can finally feel safe again.

Being honest with myself...

2007-11-25T17:04:00.000+09:00

To really grow..a woman has to be honest with herself. Strip away all the mask that make them who they are. From young, we look upon that mask of make-up and jewels and pretty clothes and flirty smiles but fail to look at the person underneath all that.

When you see a pretty hot babe, you think wow....cute ass. But we never see them for their sad eyes or burdened heart. Lately I begin to see beyond all these, the exterior mode of pretense beauty and charm. I look straight into their eyes, seeing a little of my pathetic self which I detest. But it is not to say they are pathetic, more of a salutation to their strength.

Truth #1

I like to eat. It is my comfort food. When I am sad, I eat. And it is bad....the cause of my overweight self.

However, talking bout pretty girls...I had a really funny/weird story to tell.

Last Saturday, as I did my open at the petrol station. I was greeted by a very early customer. Clubbing victims. I hate these customers because they are always drunk. This time...it was a couple. He comes in demanding cash out and I said he needed to purchase something first before I could process through his transaction. Minutes later jumps in a hot bimbo girl asking if we had hot food. I apologetically said no. I understand the need for food after a drunken night.

While she whines away, she starts pulling at her top...a halter that barely covers her breast. *pop* Lo and behold, her tits pop out...nipples erect for all, me & cameras to see. She did not seem to notice and I knew she would not care if I told her of this. I, myself, was embarrassed for her. I felt heat rushing to my face as I turned my face away. And as she was bouncing around the store, boobs showing, I noticed something weird. Her breasts do not bounce as she jumps around. It was rigid like agar-agar and not movable like jell-o. OHHHH...plastic surgery at such a young age? I was shocked and amazed.

It seemed she had it all...a eventful party life, a great body and a greater looking boyfriend. But she did not! Sadly, as she walked out dejected after a passionate kiss with him in front of me, he looked at me in despair saying, "Have you ever experienced one of those nights where you get so drunk and you don't know how you got stuck with her?"

I felt sorry for the girl. Despite her horrendous bimbo acts, she is just a woman in want of attention and love. And even drunk and all available....she is unwanted. How could he have kissed her so lovingly yet seconds later utter his disgust for her.

Life is difficult...beautiful or not!

Sick...

2007-11-24T21:27:00.000+09:00

At this moment of time when my body is heating up, taste buds are blend and my body is too weak to move....there are two places I wish to be. A home where mommy will take care of me...yummy food...maybe omit the nagging. The other one would be to be in his loving arms....placing a bowl of instant noodles when I wake up...knowing I am safe.

But I do not have both. However, I can surely say I am independent. Here I am...alone in my home...walking around drowsy with really yucky soup which I made. But whatever happens I know I will survive.

It is one of those sickness where you just wanna down ten million panadols and sleep all day. But with work and the stupidly hot weather...both doesn't seem appealing; but maybe the panadol would be a good idea.

Talking about getting sick...I remember all those times I got sick and why to this day I never like being alone when I am sick.

8 years old...

My first high fever. I was confined to my room and to test how sick I was my mom would ask me to spell 'butterfly'. Each time I got it wrong...I had to drink a pot of foul tasting Chinese herb thingie. And each time...repeated I would get it wrong. I used to curse (in the most innocent way) how idiotic I was to get the same word wrong so many times. When I finally got it right 6 pots later, my mom said I was doing loads better.

13 years of age...

Chicken pox. I was confined to my parents' room...the only air conditioned room in the whole house. As I was so old when I got my chicken pox, everything was fairly more difficult. The poxes were everywhere and bleeding profusely, I was too sick to move. And all I had to entertain me was the tiny TV and a lonesome book. My lunch and dinner consist of mee sua(soft glass noodles) with vegetables. 2 weeks later, I was sick of the food I was eating and finally I was getting better so my mom added meat in it. And since I was so contagious, my mom was the only one who saw me. Everyone stood at the door once in a while to say hi. It was a horrid moment...especially looking in the mirror at my moon crater face. But at least I got off my KH assignment.........and no school for a month...YEAH!

1 years ago...

I had him. Overtired from exams again. He made sure I slept while he was next to me. The sweetest moment of all was waking up to a bowl of yummy instant noodles he made just for me. It was a warm feeling of content. A experience I know many happy lovers and couples out there have felt....

Now...

My housemates who complain I am never home when they need me is now nowhere to be seen. Me, who always love food, suddenly refuse to eat the bowl of soup made with love by yours truly. I feel it is bland and tasteless. But my comfort is the bible by my bed and the tv near by. However, this time it is a little boring as elections is on.....and politics is not my forte and reading makes my head ache. Mr. Panadol fills the gap of Mr. Right and the fan doesn't seem cool enuough. Because all those years I have been pampered by having someone around when I was sick to care and love me, today I feel the loss of them. I miss mommy and I miss having someone. But whichever way, I am growing up, and its time for me to not depend so much on them....

Time to grow up....akakakkaka.....God help me and guide me pls!

Urgh....sick!

2007-11-20T01:56:00.000+09:00

The headache is constant. There is not a moment that passes without my throbbing head getting in the way. My weariness of sleeping non stop especially during the exam week is killing me. I am cranky, and pissed at everyone.

I am praying that I am not sick as my full alertness is required for my last exam in 6 hours. But I know, finally after that, I am able to admit I am sick and exhausted. Yet, work greets me in another 24 hours. Does it ever end? I sigh. My only answer to everything recently.

Exams & headaches the size of Cancun!

2007-11-19T01:57:00.000+09:00

Sorry for the lack of updates...been stressed with exams and working. I am utterly exhausted and like Michael Buble puts it..."Women do get weary!".

I was going thru a rough week especially knowing he was so close by and wishing I was there to help him through everything. But because I am not...I feel as if the world is talking on the same wave lengths. I am a vivid fan of Kenny Sia and just a few days ago he said and I qoute;

"But what seperates the kind of fights that break relationships and the ones that make couple grow closer together is how you resolve it, and also how sincere you are in resolving it.

Every couple fights. But every fight is also an opportunity to get everything you want out of your system and to learn more about one another. Every cold war is a time for us to reflect on our own actions and our partner's words. After that, there should be a phone call or a text. No matter how stubborn a person is, no one can be so stubborn until they'd turn down a chance to genuinely compromise, reconcile, and make things better."

And I think about the moment when I became not worth resolving the fights anymore. That it was just too much work for him to work things out. And I sighed....

Minutes later, I googled up "How do you stop loving someone who doesnt love you?". Yes...the wonders of google...

And I found myself shocked at answers I dread even admitting it might be true.

Tressie said "Guess what? Sometimes you never stop loving that person and you may even love that person until the day you die. Hard to face the truth, but if you truely did love someone it will never go away. We go on with our live's and maybe just maybe we can get through a day with out thinking of him or her. It is called survival!"

With that...I was speechless.....

-to be continued-

3000 km away...

2007-11-14T23:48:00.000+09:00

He is here...in the same continent as me. And he did not call to inform me or to ask me if I wanted to drop by or if he could drop by. And my heart crushes to bits knowing he is 3000 km away but his heart is even further from me.

And I love him. Hard core, forever strong, 'I am always fine' Erin falls deeply in love with a man who no longer loves her. This Erin....the same woman that keeps telling herself she doesn't need a man in her life. She thought she was better and she could survive. Then, a handsome man shakes her boat....telling her its ok to let love in...and she did.

She finally felt the perfect safety net - cuddling together; the one thing place where she doesn't need a mask, knowing she doesn't have to take care of everything all the time...that she doesn't have to be perfect and strong all the time. She felt safe and happy. And some days she curse at God for taking it away. Some days she begs God to give it back. But most days she just cries knowing she will never feel it again.

Then, the next morning, eyes swollen and having slept alone....longing all thru the sleepless night to feel his arms around her again...she puts her mask back on. Ready to take on the world and thinking if she focus on her other dreams ( where in fact the truth pales in comparison of her one true dream of being with him ) she might some how survive and put behind the heart break and horrible-ness of how life feels.

And this makes me...all the more pathetic and weak.....right?

---------------------- An hour later --------------------------

A friend points out what I am doing to myself is bad for me. Working every day and studying and sleeping only 4-5 hours during exam week is going to cost me. But I don't have enough time to earn that amount for next semester and I gotta study too...I can't fail.

So here I am...confronted that my mask is not working. Being told that I cannot do it all. But the problem is....I do it because it is the only way I can do it. I HAVE TO do it all...because who is going to catch me if I fall? Who?

*silence abounds*

No one right? Not even the guy who told me forever. So, someone tell me, if I don't do it all....how then? Who will cover up my slack...who will pick up from where I left off....who....no one but lonely old me....

Swollen feet...

2007-11-09T18:40:00.002+09:00

Red swollen feet soaking in a white tub of cold water. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH the ultimate relief for pain after a whole week of standing at my counter, being a sweet little Asian cashier chick.

But it is not that fun...

-SCENE-

Mornings start at 5am with a long tedious walk in the dark for 40 minutes. Then pursues a long hour of weight lifting...milk cartons and tonnes of newspapers. The muscles are already aching by then and the stomach rumbles for food. In between all that, I must be perky and smile an excited greeting to every customer that walks in.

By mid day, my smile is weakening and my body wilts from the agony of torture. An attractive lady emerges from a beautiful white sleek Mercedes. She walks up to the counter...grabs a newspaper and presents it to me. I grab it to scan and smiles politely, giving her my cheerful 'good mornings'. She passes me a 50 dollar note. I curse inwardly....the paper is only 2 dollars babe. At least buy something else to help the transaction. Irritation sets in but my smile is plastered on tight. She offers no thank you and walks away with her change. 3 minutes later, she comes in demanding that I have not given her the right change. I smile politely, indicating that I did. She screams in anger and demands loudly while other customers look on. I look at what she has in her hand...it was short by 70 cents. I gave her another 70 cents cursing again at the fact that I will have to supply 70 cents from my wallet.

As she grabs the change rudely to go...she drops a two dollar coin into the chocolate shelf. She asks me for another..I refuse this time as I have given the right change into her hands and it is her responsibility to hold on to it. She throws a tantrum and shoves all the chocolate to the floor. I am pissed but I say nothing. My mind playing a horror scene of slapping her beautiful face to pieces. She storms away angry....and the 2 dollar coin falls from her jacket.

I smile..."IDIOT!" I think. The customer waiting laughs at her outburst. Screams after her in a sarcastic tone, "HAVE A NICE DAY!". After serving the other customers, I am now kneeling on the floor stacking the chocolate display she has destroyed deliberately in her tantrum.

I shake my head...sadden by how one has matured in years but still has a brain of a 5 year old. Money indeed does not make one better...and in her case....left her standing in grade school in her cute pig tails. I might have a horrible job...but I can smile and laugh at her stupidity. She...I don't think she will ever learn....or ever grow up....

What do you think?

Darkness....

2007-11-08T20:12:00.000+09:00

This is what I do not understand. Are women really that clueless in house electronics? A few months ago...my housemates tried to change the light bulb in the toilet. We were not successful. Then, a few minutes later, room no.2 decided to change her yellow light bulb to a white light one. Later on, the lights in room no.1 crashed. When the four girls in my house attempted to change that one, we once again failed. The next day, an electrician had to be called and the landlord warned us never to touch a light bulb-that he "lived nearby enough to be called if anything needed to be changed".

We heeded his advice, initially. Then, we got bored of waiting. Oh well...tenant in room no.2 anyway. So she changed her light bulb on her own. Outcome...you guessed it? I am sitting in darkness, illuminated only by the light of my laptop and a small desk lamp...all the lights in the house blew. This is not my idea of how I was going to study...ARGH...horror!

Are we women really that clueless when it comes to the men's department? Or are we just plain dumb?

I always prided myself on being an independent woman of the modern age. I have run a house practically on my own...assembling furniture when other men have given up. Yet, today, I am faced with the dilemma that maybe I am not really 'all-that'.

Do we really need men? Are we weak damestrels in distress waiting to be saved?

My answer to these questions is reflected on the face of my angry landlord and his sour face as money is sucked from his wallet as he pays the electrician the first time around. Tomorrow, I am glad that I am working and not here to see his heart crumble from the damage.

Back home in Malaysia....I was the 'man'. Literally. I am serious...do not laugh! My dad and bro...both always too busy to help out in the house. So mom depends on me to fix stuff. Yet today on my own I am lost. Worried and dreaming of someone to sweep me off my aching feet.

Do you think there comes a time where a woman's body give up on trying so hard to be independent because it is time for her eggs to be hatched? Is it like clock-work that our physical anatomy reflects what we emotionally yearn for? Were men actually right when they said we women couldn't live without them?

I refuse to think so. For me...it is hard enough to ask for a ride from someone. Even if that means walking around in the dark for 40 minutes..I still refuse..maybe because of pride but mostly I think it is from my upbringing that I am not worth the trouble. Sorry mom! Haha family issues akkakak...low self esteem. But if we keep looking for the handsome prince on the white horse....then we risk missing the cute guy in the monkey suit jumping around or just the wonders of beach and sun with girl friends....whichever way I guess we just try to survive. With or without a man!!!

Invisible Hulk....

2007-11-04T20:32:00.000+09:00

Ever felt that you were invisible? That people walk pass you and not see you? Well...for your information...my height is 4 feet 11 inches. And that is a height easy for oversight. A jumping midget waving hi at you from such a height would not get your attention.

Besides being such a shortie...hahaha...some time or maybe most of the time I feel like I blend into the background. Some people have a hard time not fitting in because they are too outstanding, my problem is that I fit in too well....that no one seems to notice me.

So unless I turn into a gigantic green man with muscular arms the size of Tokyo, I still remain...short and unnoticed. And it hurts...hurts real bad.

It hurts bad when people seem to want to erase you from the past. As if you were not worth remembering. That any trace of my tyranny would cause defect to something good. I reached out to a friend in time of need, my good intention once again fall on unfertile ground...deletion.

I try so hard to be happy. So hard....and I seem to blend in better to the pink and white walls around me. Why am I so good at lying? Why so great at hiding? So great til I am unseen. Can you imagine...I have been in my church for a year...and till today people think I am a first time visitor. Such bliss maybe...that they dun bug me for stuff kakakak.

See...there are some good and bad to this....but mostly I just want it to mean something to somebody. I want to have touched someone's heart. Why is it that I remember every detail of how someone has touched my life? But I have not touched anyone's life at all.....

Sadly (with tears flowing down my cheeks and irritation at a girl who won't mind her business), almost 2 years together and I did not touch any heart...what does that mean? I am forgotten?

Italian fantasy...

2007-11-03T21:24:00.000+09:00

I remember a promise I made to my super duper best friend a few years ago...to explore the high society of Italy with him...bringing along our love of our lives.....and just enjoying the wonders of Italy. *btw I still remember it k*

And as usual Friday comes with the expectation of a great dinner with great company. Yes...cell group...loads of "too-much-food" and fantastic conversation. This time we decided to venture into an italian restaurant somewhere I do not know.

Food....first rate WOW fantastic. Atmosphere....mind blowing orgasm! It was that great. This was the utter reminder of why I always loved Italy. The moment you step into the restaurant, you will be greeted with; a friendly smile, loud noises, shouting voices and a heavy cloud of cheese & cream. My first reaction was to choke from the claustrophobia...imagine an ant colony of millions in a small little test tube. That is how I felt in that over-crowded restaurant.

As I squeezed my fat ass into a cramped seat, my eyes start wondering around..eying the hot waiters and exquisite paintings on the wall...not to mention the laminated newspaper review wrapped around pasta...cliche. The two owners are roaming the room, making jokes with clients and hitting on pretty girls using their romantic italian...blurring them out of their phone numbers. Their pizza delivery guy enters the room and they pat him on the back. Now, that is what I call staff relations.

Dinner was amazing....plates of calzone, pizza, ravioli, cream pasta and bolognese sat in front of me. I had a piece of everything. Some...not all k....I am not that greedy. Time for cute waiter to come gather the plates....and he starts flirting with little missy on my right...

Missy on right: Excuse me...here you go! (she hands him the remaining plates)
Cute waiter: Oh thanks...you have great potential to be a waiter.
Me: (the busy body as usual) Any openings available for her?
Cute waiter: I don't think guys have any openings.
Girls around me: *shocked look* (so inappropriate!)

I almost wanted to scream at him..."So where does your pee and shit come from? No opening...ish ish!"

But I refrained myself. It would have been a funny joke at a different circumstance. Maybe if he didn't say it with such a straight face, it wouldn't have given us such horrific heart attacks...

Dream, Dream, Dream!

2007-10-30T15:44:00.000+09:00

I am...utterly...MORTIFIED, SURPRISED, ELEVATED, SCARED, SHOCKED, SMITTEN...by the fact that whatever I write here is actually read by people...alive kicking human beings that have a mind of their own. And they willingly chose to read my blog and I deeply appreciate your time and effort, my dear silent and non-silent readers.

No one ever thank you guys for your support. Not many anyway. And I dearly and sincerely thank you for everything. Thanks for all the advice. And I will try to be happier!!

Ever wondered why is it in our dreams that the most ridiculous and unbelievable thing happens? Why is it in real life these amazing things doesnt occur but seem like an endless nightmare?

I was dressed in a Hong Kong movie university student cute girl outfit with the extremely short skirt. I seemed to have dropped 30 pounds and look as sexy as Heidi Klum at a 4' 11" height. I am utterly smitten with the hunky Indian man ahead of me dragging me into a "ridiculously-from-a-Jackie-Chan-movie" Chinese restaurant. His hand grips mine in a perfect fit. A fit I recognize but can't seem to put a name to.

All I see is his sexy back & butt...(haahha *blush* embarassed!) but I don't seem to know his name. I try to call out random lovey dovey nicknames beckoning him to slow down yet there is no response but a utter determination to find a seat in this crowded restaurant. I needed to know the name of this familiar man. I dig my heels into the ground and halted to a stop. He turns and smiles at me with this amazing 1000 megawatt smile. He hugs me close and lowers his face for a kiss. It's him...the guy of my dreams...as a Indian??? Huh???

In the midst of me asking who he was....his lips close against mine...and *poof*

Yes...*poof*(white fog and all)...I was transported into United States, at a political campaign debate.
I was in a sexy Audrey Hepburn outfit that I have always dreamed of wearing. I was standing next to a incredibly handsome white candidate...who looks kinda like my dream man. He was reading a speech I wrote. He din seem too happy. The audience were not responding positively to what I wrote. My mind went, "Oh no! I'm screwed."

As the clock clicked noon, the crowd broke apart and I braced myself for a scolding or maybe beating. This guy dragged me across the room into a secluded corner. What's with the dragging!?! He stood before me and asked me if I had any of the other more experienced staff read the speech. I gulped my guilty "No". He blows up into a violent temper, speaking of my stupidity and ignorance. Tears well up in my eyes and his angry gestures grow gentle. He walks up to me and gently strokes my face, in a freakishly familiar way. I tense up as he tells me its a stressful time for him, explaining that I should not allow my pride and fear of asking questions to get in the way of the campaign's objectives. He then pulls me close for a kiss...

And I woke up!
Utterly sexually frustrating, don't you think? What do you think that means? Those men was the man of my dreams...as an Indian and an American?? Weird!!!

Love movies...

2007-10-24T11:13:00.001+08:00

I believe all Korean love stories should be banned from people like me...yes...depressed ex girlfriends who still is utterly in love with a man who suddenly one day decided he did not love her anymore.

I don't understand how Koreans are able to portray love in such a pure manner. I cry while watching the 12 wonderful movies slot into one DVD. I am a sadist, very much the believer of love. I believe that cupid still roams the world finding the two true souls; and shoots their hearts together. That is why when there is a break-up, both hearts tear in pain from the separation. And I also shamefully believe that cupid might be a friend of God.

Here is how a Korean love story would go:
One would fall for the other but silently keep it in their hearts. But somehow fate would bring them together despite any loathing or barriers present. And they would fall madly in love and live happily ever after. And even if they don't live happily ever after, they would add an additional 10 minutes to the movie to show that the man/woman has returned to their chosen loved one.

I had many dates before this. My friends know of my many disasters. And I used to be an Amazon woman. My definition of Amazon woman is that someone who doesn't believe in love, hate men and literally find men the scum of the earth.

Then he appeared in my life. First as that cute geeky white boy in choir. Who seemed to really connect with me. Truthfully I was jealous that he kept talking to my best friend, when in fact he was talking to her about me. People told me that I liked the attention which is why I fell for him. But the truth falls far from that tree, I liked him the moment I realised he was such a great friend. I felt the instant chemistry but resisted it because I was afraid of my friends teasing me.

Seriously why do we resist what is good for us when we are afraid of what people might say? I am sad that all that time together I could not explain why I was willing to give it all to him. And now that he doesn't want to talk to me ever....I can't tell him that I do love him with all my heart and that no matter what I won't stop loving him. My best friends think I am an idiot, saying all these crazy things. But deep down despite all the dates and one ex boyfriend before him, some more successful ones , I din give in. But to him I did. Because I knew...he was and is the 'one' cupid shot my heart for!

And because I am also an idiot...I constantly bug him to remind him of that because I am afraid he forgot. Forgot what it was like to be happy together. Forgot how it felt being complete in each others arms. And I broke his patience for me. Now, he hates me. Like hitting the bitter core of a sweet fruit. I am a goner...thrown in the dumps.

Would he return to me like those Korean love stories? *sigh*

2007-10-21T23:15:00.000+08:00

I am utterly convinced no one reads my depressing blog...trust me...I wouldn't either. I should change the blog title to boring and depressing Haha. Therefore, with that assumption, I will rant my heart out and do not have to worry what people is thinking after reading all these.

I hear Salsa music in the background. The man I am dancing with pulls me close. I feel an instant attraction to him but his presence seems a little too overwhelming for me. I look around seeking for help. I see the handsome face of the man I dream of daily. His hands are loving caressing a beautiful girl called A. He looks into her eyes intently and seem to pull her closer when I gaze at him for help. I hear my heart breaking into pieces. I know he did not notice.

I struggle to pull further away from the man I am dancing with yet I am enticed by his wicked looking eyes. I am sweating all over and the clammy warm heat surrounding us threatens to make me puke. I feel my flesh burning up as if a fever was approaching. He leaned forward for a kiss. I was drawn to him like a magnet. He kissed me and I felt fire on my lips. What passion! At that same instant, I smelt flesh burning.

I open my eyes..."AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH", I scream inwardly. I have been dancing with the devil himself. I am burning in a pungent smelling fire of evil. My beloved dance further with his precious. I call out but my cries fall on deaf ears. Maybe I deserve this...the pain and the fire. God created beautiful people....and I was the defect. There is no use for a defected toy unable to fulfill its purpose so its time to be thrown into the waste basket of hell.

Instinct?

2007-10-19T18:54:00.000+08:00

Girl talk. She was sitting in front of me amidst pizza, chips and juice. A Korean love story plays in the background. I tell her of my life. She tells me of hers. I tell her bout my skin condition. She understands...she has sensitive skin too. She vaguely knows what's going on in my head.

That is what I assumed. Boy..was I wrong! She looked me in the eye, staring straight to the core of my emotion.

She gently asks, "Are you sad that its not terminal?"

I was shocked at her question. My hand swings up to slap her overly beautiful face for such an insult. But I stop mid air. I knew what she was asking was what I really felt. Despite her blurness, she knew me well. Only after meeting her 3 months ago, but she knew me....inside out.

I sigh, and answer; "Yes. Just a little...maybe." I was hesitant in answering so honestly. I was afraid I would scare her away. She nodded and silently went back to picking the onions out of the pizza.

I realize that day...that...I am not that great after all....I am a SCREWED-UP PERSON. I am Meredith Grey/Christina Yang of Grey's Anatomy....Lorelai Gilmore of Gilmore Girls....Lois Griffin from Family Guy

I hate myself...

2007-10-18T12:11:00.000+08:00

I look at myself in the mirror. I gag from the ugliness I see in front of me. It's not the psoriasis red inflaming exposes skin that repulses me but the self-loathing that turns my stomach.

A few days ago, I experienced the full blown impact of my disease. Assignments were catching up on me and God has delightfully presented me with a opportunity to be kind and nice to one very lazy classmate and another overly blur one. The progression of course would be for little old me to pick up the slack which resulted in a 48 no sleep just to finish their work. Lazy classmate decided that he would only contribute 2 hours before the presentation and blur one felt that it was funny to forget all her main points during the presentation leaving me with the worst mark I have gotten this semester for a presentation. I understood the lecturer was kind enough to consider in my hard work and it was a fairly good mark. But it is not good enough for me especially since I have worked so hard on it.

During that 48 hours of no sleep, my skin condition detected the stress levels. Started shooting all the white blood cell to my skin. Attacking it till it was extremely inflamed...in just minutes my arms and legs were swollen and extremely itchy. But it did not end there.....it started to hurt...under the skin...as if someone was tightening my skin around the arm and it had no space at all to breathe. I was relieved that maybe that might be the end of the pain, after putting 10 tonnes on moisturizer on my arms and legs to relieve the tension, but this time they sent their troopers to my joints. Digging into it like hungry little pigs. Pain shot through my joints like needles and thumb tacks have replaced my joint fluids.

My stupidity to pick those group mates pales in comparison to my stupidity of still being in love with him. A man I dedicated my whole life to but chose to leave me because of reason unable to be explained. Tell a woman that and her mind whirlpools into a flashback on every situation she could have caused this. I braced my heart doing everything just in order to have him love me again...but that didn't work...so I did everything so we could at least still talk....but that also didn't work. People keep telling me to move on ...and that I am not allowing myself not to. Which idiot would want to endure so much pain all the time...I don't think its nice feeling this constant pain in your heart, crying when no one is looking, dream plagued with how much he doesn't care bout you and never did, waking up in tear and feeling like the worst pile of shit, walking through the day happy but dying inside, feeling my condition worsen because I can't be happy, the physical pain reminding me of how idiotic I am allowing my emotional pain cause it.

Before this...I said that I would trade a 100 days of that constant psoriasis pain so I could spend one happy day with him. Today, I would trade in a 1000 days of that same pain so that he would be fine and just tell me in 4 short words.."I'm good and healthy."

What an idiot I am...don't you think? I wonder how God feels bout me bargaining with Him....

Condition or curse?

2007-10-07T00:12:00.000+08:00

"Your next course of treatment would be taking cancer pills", the doctor says gently and calmly at my quivering face about to burst into tears. I am afraid, shaking in fact, as he tells me that my medication and consultations to come would not be fully covered by my health insurance.

I am about to collapse from the intense pressure. I grip myself for any further blows and I cannot take any more. The doctor seems to understand my dilemma and silently writes out my referral to another specialist.

I have an incurable disease but its not cancer. It has every symptom of cancer yet it is not life threatening. Everyone would tell me that I should be grateful of my chance at life. I would tell them the opposite. I do not appreciate the "life-is-so-short" policy that most would have adopted by now because I feel like I am standing in a corridor lined up with doors of opportunities at each side of me. I see every door ahead of me slamming shut as I stand there mouth open wide in surprise.

This is how it goes..I have a genetic skin disorder. My T-cells are attacking my skin daily creating little tumours on it. It looks horrific and ugly-fied. Trust me...you don't want to be with me. It is triggered to get worst by alcohol, smoking, medication, stress, chlorine and every single thing on earth. Lately, as you all have know, I have been real stressed out about certain things namely my assignments and have taken a horrible toll into it.

My doctor in Malaysia knew of my condition but somehow forgot to tell me. I was unable to take precautions until it has reached quite a serious stage. My next course of action; to take medication that cancer patients take including all their risks. I hate myself even more at the thought that I am robbing people who need it more than I do. However, this can only be confirmed at my next RM400 doctors appointment which I cannot afford.

Is it a blessing that I won't die from it? Maybe. But every medical treatment for me would be life threatening with all their humongous risks.
Is it a curse? I feel it is. My future holds controlled situations, forced happiness because I cannot stress, arthritis, ugliness, disfiguration, pain, sleepless nights. How am I to stay stress-free when all I see ahead is that?

Oh God...please help me. Please!

P.S. ~ I am so sorry to babble on. It's difficult putting on a front to everyone that you are ok/smiling/happy when deep down inside you are in despair and worried.

Isn't there some days you feel like you are falling down the stairs non-stop?

Why did God invent L-O-V-E?

2007-09-26T16:41:00.000+08:00

Why? Seriously...why? Why did God invent this L-O-V-E word? The symbolism of "falling in love" is so literate that is freaks even Socrates himself. When you fall in love, you really fall. You are in this dark pit of your own galaxy lighted by the passion between you and this Mr. Perfect Man. And some day, Mr. Perfect Man might climb out with your only source of light and leave you there lost. Then, you gotta Crocodile Dundee your way out somehow.

But what happens...when in some cases as I have read in many books and seen in many movies....where there was a little life involved? Men are always proud to be fathers. They may be afraid initially but despite it all, it is their life calling, to be a dad. What happens then to a woman, who is carrying their child in their own pit of happiness when the man decides to walk away and leave them to fend for their own?

Then, all alone and scared, some might walk into a abortion clinic and allow the norm of the world talk them into the scary procedure of killing a life..their baby. The little baby every kid girl cuddles as their doll dreaming up weird names for them like Elizabeth or Ryan. As she walks out from that painful operation, she is alone and given anaesthesia to deal with the pain; and supposedly simutaneously numb the pain of the heart.

What would a woman do then? I can imagine them clinging on to every hope there is in their life. A t-shirt that smells like him, a doll he has given you for your birthday or just the many pictures stating the only reminder of what was lost.

But who is going to heal their pain when they reach the aniversary of their supposed baby's birthday? Who is going to hold their hand when they break down looking at other happy families with proud parents and a real life baby? Who is going to tell them its ok when their heart bleeds from pain when someone else's kid walks up to them and touches their hand? Who is there for them especially when they are so afraid of God for killing His own great creation?

"I rather be the fool with the broken heart ... then someone who never had a part of you.."

Realisation...

2007-09-18T11:42:00.000+08:00

I am once again looking into his beautiful eyes. My heart is racing, my fingers and toes numb from excitement. "I missed you so much!", I whispered breathlessly. He reaches his hand out to me. My heart skips a beat as he approaches closer. I see my hand stretch out to meet his. I inwardly gasp. Something is not right with that picture. There is a glistening silver object that I am holding; ready to give over to him. My mind races, my reasoning skills in a blur. Suddenly it clicks, it is my knife from my side drawer. What is happening? What is he going to do with it?

I search the depth of his eyes. Searching for that last grain of love for me. I found none. And then, a voice within me told him, "Please stab me! Do it please. End my suffering!"

With that encouragement, he dove into me aiming the knife straight at my heart. I did not scream yet smiled falsely as I feel the warm blood trickle down the front of my shirt. My mind constantly repeats, pleading; "I love you. Why won't you love me back?" as his stabbing intensifies with rage and maybe a little amusement. I see Satan again. This time he is closer. Seeing the horror in front of him, he seems to come even closer; smiling smugly. The whole scene seems to beckon him for a closer look.

I watch as this fallen angel approaches closer. The stench of death lingering in the air, the foul odor of his rotting flesh triggers me to want to vomit. Yet, I have lost feeling of everything in my body. There is pools of blood everywhere and my body has gone limp. I am now standing watching from afar, standing beside my body and the violent man I once loved.

"God! WHY?", I scream. The gates of heaven open, and my eyes close shut from the splendor. The next thing I knew, He was before me. I was sitting on His lap like a little girl, cuddled in the warmth of Holiness. His awesomeness reveals the hurt and pain and blackness in me. I break down in tears.

"I am so sorry for being such a bad child", I plead with tears streaming down my face. He silents me, saying "Let him go. Let him go." I finally understood and took His orders into heart. The weight from the reality of what I am about to do creates more violent tears. He allows me to cry my heart out. I snuggle in for a long day of crying and comfort from my Heavenly Father. Before my eyes shut into a peaceful sleep, I ask Him one last question;

"Will he ever love me again?"

My answer was met with silence. I ask no more and allow sleep to lull me away.

This is my vow...

2007-09-14T18:11:00.000+08:00

"This is my vow!" I scream at the top of my lungs standing atop a podium of flowers with the members of the floor cheering loudly, some tearing from the wonder of my words. I turn around to look behind me, there is no one standing there. "Where are my supporters?" I scream towards the empty chairs. I turn back to the front, the enthusiastic mob of people cheering me has disappeared. Silence surrounds me. I look down, "Am I naked?" as most horrible dreams would be. But it is the same old me, clad in my blue top from Padini I got a year ago from Curve with my beloved and my cheap RM20 jeans I got from Survey.

I hear the crickets creaking, the wind whistling and the leaves rustling. I feel terribly alone and my first reaction was to break down in tears. Too many tears has flown from my eyes, and they alone have rebelled against my body refusing me the relief of crying. I got to handle this on my own, no tears allowed; my brain commands me in what I imagine a commando hat.

I look up, I see the faces of all the people I love. And every one of them today has felt that they should walk away. "Have they moved on?" I ask my inner Jiminy Cricket. He ignores me too. Then, I decide with gusto. I will love them even more, communicate with them 10 times more, understand them 100 times more and be there for them a 1,000 times more. Because, I will not allow myself to give up on them. They were the reason for my smile on many days. The reason for me to feel complete on days when I am down.

There are days when I feel like screaming at their faces, telling them what they don't see wrong. Yet, we all know, when it comes to our own problems we are in denial. Like how I refused to eat because he won't love me. Like how he would drink and smoke when he was in pain. Like how she would think negatively bout her instead of trying to understand.

The fog is clearing day by day. Yet the amount of people standing, listening to my speeches has decreased to a simple NIL. But I am not giving up yet, I am only 22. If I got nothing to live for, it would be for them that I would live.

THE END

Today was my happy day!

2007-09-14T16:10:00.000+08:00

My day started out wonderful. I have written my e-mail for our 1 year 8 months anniversary. And I woke up at 12.30 pm after a nice long sleep. Everything was going great. Then, I got myself involved in between my two best friends fights. And it did not help at all. Seriously, I should shut my mouth. Well, so now one thinks I am the horrible person for being the tell tale, the other is pissed off at everything that is happening. I hate being in between. And I hate it that my good day was ruined.

First I get screamed at by my housemate for doing her a favour. Then this. Next wat. It is hard enough that I love them both and do not want them to fight like that. Yet, it seems I made it worst. All I wanted was for them to talk and settle this. Not go to this extend. Well, the big mouthed girl gotta put her big fat feet where it belongs...in a deep pile of sh*t.

The thing is....both girls are not in the wrong. One longs for the attention as friend and the other is stressed out by everything that is happening in their life. They actually need each other in a sense to complete the circle. But the thing is, they gotta be understanding about it. I remember my days of fighting and angriness. I think she remembers it too. But you see, we both compromised, we both decided not to take too heart what each other have said and done. What is done is done! And she might have gotten a "told u so" moment but I guess she deserves this one.

Girls...I love you. More than anything in the world. And it hurts to see you guys in such a position. Take it from me....especially from such a small misunderstanding. However, since one is pissed at me and you are the one listening, my intentions were as good as I tried. If I made it worst sorry, doesn't make it that I love you guys any less.

It would have been a good anniversary. A toast to good memories. Hope to hear from you soon.

Part 3

2007-09-12T12:33:00.000+08:00

A little break from the series of truths because I have one more to tell but still in the tug of war in the worth of telling that story. Here is something else instead..

Eyes framed in geeky glasses. Mouth filled with iron bars and yellow bands. Lips chapped from dryness. Black coloring the wardrobe. Sleeked down oily hair. A too fair coloured skin. This encompassed the scene in which I first saw him. He was sitting in front of me eavesdropping on my conversation with a friend. First choir meeting and 5 minutes in, I already regret being there. My mind screams, "God, I can't sing. That choir master with the weird 80's hair will sure to kick me out".

His snickering indicated he was listening in. I was not very impressed. A man with the traits of a woman. His true beauty was sheltered by his weird jokes and nerdy references to things. His wonderful personality was shadowed by a cuter shorter more charming man from my hometown, Kota Kinabalu. He seemed a little too persistent on wanting to meet up later. A little too desperate for attention.

He annoyed me when he talked. He was too much of a spend thrift. He had too much love for his computer games. His life was everything about theater and acting. He was revoltingly still a child. Yet, 8 months down the road, my days were filled with his sms-es. A bad day at work meant that he was one call away to relief and happiness. Smiling came easier, laughing more intense, intimacy was just a step away.

Cinemas in KL were the hot spot for everything. And it became the hot spot for my love scene. A comedic Cantonese movie which he brought me for set the scene for the night. After beating him down endlessly for the past 283 days with my bat of rejection, I felt myself falling as he placed his hand next to mine. I knew his mind wasn't on that moving fat man on the screen but more on fervent prayer that I would respond positively. My brain screamed; "NOOOOO!" yet my hand refused to obey. I placed my hand on his and looked straight ahead refusing to admit the damage I have done. My heart races faster knowing there was no turning back. Why did it feel so right when my heart was still debating how unsure I was?

The night ensued with me using him as a punching bag of my doubt and insecurities. How was I going to tell my best friend after saying to her I won't fall? I can imagine the scene unfolding.

Best friend from many years,"So you finally fell. I knew it. Just because you never had a man chasing you for so long."
Me in disarray,"But but...."
Terrific-lawyer-to-be-if-she-would-study-law;"It's all the emotions coming to you. He is such a boy!"
Me still in disarray, "But I love him..."
Cruella De'Ville," You will regret this. Mark my words. He knows you are easily swayed now."

Truth is..she is not that horrific yet my mind seems to conjure her as a witch. 24 hours later, a cute sheep arrives in my hand. One I have been dreaming about for years from friends as a birthday gift. Several minutes later, I was ushered into the Gold Class to watch my all time favourite movie - Memoirs of a Geisha. I never knew the ending. Till today. Because after caging up my feelings for so long, I kissed him just as Sayuri plots her plan for true love. 60 minutes later, I told him yes. Finally, I could say YES to love, YES to trying, YES to risking it all, YES to a man, and YES to trusting. Today, this image still vividly plays in my mind. The awe, the beating heart, the passion, the fire, the assurance that I am loved. Even though all that has shattered into a million glass pieces, the glue of hope that stripes life away through its toxic chemicals sits in my hand as I lovingly try to string each piece back together as Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love shakes her head disapprovingly while Venus crosses her fingers wishing Cupid was still able to help.

So, does moving on mean that I have to make a conscious effort to go further away from the one thing that the heart really desires and wants? Does forgetting and going forward mean to blur out all those memories into meaningless nothingness of all those wonderful moments?

Part 2

2007-09-11T14:14:00.001+08:00

WARNING: This is a series of truth which I feel I do not want to lie about anymore. If any of these has changed your perception on me...I wished it wasn't so.

"How to mend a broken heart". Movies such as Bridget Jones and Gilmore Girls show you that pigging out is the way to help transition your broken heart to ok heart. So, this broken heart here started becoming a glutton. Wolfing down chips, lollies (Australian slang for gummies), chocolate and ice cream. But it never did help. The heart continued to cry, the eyes continued to tear and I kept falling deeper down the sh*t hole.

Numerous advice poured in. All from people obviously who had survived such turmoil. Yet, some has neglected to remember the fatal day of destruction and the many months of pain and depression that followed..only remembering with them the day of victory when they have finally moved on. My ears burn with insults of how I am allowing myself such misery. Which idiot would do so. The pain is just too unbearable. If there was no pain, I wouldn't put myself through the f*cking emotional rollercoaster ride in hell. Satan is here again. This time he is grinning wide, chuckling even as he giving me free rides for his theme park.

Several days later, I rang up the man of my dreams demanding an explanation on why he did not sms me on my birthday. As usual, an arguement pursued as his irritated angry voice hammered into my brain. Satan sneaks up to my other ear whispering, "See after all you given him, you still not good enough for him to be gentle to you."

Tears run down my face and at that moment our conversation went to halting stop as his last words chilled me to the bone, freezing the very core of me.

"There is no hope" rings over and over again. The same mouth that uttered I will always love you.

I am in shock! The conversation turns more sour and he slams the phone down. Betrayed by my inner instincts, outraged at my obvious love for him, an idea pops up into my mind. Obviously another brilliant plan from my beloved enemy, Satan.

"Heck, you don't feel like eating right. Everything is so damn horrible. Don't eat. Be aneroxic. It's the best way to handle pain"

And so I did. I just suddenly decided there and then...I am going to be aneroxic. I already have the symptoms...besides the obvious fact that I am fat and don't have to think it. And the wonders of the internet fulfill my desires, telling me of the many intricate details that pursue being aneroxic...how to start it, what is encompassed in it, what do you do, and the best part: how do you control the hunger? This was the inspirational story of a person who wants to help people to get out of aneroxia yet I used as a guide on what to do. What a sick mind!

I whooped in joy as I saw that section. My stomach so prone to gastrics would not last 6 hours without food and not cry out for attention by stinging my stomach walls with gastric juice. The solution? Use your fists to hit your stomach. That would ease the pain.

Lo and behold, my quest started. The first few hours was fine as I had already spent it crying in bed. The next few hours were devoted to finishing my assignment. My housemate pestered me to eat some pizza every 30 minutes. I started wondering if she knew. After many refusals, I left for uni to hand in my assignment. I wanted to walk but was feeling a little whoosie. And even tho hectic exercise was part of the aneroxia routine I couldnt bring myself to do it with only 3 hours of sleep the previous night. However, I did walk home. And I felt liberated...maybe a little crazified in the mind. That night...I pigged out....on sugar free sweets to induce diarrhea. At cell group just an hour ago, I had a piece of lasagna and I felt fat.

Diarrhea pursued 2 hours after I have snuggled in bed. I had to wake up at 4 am for work. Whoopie...another sleepless night. I walked the 40 minutes to work and dove in into being the best ever cashier chick. As I finished at 3pm, it was not free time for me. I have signed up for a double shift so off I go to another store to work til midnight. By 10 pm, my stomach was in so much pain that hitting it wouldn't erase the pain. Maybe I wasn't hitting hard enough but I refrained from hitting any harder. Something was stopping me...telling me that this was insane.

At that store, I had the oppurtunity to take home some expired food. The greedy pig that I am...I ate half of it in one sitting that night. After that, everything went haywire. The stomach couldnt foster so much food at one time, the gastric got horrendously worst and the fact that it was expired food must have triggered the hellish spell. I cried in pain, whimpering on my bed, praying it would stop. In weakness, I picked up my phone and sms-ed my love of my life. He answered an hour later (I think..til today I can't recall from the agony of pain) but as usual I lied about the intensity and the truthful event. So a night filled with food poisoning and pain was the way to end Day 2 of my aneroxic spout. It wasn't much of it but it was painful enough for me to understand the realities of life. The next day I slowly tended to my stomach. Eating just a little at a time. Drawing my mind away from the posibilities of aneroxia nervosa.

I must have dissapointed all the aneroxic fans out there...a disgrace to their club. I must have dissapointed the person who put such thoughts into my mind...not fulfilling my mission.
Yet, deep down inside, I knew it was not the way to go. There must be other ways to deal with the pain.

I have damaged my stomach bad enough. A week of diarrhea and stomach pains pursued. I was punished for my wrong doings. But I lived!

Ermmmm...

2007-09-10T10:39:00.000+08:00

WARNING: This might be too graphic for the weak of heart. Do not read on if you do not want to see this side of me.

Holding a knife in one hand and a bottle of pills in another. The mind tries to figure out which is less painful. The silver steel on the left hand weights heavy. If you don't cut it right, you won't go. The right hand beckons to gobble them down. No hassle...just sleeping your life away. Yet the wonders of television tells of stories that pursues if things go wrong. Left hand brings about blood loss, heart failure, muscle failure and loads more to live with if it doesn't work. Right hand will cause kidney failure, sticking a tube of charcoal down your throat and obviously chemical poisoning. The mind then cartwheels on which would be the possibility the body and mind and soul can most live with. Answer that comes to mind; both cause it doesn't matter anymore.

Yet, courage is not present when the time comes to actually slice the skin as the steel blade touches it's surface. Reluctance stands in between as the bottle touches the lips. Everything is in a standstill. The world continues revolving. The housemates outside laughing and screaming going about their own lives and knowing relief as they are about to leave soon. The house is always empty anyway because they are always so busy. The man of dreams is still moving on and thinking I am supposed to get over it quick and am not in really dire pain. The friends who walked out on me still saying that I am the bad crowd to hang out with..the irritant of the group...oh so many more expressions.

The mind screams; "What do I do now?".
The heart argues; "Think of all those with no life to spare."
The mind replies snugly; "Then God grant them her years so she may go early. She doesn't want it anyway"
The heart gently prompts; "But what of mom and dad?"

Satan is chuckling in the background. Amused at my inner banter. The last sentence provokes tears. Dilemma pursues..."How now brown cow?"

Minutes later, the inner banter is finally silent. The mind flashes past images of beautiful mom and dad, bro and sis. The right hand slowly places the pills on the table, the left hand guides the steel back into its holder. Satan stops laughing and mocks me of my failed attempts. I decide to ignore him....just for today I am stronger. The steel blade and pills of death is then neatly stored in the second drawer for safekeeping.

Is all these just happening in my mind or am I going insane?

Karma brings back the moments I used to laugh at people who are in depression. Saying how they just need to snap out of it and those medication prescribed is just a way of escape. My right hand now looks up the directory for counseling assistance available in the university. I will have to think about this. Hmmmmmmm...

To be continued........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....

2007-09-04T21:57:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY... to me! Well, on a happier note, my church friends gave me a short but sweet surprise party. About 2 hours before my birthday is over, they all came over hiding outside my house in the cold and waited for everyone to come. Besides that, my housemates teamed up to make sure I would open the door. However, apparently someone came late so the plan din pan out. By that time, I was already half asleep in my room wearing my comfortable pajamas when my housemate screamed out for me to come into the kitchen. By then, I was waddling out...braless.....and these people came out from no where....singing Happy Birthday! It was so sweet...

My housemate cutting my cake...yummy blueberry cheese cake!

Me in my pajamas...*sigh* embarassing...with my two cell leaders.

My present from my cell group...YES...that is a pillow. Nice red pillow...

Presents from my housemates. So sweet...cooking equipment...for lil old me!

Look at that big block of Cadbury choc. That mug next to it is a damn real big mug k.....so the choc bar is even bigger....

Me looking weird!

DAMNED ANNOYED!

2007-09-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

DAMNED ANNOYED! I can't understand how people in my house do not know how to wash their own plates. Last week I got scolded on how she kept having to wash for me. I couldnt say sorry or anything cuz I know it wasnt me. I always wash my own plates. And it is so damn annoying...I come home from a long day of class...at 8.30 and I have to wash their plates especially when they have been home free doing nothing but piling plates on....for me to wash. Why can't they wash it? Shesh man....

And it annoys me that some people complain bout not seeing their loved ones in a few months.....or some worst days.....I can only see them once a year or even 2 years. And that everything is in ruined because of the distance and of cuz partially mine. But whichever way...don't complain when you have it good.

Goodness...I seldom make noise bout how people are cuz I respect them and I know they don't mean to be so. But that doesnt mean I do not have a temper. So make sure you do something well before I do actually scream at you...and you start hating me....so don't blame me then...ARGH......

APPRECIATE...

2007-09-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

APPRECIATE...all the good things you have. Especially you not self funded students out there. I used to be funded by my parents but now I am self sponsored. I feel proud saying this yet at times it is the worst of the worst.

It is days when I haven't slept from assignments and haven't ate as well from personal problems...and yet you still have to wake up at 4.30 am to work and do double shifts working all the way to 18 hours a day just to make ends meet and put some bread on my table. Everything becomes so precious and luxuries are deeply appreciated. It is days like this when despite the swollen eyes you still got to continue keeping them open...you can't say let me sleep another 5 minutes...you still gotta continue smiling at the horrid customers...no complains bout the good customers. It is on days when your feet are swollen that you are limping every time you move a step...that you continue standing another 8 hours just for the money...that you continue putting the next foot in front of another despite the tears in your already sore eyes. You stomachache is the last time that should be in your mind...your food poisoning or diarrhea has to come last...you pray hard you are well during the shift. Tell me the days when you were able to call in sick to work....cuz you know you got it covered. I don't....not in the next 2 years anyway...

So please God...pray that I am well....and God I pray you grant me the strength to go on with this till the end...Let your grace be upon me. And seriously, everyone out there who has it good...remember to pray and thank God and your family for the wonderful blessings they gave. And those of you who do understand what I am going through...don't forget to thank God for providing as He has...and that we have survived so far.

IF ONLY I KNEW...

2007-08-31T03:42:00.000+08:00

IF ONLY I KNEW...
That it was the last time I would kiss you,
I would have not stopped kissing you at all.

If only I knew..
That it was the last time I would see you smile,
I would have captured the moment in my brain.

If only I knew..
That it was the last time I would touch you,
I would not have let go.

If only I knew...
That it was the last time you would hug me,
I would have asked you to hold me forever.

If only I knew..
That it was the last time you would say I love you,
I would have told you to promise that our love is forever.

If only I knew..
That it would be the last time you would speak to me,
I would have said never stop talking and I will never stop listening.

If only I knew...
That it would be the last time I would see you,
I would have memorized every moment in my heart.

Goodbye.....Be happy...!!!

THIS SUCKS!

2007-08-28T11:49:00.000+08:00

THIS SUCKS! Well, hey, life goes on right. But it still going to hurt when you realise that it was so easy for that person to forget you. After everything you give, everything you have given, everything you have sacrificed, you watch them bring other people to places they have brought you, you watch them do things with people that you have done with them. And you feel your heart break one piece at a time.

But hey....you just gotta move on..just that some people take more time and some don't. Well its usually the opposite sex anyway. Too bad for me that I am the one in pain anyway. Kakakaka....and as determined a person as I am. I can't stop the tears every night. And I know every girl out there reading must think I am such a dufus and a embarrassment to the name woman but I am and I am sorry!

However, I am happy that he has moved on. I am happy he is happy. I am happy he will continue on happy. I am happy that despite how much it hurts to say, happy he found others than can make him happy when I couldn't.

A friend told me, to not hope was so right. It just brings more pain. But hey...since I am doing the unconventional birthday anyway...why not just fill it with tears! Hey people...sorry for the horrible posts but I have no one to talk to here bout it. You can skip all the sob stories. I promise you a really good happy post in the next few days k. I promise that the sob stories will only come once a month. Because...NO...I do not know when I will stop crying.

I TURN 22 TODAY!

2007-08-28T03:06:00.000+08:00

I TURN 22 TODAY! Every year I look forward to my birthday cuz it is the most important date to me. And every year I get disappointed. My past 3 birthdays without my family has been horrific and I do not doubt at all that this will be any different. Since leaving home, I have not been sung Happy Birthday, I haven't gotten my galore of gifts many have bragged about and I have not not cried at midnight of that glorious day.

My first birthday away from home...my family forgot it. They were holidaying in Melinsung. I was crying on the phone...calling him all the way in KK just to moan about it. Which I still do not remember if he remembered. The next morning my housemate asked what I had on...I told her it was my birthday. I regretted my words once I said it, as the result of it? Being dragged around Mid Valley with her and her boyfriend acting as a lamp post. Gifts? None!

My second birthday. Was a little better...my parents didn't forget anymore. I had to work late in the coffee shop as there was a function which no one turned out for. The outcome...loads of food to pack home for my supposed party. So I reached home at 8.30 as I greeted my new housemates ( not the same as the story before)with packs of cold food. Had a call from mom and fell asleep. Gifts? Many promises and roses from Fiona. But we did have dinner in Chili's with a few friends who ended up being real horrible friends...long story!!!

My third birthday was supposed the best. NOT! I spent it in a hospital and paid a few thousand for just sitting there. I was pissed and I had KFC for dinner. No food provided in the hospital...SUCKS! To make up, I had a supposedly joint party with a friend. Didn't work out too....I didn't get my Happy Birthday song too. No cake. All for the other party boy. Oh gifts? A box of pies(which I appreciate after cooking for two days and waking up early the next day for a major assignment), someone stole my body shop foundation I just bought, and turtles from Wilson which now is in the custody of *drum roll* the other birthday person. Oh other gifts also include being told my food sucked, washing up til 2 am, waking up at 8 am to get to uni and holding the cake for the other person's birthday while I watched on as they all celebrated that person's birthday, singing "Happy Birthday" and taking pictures of the blowing candles out scene.

I did get a nice drinking session with a friend at a nice wine place. But as you know I was sick so I had a bottle of weird soft drink that cost 10 bucks. Dangit...hate being sick! The movie later on what not too bad...oh wait...it sucked....My Super-Ex Girlfriend. Not nice! Dangit..hate Hollywood. The cute snoopy and dolly is cute tho...Thanks Pam and Cass and Fi. So sweet of you. Oh and the strawberry cake. This time...the third make up was a charm.

Pathetic? So for this birthday, I do not expect anything..SERIOUSLY! I wished for too many years already. I tried everything. From telling everybody to not. You don't want to hear my previous birthdays which included a silent party where no one talked and it was no fun all the way to ...I don't know...can't remember...I tend to block out bad memories. This year...I am going to sit in my room and not go out. I just want it to pass and be forgotten. I told no one. And I pray and hope nothing bad happens. Hey...thanks for the sms Beb. The other sms I got I shall not mention. Let's just say it is another reason to cry...cuz I actually shamelessly asked the person for a gift which I race out to the post box everyday hoping to get but have not gotten. So, embarrassed...I shall not mention it anymore!

But all in all...being on your own away from home during these holiday/celebratory seasons is not fun. My Christmases are just as bad. But I will save it for another time when I don't sound so pathetic anymore. Happy Birthday Erin....*sigh*.

P.S. ~ And hey I blame no one but myself for all these. Like my good friend always tells me, I attract such things akakkaka...like my horrible dates which I shall only disclose with people who are actually interested to know...MUAHAHAHAH....But I do appreciate those who made the day a lot easier to bare.Thanks! For remembering and lovingly giving me a gift.